Try again or accept there will be no more babies for me?

[harrietlichman]

I always knew this would be an emotional month for me - if things had gone to plan I would be due to have my baby in a few weeks time, but sadly it didn't and I had a missed m/c which I found out about at the 10 week mark, back in May. It was my 4th m/c, and as I now considered a 'recurrent miscarrier' I have been through all the tests to find out if there is something wrong other than just my age being against me (am now 41). Anyway, there isn't - it was just 'one (or four) of those things' - no reason why I lost those babies, other than it being a possible chromosome problem/foetal abnormality, which I realise is probably for the best, in the long run. Now though, I am faced with a dilemma - do I accept that it is just not to be or do I try one more time? I haven't raised it with DH yet, I just need to get it clear in my own mind. I so want another baby, but wonder how I will cope with another m/c. I have two beautiful dcs already, so know I am lucky and thank my lucky stars every day for them, but you reading this who have lost a baby know what I mean when I say that I still feel like something is missing.

It's a really difficult one as no one can tell you what the outcome will be. I also had 2 dc's when I m/c twins at 12.5 weeks the week after my 40th birthday. Dh didn't want to try again but eventually agreed. I had another m/c at 7 weeks. It took me another year to get pregnant again (I had pretty much given up hope) and was by this time 42. But miracle of miracles we now have ds3. I am, of course, so glad I didn't give up but if it hadn't happened for us I don't know how long I would have gone on trying.

So not much help really, just my story.

Hi harriet ,sorry to hear of your losses.

I'm 44, have three dc 19,13 and 8 and had a miscarriage at 10-11wks in March, another at 6 weeks in June a third at 12 weeks in early Sept.
I was told I wouldn't be entitled to any workup on the NHS as chromosomal abnormalites would be a likely cause but if I wanted to try again, taking aspirin, to go ahead but that any pregnancy at my age had only a 50% chance of a successful outcome.
We have debated about whether to continue to ttc or not, but I feel if I don't ,I will regret more not knowing if we might have had a chance of another baby. Like you I feel an emptiness now that I couldn't even have imagined before losing my babies, it feels like the family isn't complete.I also feel that because I reached such a state of sadness after my first loss , even though it's obviously heartbreaking losing more, I've already hit rock bottom and come through it, so it can't be much worse ,if you see what I mean.
It defies logic and common sense but for now we're trying again, I know I may not conceive again and if I do there will be risks, I don't know how long we could keep going after further miscarriages, it's such an emotional rollercoaster.
I know I'm lucky to have my lovely DC who I love dearly but it doesn't stop me missing the little ones I wont have and yearning for another baby to hold.

Good luck with your decision and if you decide to continue to ttc ,join us on the 40+ thread on the Conception site,lots of support on the journey from people who're going through similar experiences!

thank you so much for your replies, I have a lot to think about and swing from one direction to another almost by the minute at the moment. I may see you on the 40 threada, Irishmammy! Good luck to both of you xxx

I don't have any advice, really, but a great deal of empathy. I too have two dc, aged 7 and 5, interspersed with miscarriages. Earlier this year I got pregnant accidentally and was delighted, only to mc at 9 weeks - my fourth time in total. I got tests despite not being a 'recurrent' miscarrier (am not in the UK) and was found to have Factor V Leiden. So I am in a slightly better position than you in that we have a theoretically fixable cause, but dh and I have come to the conclusion that we will have one more try, taking the heparin, and if it doesn't work out we will move on. I'm 35 so theoretically have time on my side, but I don't feel able to go through this an indefinite number of times. It's a hard, almost impossible decision, and I know the feeling of something being missing. Take good care of yourself and good luck.

Hi
Sorry to read of your losses. I was thinking of starting a similar thread, as I have a similar dilemma, and keep swinging from never wanting to go through it all again, and wanting another shot at having a 3rd baby. I miscarried at 16 weeks last month, just after my 40th. It was an unexpected but wanted pregnancy, and also already have 2dc. Its my only miscarriage to date, but would hate to go through it all again. I wish I could let go of the 3rd child , but now I've experienced what its like to imagine my family of 5, its a bit hard. I hope you come to some resolution. I think I'm going to hold off, and see how I feel in the next few months - I'm just surprised that I'm not absoultely gunning to go for it again, I've not been in the 'not wanting to get pregnant' camp for so long! take care x