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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

surviving the due date

25 replies

cartoonface · 01/10/2012 14:40

how do you do it? mine is this thursday 4th october. i cant block it out i feel pain whenever it comes back to me. i know not many babies are born on there due dates so its almost silly to remember a date that may not have meant anything, but impossible to forget.
i often think that not enough help and support is given after an early mc. im sure most people feel the same as me, it was a baby to me right from the second i got my bfp. so the due date i have is based on what the midwife said not a dating scan as the dating scan told me my baby was dead.
i keep thinking that i couldve been at home with my new born or even feeling fed up just willing the baby to arrive. its hard not to think of what couldve (shouldve) been. i know its probably best to forget this date, but how?

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Woofsaidtheladybird · 01/10/2012 14:44

Maybe you don't? Maybe you do, who knows. I remember September 7th, and also Feb 7th when I had to have the ERPC. My baby would have been one a month ago. I have had a DS since but the (emotional) pain is still there. So sorry for your loss. You'll get through Thursday somehow. Let yourself cry and get lots of hugs xxx

Original poster

cartoonface · 01/10/2012 14:58

yes see thats the other date ill always remember the one where it all ended 19th march. it will come round very quickly to the 24th jan my second due date. it often doesnt feel real. this happening twice was something i never thought would happen to me. i think this week would have been easier if i was still pregnant with that second one, id have hope.

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Woofsaidtheladybird · 01/10/2012 15:03

It's so horrible. Can you talk with your dh/p or mum, sister or best friend? I was (surprisingly) quite open when I had my mc - the more people I spoke with, the more I realised that such a sad thing happens to SO many people. There must be so much buried and hidden hurt and pain out there....

Original poster

cartoonface · 01/10/2012 15:16

it is awful to know that its fairly common and so many people go through this but that also gives me some comfort iyswim. i luckily do have plenty of people around me. i dont like to put too much on dp as he has his own feelings to deal with and i often say bthe wrong thing to him but i just say what im feeling even though its not always nice.

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Woofsaidtheladybird · 01/10/2012 15:31

It is a bit of a small comfort but it doesn't take the hurt away does it. That's great you've got people to speak to. I have found that that's the best thing. Dh got a rose bush and planted it in our garden to remember our little bean by. Still get teary every so often. I ended up in hospital for 3 days when it happened and I won't forget it in a hurry

Original poster

cartoonface · 01/10/2012 15:49

i went into hospital too the first one was just an over night stay as i started naturally but lost loads of blood. but 3 days must have been horrible. i was terrified and felt so alone when they made my family leave, i guess you felt the same. the second was a quick in and out erpc.
i hate that others have been through the same or worse but id be lying if i said it didnt comfort me to know im not alone and that as bad as it sometimes feels things could be worse. im sorry you know this pain too.

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teaandchocolate · 01/10/2012 19:50

Hi cartoonface. Im also feeling rubbish as my due date is approaching and there's no sign of a baby. Not helped by the fact that 3 close friends are due within weeks of my next due date in April. It's so depressing. Can you do something nice for yourself and treat yourself? You've been through so much you deserve it! I am thinking I might buy myself some clothes that I couldn't wear if pregnant. I've also started exercising which does take my mind off things. Sending you a hug.

TheOwlsAreNotWhatTheySeem · 01/10/2012 20:03

I'm there with you, too. My due date was meant to be Halloween. I'm getting more and more depressed as it's approaching and I hate the sight of all the Halloween paraphernalia that's turning up in the shops...

I'm avoiding taking DS to playgroup as there are two other mums with sons DS's age who are due their second around the end of the month too. The last time we went, three different women grilled me on when I'd be having a sibling for DS. .

I thought it'd get easier over the months, but it's not.

Original poster

cartoonface · 01/10/2012 20:18

I'm sure theyd feel awful if they realised what had actually happened. It must make you feel crap though when people ask about another child. They just don't think.
It's the most horrible feeling I've ever felt. I can't even describe it. two old school friends if mine are due now too infact one was born today. You know what tea, maybe I will treat myself

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Woofsaidtheladybird · 01/10/2012 20:20

It's just so shit. I wasn't going to go to a certain work conference last year as that was when my 12 week scan was due. I went in the end, only for someone to ask when my DD was going to get a brother or sister I did blub a fair bit.

Yes the 3 days in was horrendous. I too had lost a ridiculous amount of blood and try had to keep me in to get my pain under control, and then the op. I still get haunted by it each time I get a period..

I second the idea of doing something nice and lovely for yourself. Maybe a massage or a pedicure? If not, a good mooch in a lovely bookshop and then a nice coffee with your lovely new book. Take care. That's to everyone xx

teaandchocolate · 01/10/2012 20:31

Yes I'm thinking I might get my nails done til I get pregnant again!

WhatDreamsMayCome · 02/10/2012 00:01

I know how you feel cartoonface. I am so sorry that it didn't work out for you.

I thought once I was past the due date in July, the mourning would subside but now is coming up to the time of year when he was conceived (I feel certain it was a boy) and then I remember Christmas Day and the two of us thinking that we would be three by Christmas this year and then after that it will be coming up to the date of the mc. I feel like many of my dreams are on a boat called Diminishing Fertility and it is slowly sailing away from me.

