can't forgive myself after medical termination

[grievingmum]

hello it's the first time I write on mumsnet..
I underwent a medical termination at 23 wk .. My babygirl had cerebral anomalies, but I wanted to keep her anyway.. Doctors couldn't easily define what we should expect because her case was very rare, for sure she would have mental retardation and maybe more health/psychic problems..but she could live for sure! I spent two wks arguing and shouting with my DH because he didn't want her and he told he would leave. We already have a one year baby girl and he told me I would destroy her life if I would keep the baby,as well as destroy his life and my parents ' and his parents'.. and my parents more or less told me the same thing.. I felt so much pressure on me. On the other side some friends tried to encourage me to keep the baby, offering me all the possible support.. Finally I was so afraid of making the family split up.. I was so afraid that our 1 DD would have to face continous fights among us even if we would separate..that I had the termination. It was terrible and when I saw the baby, she was so big she was actually already a baby and now I'm so clear I should never have done it. I can't forgive myself and I don't know how to go on.. I don't know if I'll ever dare to speak about this to my daughter..
I wish we could have another child, but I'm 40 yrs now and it won't be that easy..DH is afraid and we don't get so well along now, as you can imagine..
I won't never forget this baby and what I did to her, but thinking about having another baby gives me some hope.. Is it selfish or unresponsible? And if I won't be able to have it.. how could I overcome this sorrow? I wish I could turn clock backwards... sorry for my english I'm not a native speaker..

Oh grieving I am so sorry to hear what you have been through.
It is a very difficult decision to make and not one that I have had to make so I can not pretend to know how it feels but it sounds like you had a lot of pressure from a lot of different people and I'm very sorry that you were in that situation.

I hope that in time it will become easier for you but it doesn't sound like the best time to be trying for a baby (with your marriage being strained at the moment) I know you feel pressure with your age but even a new healthy baby will not make you forget your baby girl. I hope you and DH can get back on track.

I wish you luck in whatever you decide.
x

You can't turn back the clock.

You did what you felt was 'right' for the family. You will be mourning for the child you lost - both in reality (she had physical problems) and the fact that you have lost the dream of a 'perfect' little baby girl. Don't beat yourself up - this can only harm you and your family.

You have been pulled this way and that, and that is so unfair on you. Everyone always has opinions on what's 'right' for you (if only they had to deal with the consequences).

You need to look forward not back. What do you want that you can realistically have (so - a happy child and 'comfortable' marriage, not something you could never have - the baby you lost). Have you had counselling? How was marriage before all this? Your daughter needs her mum - you need to grieve too, but she is here now, so please don't look at her with guilt in your heart.

It takes time to work through your emotions. Resalise this and take one day at a time.

I'm really sorry you had to face such a difficult decision. I haven't been in that situation and can't say what choice I would make if faced with it, but can appreciate a little of what you must be feeling with the responsibility resting on you as well as the grieving for your lost baby. Have you been in contact with antenatal results and choices? They have a helpline to talk through exactly these issues as well as a forum for parents bereaved after medical termination.
www.arc-uk.org/
I hope you are able to come to some peace about your decision and able to decide how best to move forward.

You sound like you were in a very difficult position. Do get some counselling if you can, it sounds as if it would be helpful, and be kind to yourself.

thanks fou your advices, ..we started living together with DH when I was pg of DD1,so it's not even 2 years.. and there are huge differences (cultural, religious.. habits,values..) he's chinese and I'm italian.. so it's never been easy but both of us really love our daughter and he's very responsible and hard working and we've tried our best to overcome the differences.. I thought it would be easier to live together, what happened really showed how hard it is if you have different ideas on such important issues.. I keep on thinking about another child because I'm afraid there will be always a shadow of sadness among us otherwise.. Moreover he told me we could have another child to push me to have the termination, now he's changed his mind and I feel like I was cheated..

I've name changed for this because even 14 years later this is still painful to talk about. I don't know if sharing this will help but I really hope I can spare you some of what I've been through by doing so.

I haven't had exactly the same circumstances as you but I did have a termination. At 10 weeks. Like you though I had the people that mattered the most saying that I shouldn't have the baby. That it wasn't the right time. I understand the pressure. I felt so vulnerable and unable to make the decision on my own that I did what they wanted. Even though deep down I didn't want to.

It changed me. I became a shell of the person I was. I withdrew from everything. I wanted nothing but to be able to go back in time and change it all.

Years later I ended up on ADs because I hadn't dealt with any of my feelings. It was like everyone else had got the result they wanted so I couldn't talk to them about it as they would never understand.

I desperately wanted another baby (that baby would have been my first). Eventually I had one (With the same father, we eventually married, had 2 children but have since divorced). I understand that need to try and put things right though.

No future children will ease your pain. I just know that no matter how many children I have had since then none of them make up for what I chose. None of them lessen the hurt. That doesn't mean you shouldn't have anymore just try and deal with your feelings before you consider it. And deal with any relationship problems this has created.

As much as I love my children for a long while I still would have given up everything, including them, if I could have turned back time. Counselling has stopped those sorts of feelings. But it's awful to think that's how I felt.

Please please don't be too hard on yourself. I clung onto the pain for so long as it felt like I deserved to feel it. Obviously the pain is still there for me but not quite as all consuming as it used to be. I realised my marriage was built on trying to make it all better, and he stayed through guilt. I lost me through all of that and it's only in the last four or so years that I feel like me again.

Don't let yourself feel like this forever. When you're ready please please go for counselling. Does the hospital where you were offer a counselling service? There's www.arc-uk.org/ as well out there too.

x

dearest Lemomyumyum, thank you so much for your reply.. I'm sorry to hear what you were going through along all these years..thank you for sharing with me, I hope it doesn't make you hurt more.. I know one more child would not be her and I will never be able to get rid of the pain.. I just would like it hurted a little bit less.. About counselling, I don't know..I'm catholic and live in Italy. Now a priest is trying to help me, but I know it's not the same thing as counselling.. but I'm afraid that attending counselling at the same time whould mix things in my mind, because there're different points of vue and I'm already rather confused.. He absolutely advises me not to look for another child now, to concentrate all my energies and love on DD1. My ginae on the contrary suggested me to try to have another one right now if I feel I want it.. About the relationship with my DH (actually we're not married.. but who cares now), I know a second pregancy would bring pressure and it's risky, but I also think that another child would help us to go on.. I think now he's afraid but afterwards he would love the baby too.. And if ever this child too had problems, I'd like to be stronger and keep him/her whatever he has, even if I had to keep him/her on my own.. but I'm not sure wether what I'm saying does make any sense..