Still missing my baby boy

[sweetlucy]

I'ts been 2 years since my little boy was stillborn. I still miss him, still want him. I wonder all the time what would he have been like, what would the colour of his eyes have been, what would his cries sound like. How to ever recover from the loss of a child? I'm still grieving, not a day goes by when I don't cry for him. How after carrying him for 8 months could he have just stopped living? No explanations, no reason why? I close my eye and I dream of him, but I'll never have the chance to know him and to tell him I love him. He's just going to stay in my mind and in my heart, with all the "what ifs" and the "if onlys".

[Banana1997]

I am sorry for your loss, I don't think the what ifs or could have and should haves will ever go away and you will always miss him. We lost our 14 year old daughter in May this year, I don't know how on earth we are managing our grief but we have to for our younger son, It's a tough time of year too, thinking of you xxx

[Bakingtins]

I'm sorry you are going through this, Lucy. He will always be in your heart, and that's as it should be. Have you had any counselling to help you deal with the grief?

[Babyh200]

So so sorry LUCY. I understand......I've been there too :( my beautiful boy was stillborn in July this year. I feel like my hearts been ripped out. As Banana said its a very tough time of year too. Please consider joining us on the rainbow baby thread.( sorry don't know how to add the link but its under the Conception thread) they're such a supportive bunch who have all lost babies/children. Some have had, our having/trying for rainbow babies but all discuss our never to be forgotten angels and there's nothing you could say or are feeling that we haven't already thought too xxxxxx

Banana: my heart goes out to you too I'm so so sorry. I wish we could just fast forward Christmas this year. I feel like my little boy was robbed of a life he deserved so much and I never got to see him grow.......but your position of having your daughter snatched away as she was approaching adulthood is unimaginable. So so sorry for your loss xxxxx

[MyFlyingReindeerMiracles]

Its hard i know, i lost two babies to missed miscarriages and my eldest would've been 6 this boxing day coming, its hard, the pain never goes, you just learn to live with it, i comfort myself with the fact that they are only ever a breath away and always in my heart. Too beautiful for earth. xx

[Rosduk]

I lost my little boy Thomas 3 weeks ago. He lived for 2 hours although he was a premature emcs born on holiday- we did not meet him before he died. The emotional pain is just unbearable I don't know how I'm even getting through each day, i guess we just do.

It's still early days for me but people keep telling me ''time is a healer'your would have been worse to go full term' or my particular favourite 'at least you already have a DD'
How on earth do these pearls of wisdom help? I know my grief will change over time, I know it would have been difficult to go full term and have this happen and I
def know how lucky I am to have my daughter, but he was still my son, I miss him. We all miss our children and I can't see that changing.

Unbearable losses for all of us, I hope we can all find strength in our loved ones to enjoy this time of year x

[amyboo]

I completely empathise. I lost my DS2 Thomas at 36 weeks into my pregnancy in April this year. Some days I manage to get through without thinking about him, other days I seem to cry over the smallest thing. Lots of people said to me "but at least you have DS1", but they don't get it. My love for DS2 is still there, but it just doesn't have anywhere to go.

I'm finding things particularly hard today as my best friend just had her DS2 this morning. All I can keep thinking is that I should have my 7 month old little boy with me too, and I don't. I'm 22 weeks pregnant again, but it hasn't really changed things. I now just worry constantly about movement, and still miss my beautiful little DS2 as much as ever.

I don't think the pain will ever go away. I don't think you ever "recover". I think you just learn to live with the pain and sense of loss. Sending you lots of virtual hugs.

[sweetlucy]

Thank you all for replying. It's been a tough but I have to be brave for my daughter. I don't want her to feel that her mom is always sad.

banana1997 My heart goes out to you, I can't imagine what you must be going through. :( thinking of you in this difficult time. x

amyboo My pregnancy with my daughter who is now 6 months old was awful, I was so scared and spent most of the third trimester in hospital strapped to a heart monitor machine. I know what you mean I love my little girl but it's tough to think that she should have a big brother. People don't get that a baby can't be replaced another one. Good luck with the pregnancy!!

rosduk people who haven't lost a baby can never understand how painful it is. Sorry about your little Thomas, it's very sad.

babyh so sorry about your little boy. It's a pain like no other. I'll search for the thread. xxx