Not coping very well at the moment, need to rant

[TiredMule]

I know that my situation not nearly as bad as some people but I just feel so shit and low at the moment. I had an early mc in June and as time has gone on I'm feeling worse and worse emotionally. I can't think about anything else, I'm crying several times a day, I'm tired, stressed, grumpy and can't be bothered to do anything. I am extremely lucky to have two beautiful dds, they are the only reason I've been doing anything, but I feel like I'm just going through tthe options. When the mc happened I couldn't tell anyone (other than dh) and had to surpress everything for a week whilst we were away. I'm sure this has made it worse. I haven't told anyone other than my (pregnant) sister since because I don't feel like I can. The fact that is making it all unbearable to deal with is that dh has decided that he doesn't want another baby. I can't even put into words how this is making me feel. I feel like the only way I could ever begin to mend my broken heart is to keep ttc and eventually (hopefully) have dc3. I really don't know what to do-because of the way dh feels I now don't feel like I can talk to him about any of how I'm feeling, because how I'm feeling is my body screaming to ttc and that isn't what he wants to hear. I can't see that such a strong feeling is going to just go away. I suppose I just need to rant and hopefully hear anyone else's stories-maybe there's someone in a similar situation to me?

I know exactly how you feel tired.
I had a mc at 10-11wks in march,we decided to try again and I had another mc at 6 weeks in June, tried again and I've just miscarried again last week, should have been 12 weeks but baby died at 8w6d. I'd had several scans the last time and had seen the heartbeat ,we really hoped this one would make it.
With each miscarriage I've found that the real despair/grieving seems to start after the event, while I'm physically going through it I seem to go into survival mode and it's later that the profound sense of loss really kicks in. Like you I felt the only way of dealing with the loss was to try again, though after losing three in a row my DH now is undecided if we should continue to ttc. I'm 44, we have three DC already. I think men feel differently about it,he wants another baby but has found the emotional rollercoaster heartbreaking, he sees it as a choice, for me it's a need.
We talked about it today, I know at the moment I feel hormonal, I'm grieving for my babies,I feel low and physically and emotionally very shaky so I know I'm not rational,but I've explained to him exactly how I feel about wanting to continue to ttc and he's at least open to talking about it again.We're going to wait one or two months, concentrate on each other and the family,eat healthily etc and put off making a decision at least for a little while,it gives us both time, I feel there's still hope, he feels less pressured.
Do you know why your DH doesn't want to try again, could it because he saw how traumatic it was for you when you mc?
You say your situation isn't as bad as some other people's but you've suffered a devastating loss and understandably are grieving.Whether you have other children or not, you're still going to feel the loss of the little life you made, even if it was brief.It's the loss of what might have been too. It's normal to feel grumpy,weepy , as though everything else is trivial etc, but if the feelings are overwhelming or not going in time could you talk to your GP or have counselling?
Are there any friends in RL who you could tell? I was amazed after my first MC how many other people have been through similar, it's something that's not talked about much. Support and understanding from friends can help and make you feel less alone. There's always Mumsnet too, I've found the ladies on here offer a lifeline!

Thank you so much Irish, I'm so sorry for everything that you have been and are going through. To be honest I don't think him seeing how traumatic it was for me is an issue-as really he didn't see that as I had to hide it all at the time. It is only now he is seeing it and it's all a bit removed now iyswim? I think he has really just decided that 2 is enough, and he can't understand why i'm so upset by this as he keeps repeating that I should be happy with the two we have. And don't get me wrong I am-I know how lucky we are, but it doesn't help how I feel. I don't feel complete, and since the mc I feel very empty.

We had a long talk about it on weds night in a very blunt way. We were both completely honest but it has worried me a lot as we both feel very strongly about wanting/not wanting to try for another. There is no way to compromise. I just don't know where it leaves us. I suppose the only option is for me to try and get my head around never having another and just dealing with it. I just don't know if i can. I know that my emotions are very raw at the moment and maybe it will get easier but who knows?

It's harder because we are both quite young (30 & 31) and most of are friends are just starting to settle down and having chidren-though most haven't yet. So over the next few years it will be constant. Plus my dsis is due later this year with her second and her dh would love more (he is from a big family but she isn't too sure) So I just can't escape what will be contant reminders. And obviously there is my 'mummy' life where i'm contantly surrounded by babies at toddler groups/school etc and many of my mummy friends are having no 2 or 3 at the moment. I don't want to be constantly upset.

I need to build myself up to talking to real life friends, but it's hard as I know that once it's out there there is a chance that it will be gossiped about and I really don't want that. I'm a very private person. There are a couple of friends that I trust completely so i'll talk to them. Counselling is prob something that i should try. I just know it'll be hard as i'm a very emotional person but find it very hard to let it all out-i do tend to bottle it all up and not be able to un-bottle.

I have been feeling a bit better yesterday and today-but it's partly because i'm trying to get on and cope without letting myself think about it all-which long term i don't know if it is for the best?

Sorry for my ramble, and thank you so much for listening. I hope that if you and your dh hopefully ttc again you have a very happy healthy pregnancy x x x