Every month when I have AF, I cry for what might have been. To make matters worse, I have all kinds of other worries about the future too.

WhatDreamsMayCome · 02/10/2012 00:10

Sorry for the losses of everyone else on this thread too.

Original poster

cartoonface · 02/10/2012 12:20

af's arrival gets me every time too. its such a horrible reminder. i feel sure my little pea was a boy no idea why. my other friend had there baby too. so unfair

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Quenelle · 02/10/2012 12:37

Two of my friends had their babies around what would have been my due date. Neither of them knew I had been pregnant, I didn't want them to be worrying about my feelings when they should be thinking about themselves.

It was a hard time. On the actual day I felt like I wanted to do something special, like plant a rose bush or something, but in the end I just had a bit of time to myself and 'talked' to my baby for a while.

We made the decision not to try again, we have one DC already and at my age I felt like I was pushing my luck or something. Probably overly cautious I know but it was how I felt and still feel.

Time does heal. My due date was early May and yesterday my dentist, who was one of the only people I had told, asked what I had had. I actually found it not too painful to tell her what had happened. I felt more sorry for her awkwardness actually.

I'm sorry for everyone who has been through this and I wish you all the very best.

DontmindifIdo · 02/10/2012 12:41

I'm convinced mine was a boy as well.

My answer to the 'do you want a second' is to either be honest and say "well, I'd hoped to but I had a miscarriage" or if it's not someone I can do that with, smile and say "it's on the to do list, at some point!"

My 'due date' is not until January, I've asked DH to book the day off work, DS will be in nursery and we're going to go out for a nice lunch, or just stay at home and cry.

Original poster

cartoonface · 02/10/2012 12:44

its weird you should mention the dentist i cried in my appointment when i had to tell them i actually wasnt pregnant any more i see mine every four-six months and id been the day after i found out i was pregnant so in my excitment i told them when they asked if my medical records had changed. i wish i hadnt.
my friends that do know have been a bit rubbish really but i guess they didnt know how was best to be around me so i got left to it. im sure none of them will have any idea bout the due date.
quenelle i dont think u were/would be pushing your luck at all, but if you have come to a decision that your comfortable with, i think your very brave.

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Quenelle · 02/10/2012 13:19

I confess that I deliberately 'forgot' to go for my last check-up. I wasn't ready at that point to tell the dentist if she had asked.

I have come to terms with my decision. Although I have been welling up a bit as I have typed these posts. Time does heal, it is not as horribly painful now, but there will always be a sadness.

messtins · 02/10/2012 13:21

Anniversaries and due dates are hard, particularly if you have friends who have babies around the time. Pretty much everyone who offered any sympathy when you MC will have forgotten by the due date. I found it helpful to do something to mark the date, first due date I bought a baby-related charity gift. It felt like an apology to my baby girl, I couldn't keep her safe but I can help another baby arrive safely. Or release a balloon, light a candle, plant a tree? Anything to acknowledge that it's a special day. I've now had 2MC so 4 days every year that are sad.
3 years on I still think about how old my baby would have been and look wistfully at little girls her age, but without the awful rawness. It has helped this time round to know that it does get better.
I'm sorry for your losses.
The other thing I wondered about is a thread to remember these special dates? don't know if anyone thinks that would be helpful?

Original poster

cartoonface · 02/10/2012 14:26

i think its the sort of thing that will hurt and haunt me forever, i dont think it will ever go away completely.
i completely understand you missing the dentist i nearly did the same but decided i couldnt put it off forever.
i love all these ideas about doing something to mark the day, im actually suprised ive never come across a thread to remember these dates.
i cant let it go past without any acknolagement but sometimes i wonder if people would think me daft after all they were both before 12wks so quite early.

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WhatDreamsMayCome · 05/10/2012 19:45

cartoonface and Don'tmindifIdo, regarding feeling strongly that your baby was a boy. Did you know that the male foetus is more susceptible to miscarriage? Sometimes, it can also be due to a syndrome carried by the father. It's now believed that Henry VIII carried this gene hence the number of wives and mistresses miscarrying. Only poor Edward made it for a short number of years.

Original poster

cartoonface · 07/10/2012 16:07

That's an interesting theory. Wonder what this syndrome is.

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WhatDreamsMayCome · 07/10/2012 19:23

It's called the Kell antigen.
Hope this weekend has been ok for you.

DistressedMumHELP · 07/10/2012 20:32

I remember my due dates. My eldest should have been December 26th and would have been 6 this December, my second would have been march 26th and would be 4 next march. I think if them often. It is about surviving the dye date. I Still haven't got used to it, even though I now have a DS

Original poster

cartoonface · 09/10/2012 14:28

it actually wasnt so bad as we have been very busy. on the actual day i had a bit of a cry. i came home from work and dp had got me some flowers, chinese food, chocolate and wine. all my favourites! to cheer me up a bit. to be honest i was worse during the week before it knowing the date was coming i felt at times like i just couldnt breathe

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