I can't quite believe I'm writing this. On January 18th this year, I lost my ds at 24 weeks pregnant. We had had bad news at our scan just after 20 weeks. At first the doctors thought it was a chromosomal disorder like Edwards or Pataus syndrome, but the main problem was that his head was far too small. It measured 16 weeks when the rest of him measured correctly at 24 weeks. This was my first pregnancy.
I got through the delivery and the hard, hard months that followed. My sil and one of my best friends had beautiful babies in the weeks around my due date. I started to feel better about six months later. It's such a cliche but true that time is a healer.
The doctors had told us that they didn't know what was wrong with ds (he had all his genes tested) but that it looked like dh and I were autosomal recessive carriers of a wrong gene and that any future pregnancies carried a 1 in 4 risk of the same thing happening.
On July 9th this year I got my second bfp. Dh and I were pleased but very anxious. In theory we had a 3 in 4 chance of this pregnancy being ok so although we were realistic, (and I guess somehow preparing for the worst), the few close friends and family we told were much more optimistic. Our scan at 10+5 went well and the baby measured correctly and this allowed us to get our hopes up a bit (with ds he had measured a week behind in the very first scan).
We then had a scan at 14 weeks, two weeks ago. This time the baby measured fine apart from the head which was a week behind. It was like a horrible dejavu nightmare - the same scanning room, the same wait to get a consultant, the same ushering into the bad news room. We were told that it wasn't looking good but we had to wait a further two weeks for confirmation.
And that was yesterday. I'm 16 weeks pregnant today. Our scan yesterday showed that this baby has exactly the same problems as ds. His head has only grown 2 days in the 2 weeks. Like ds, this baby has no chance of life - its brain is simply far, far too small. I have to go back to hospital today and take pills and then go in on Sunday for delivery - I'm too far gone for a medical abortion.
I feel numb. I can't believe that within 10 months I will have given birth to two dead babies. It sounds so horrible even writing or thinking that. My babies. My desperately wanted babies. Dh and I have a strong relationship and I love him to pieces. We both are so keen and so ready for children and he would make such a good dad.
I'm sorry for writing such a huge essay. It kind of helps to write it all down. I think I remember reading a similar thread quite a while ago. I guess I'm reaching out and asking if anyone else has been through this too. How do you get through it? I feel so very tired at the thought of having to go through the months of sadness afterwards. I hated feeling angry and sad last time and I'm dreading feeling the same way again. We have lots of friends who are currently pg and I just feel like I can't deal with it all again.
Also, has anyone had a tfmr at 16 weeks? I imagine in some ways it won't be as traumatic as the one at 24 weeks but I'm still scared. Last time we held ds, took photos and spent time with him. He was small but still very much a baby. I'm worried that this baby (the doctors think but aren't sure that it's another boy) will be much more fetus-like and I don't know how I'll feel. At least in my previous pregnancy there was lots of happiness before our terrible scan. With this pregnancy, it's been so different.
Thank you for reading.