Please can you help. Abortion regret, want children.

[helpsarah]

Hello,
This is my first ever post here, I am so very sorry if i have posted this in the wrong section, but I couldn't find a section about abortion and 'pregnancy loss' was the closest section i could find. I hope i dont offend anyone.
I really need help, I have been with my partner who i love very much for over 10 years, I am 28, and had an abortion last year. I find it hard to write that as I never thought i ever would, i didnt think i was someone who could. I became pregnant by mistake last year and panicked, I was scared, questioned my relationship and future with my partner (despite us being together so long and me loving him so much) and considered abortion. I was very aware i needed to do it early and started to worry about the baby getting bigger if i wasnt sure i wanted it. I made an appointment with my doctor and rushed to go the clinic asap as i didnt want it to grow anymore and become 'a baby'. I paniced and went through with it, and it was the biggest mistake. I cant take it back. I want children desperately with him now but recently I find myself suffering so so badly with what I have done. I cant sleep, it is on my brain constantly, and i am convinced I'm going to hell. I feel different to people, like I've sold my soul. I am a bit scared of life. I want to have children with my partner but will i get over this, I am already thinking of what could have been, and dont want to have a baby if i am not coping, but I cant see how i can cope unless i have a baby. I should have kept my baby as I was ready for it and wanted it, i dont know what I was thinking.
Please can anyone offer any advice as I am going through a really very rough time.

it was obviously a huge shock for you when you found out you were pregnant. Had you spoken about having children before you found out? How did your partner react? Is he supportive now and does he understand how you are feeling? Do the clinic offer counselling after, I know they do before but I'm not sure if they offer any after the event. Would your GP be able to refer you to a counsellor.

You will eventually get over this, it is still recent and very raw. I am not sure this is the right place to put this either however did not want to leave this unanswered.

I had a termination when I was 22 I was not in a relationship, but the father was a relative of a friend. There were so many levels that this was awful, but the one that I held on to was that I could never have provided for that child. That poor child, it would have been 16 now, and I got a jolt the other day as I realised that a friend of mine had her children at the same age that I was when I terminated. I buried it for ages, but it would just keep bubbling up for a year or more whenever I had a drink. You need to be able to talk to someone, about how you feel. How you really feel.

Somehow you will get through this and it will be difficult. It took me about three years to come to terms with it, and even now i still feel guilty, and it will always be with me.

Thank you for your replies. Yes me and my partner had talked about having children - we had both always said, if it happens, we will keep it, we would love it. I dont know why i did what i did, he wanted it, i told my mum, she wanted me to have it. I'm so scared, its all just recently sunk in as to what i have done, and i cant cope. Thank you for sharing your story, it is similar, it is nice to hear you have come to terms with it although you do still think of it. I'm speaking to a priest tomorrow as I cant get over the fact i killed my baby and it feels like the worst sin in the world.

I was in a very similar situation as you and had a termination when i didnt really want to but was just panicking. I do still think about it and regret it but the feelings have lessened and while i still wish i hadnt done it i have accepted that i did and i cant change that. Ultimately it made me realise what i really wanted in life so i focused on that. I now have a gorgeous little boy and was much more ready and in a better place. I imagine its hard to believe you will ever stop feeling like this but it will get better. You are grieving and its ok to do do. Try talking to a counsellor, some employers can help you access one or your gp. I hope things get better for you soon.

It gets easier as time goes on, it's natural to grieve and wonder what might have been. I had a termination 15 years ago and only just the other day I wondered how my life and his/hers might have been but I now have two wonderful boys 7 and 11 years. I don't think it is ever something you forget but over time you think of it less and it gets easier. I panicked like you because I always had a fear of childbirth. I haven't gone to hell! I'm still here and you will be too, please don't be too hard on yourself.

Are you catholic?

I was raised as a catholic, at the time of the abortion I wasnt practising. Thank you, I think my reasoning were similar, scared of childbirth x

Oh you poor thing. You have some great advice from people with more useful experience than me, but I just wanted to say how moving your post is. You are clearly not going to hell. You are a good person. We all make mistakes with the benefit of hindsight, huge ones, like this is to you, but we don't talk about them. Don't feel this is just you. And you are going to have to forgive yourself, bless you.

OP, I have Private Messaged you.