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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Would you confide in someone...?

4 replies

whiterose2011 · 29/11/2012 11:14

I had a mc in Sept and dh and I decided not to tell anyone other than our managers (due to needing time off work) and his Dad who is a doctor.

However, my step SIL had a baby last week and my sis is due in Feb. EVERY time I speak to my Dad, pretty much the whole conversation is about pregnancy, babies, being on red alert for a delivery, now on
amber alert until my niece/nephew arrives and I'm really struggling with this.

I've started to come to the conclusion that the best way to deal with this is to say something. He isn't doing it deliberately and I'm sure he'd be gutted if he knew how he was making me feel. But I've never been good at sharing my feelings with my parents and just don't know how to go about telling him. We live far away so it would need to be by phone. I also don't want to add any additional stress to my Dad and Step Mum by them worrying about me.

I also didn't really want anyone to know we are ttc and am worried this will add pressure if we
struggle to conceive in the future.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? I just don't know what to do for the best and would really appreciate some advice. Thanks xxx

OP posts:
literaryone · 29/11/2012 11:30

I'm so sorry for your loss. And sorry that there's this added stress now of people not knowing and saying unintentionally hurtful things.

I was not in the same situation at all, as I was 19 weeks pregnant when I lost my little one in September so everyone knew that there was a baby on the way. However, I have found that this means people try to be sensitive and don't talk too much about pregnancy or babies in front of me even the people who were earlier really pushy with the "when are you going to have a baby?" questions.

So I'd say it would make a lot of sense to confide in Dad and Step-Mum. You can say that you didn't want them to worry so you didn't tell them earlier, but you now feel it would help them understand your current feelings with regard to talk of pregnancy and babies. I'd also be careful to say at some point that you are not keen to rush into another pregnancy. This suggests that you're not presently TTC (even if you are!) and will prevent to a great extent questions on that front, even in the future.

Really, it depends on your relationship with them. If you feel that it is important that you speak to them frequently and don't feel upset whenever you speak to them, then telling might be the way to go. If, on the other hand, they tend to be nosy and will ask too many questions or will afterwards do so when they think you should be TTC, then maybe just avoiding it is better. But telling would make them more sensitive about it.

whiterose2011 · 29/11/2012 11:45

Thank you literaryone. I'm so sorry for your loss as well and glad that people are being sensitive to your feelings. It must have been so hard when everyone knew you were pregnant and I hope you have good news again soon.

In terms of my Dad/Step mum, they are not nosey at all and haven't ever been the type of people that have asked the usual, when are you getting married, when will you start a family etc, so that is a positive. I'm not telling my mum though - I found out a few years ago from an Aunt that she had told people in the family something personal about me which I was gutted about. That along with a whole host of other things, means we have a pretty strained relationship at the best of times.

I like your idea about saying I'm not rushing into anything too soon to stop their imaginations running wild. We are ttc again but I want that to remain private. I'm really not sure how I will be able to cope without telling them. I practically had to peel myself off the floor last week when he called to say step SIL had had her baby and am expecting the same when my sister has her baby. Perhaps letting my Dad know will relieve some of the pressure that I can't avoid from my sister? Xx

OP posts:
literaryone · 30/11/2012 07:47

So glad that was helpful. Do come back and let us know how it goes. Hoping you get the understanding and the sensitivity that the situation deserves. xox

stmalo · 30/11/2012 15:30

Following our first miscarriage we decided this time not to tell anyone I was pregnant, and we probably wouldn't have told anyone until I was at least 5 months or as long as I could get away with it.
Unfortunately we didn't get the opportunity as I had a second miscarriage, and

I feel a bit like I'm lying to everyone, because no-one knows about it this time, and I'm in a bit of a weird bubble pretending everything is normal!, So I know how difficult it is when people are unintentionally saying things. One of my colleagues thinks I was off for the day with earache, and has inisted on knowing what antibiotics, and banging on about stuff etc - having to lie to her and make things up has been awkward! But i couldn't face telling her I'd lost again.

I did however, make the decision to tell our parents this time too, because I didn't want to lie to them, and we're staying with them over christmas so I don't want to be an emotional wreck and them not know why! They were upset, but they have been very good about it, and they asked me if they wanted them to keep it quiet, so they've agreed to that.

Since the first miscarriage which was a second trimester loss, people have stopped asking us about when we are going to have a baby, are you not broody etc, and they avoid the discussions, which is actually great, and does mean that we can get on with this without worrying about awkward questions from friends and family.

As there are lots of babies and baby talk going on in your family, I think the best thing would be to talk to you dad and step mum, It will upset them, but that's because they care, and it would upset them more, if they knew they were hurting you by going on about babies, when you're going through a loss.
It does get better, I saw my sister two weeks after our first loss and she told me she was 6 weeks pregnant, I was so cross.... that she'd told me so early .... that I knew she'd have no problems ... that she was even pregnant (with her 3rd!) ! I knew it was irrational, now I have another lovely nephew, who is nearly one years old. I think my parents didn't give me the running commentary on her pregnancy through fear of upsetting me - which was also nice.

It gets better, honestly xxxx

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