Does it get easier

[Ginevra73]

Hi, started bleeding on Monday and was referred to EPU for scan. I was 11 weeks. Sonographer couldn't find anything, just an empty pregnancy sac, then did vaginal scan and found 6 week embryo with no heartbeat.
Have to go back on Monday for a scan to confirm what I already know, that baby is gone. I am 99.9% sure I am now miscarrying naturally.
I never realised how awful this would feel, not so much physically (though the pain is getting worse) but psychologically/emotionally. I am all over the place.
I am dreading Monday as it is so hopeless and just seems like torture to have to see the empty space on the screen again. But will it help me to move on? How long will it take to feel normal again? I feel so depressed now and my partner just keeps telling me to be thankful for the child we have - I am, but I wanted the child I am losing

Hi there, I'm sorry that you are going though this.

I thought I would share my experience incase it helps you, I also didn't want you to go unanswered I remember praying that someone would reply.

I started bleeding at 12 weeks, the Sonographer could not see anything on the screen but wouldn't say the word miscarriage just asked if I understood what was happening. I then had to keep my prearranged 12 week scan appointment 5 days later, which I too was dreading. However I think Monday may help you in that once you've got an official diagnosis it's my experience that you will get proper advice and talking it though with a professional may help.

Maybe ask your partner to stop telling you to be thankful for the child you have? It's probably just what he is telling himself to cope but from reading other posts on here I don't think having a child already helps the pain, if you have children you know what you've lost and if you don't then you fear you never will.

I think normal is a gradual process with ups and downs. There is the immediate raw heartbreak (I sat on the bed and sobbed and told my DH that I wanted my mummy) then there are days when you feel ok and the days where there are babies everywhere and everyone you know is pregnant. But slowly it gets easier to live with and it will hurt less.

All I can say is what someone else told me on mumsnet, be kind to yourself, whatever that means for you. In the early days I found walking helped, just getting out of the house and moving forward helped the heartache, lots of hugs (I just demanded them even in the middle of the night), tears and talking when needed, spending time with good friends and I kept telling myself just keep breathing, take one minute at a time if that is what it takes.

x

Sazzel
Thanks for your reply, it means a lot. I think tou're right about needing the official diagnosis. Maybe it will help me to say goodbye to the baby.
I am trying to keep going as normally as possible for my DD. She is only 16 months so thankfully doesn't understand what's going on. She is wonderful and that's of course why the loss hurts even more. When I was pregnant with her I didn't have any idea what it felt like to hd uour child in your arms.
I hope I can try again though at the moment I'm not sure I could risk going through this again. One day at a time.
Thanks again
X

Ginevra,

A month ago I had a scan at about 8 weeks that revealed an empty scan, no sign of natural miscarriage and I had been experiencing morning sickness, so no idea that anything was wrong. This was our first and very much wanted baby that we had waited a long time for. I don't imagine the lose and grief is any different, whether you already have children or not.

I had to take drugs to bring on the miscarriage and it was a difficult and painful experience. Like Sazzel said, the emotion is so raw initially. I just didn't know what to do with myself. Initially, I didn't want to leave the house and just stay cocooned in my safe little world then I felt almost claustrophobic and wanted to be outside, away from the city and in the peace of the countryside. You can only do what helps you cope with things in the moment and it will probably be different each day. I just told myself that I needed to pass each day.

A few wees on, I do feel better than I did, but not 'better'. I still find myself on the verge of tears at any time and I feel a bit shaky still, but I don't feel the horrendous raw heartache I initially felt. I am hopeful that when the time feels right, we will try again and I know I will be terrified but I don't know what else we can do.

Sadly you are not alone in this, but it does mean there are people around here who really do understand what you are feeling. Take good care of yourself.

Empty scan? Empty sac....

ps- and as well as making a big typo, I realise I didn't answer your actual questions of 'does it get easier?'. Yes, it does. That doesn't mean it is easy or everything suddenly feels fine, because it isn't/doesn't, but the pain and awfulness of those first few days/weeks does ease, and will ease at your own pace/

Big un mumsnetty hugs. It's a horrible thing to go through but it does get easier. I've had 3 early miscarriages and a late one at 20 weeks. While I'll always carry the loss with me it doesn't ache every day any more. The sun will shine for you again.

I second what was said before, be very kind to yourself. Take time to grieve. Take care

Hi Ginevra, sorry for what you are going through. Miscarriage is horrible. Things will get better with time. You won't forget it but it becomes less painful. You need to go for that scan, just to make sure your miscarriage is complete as horrible as it is and it might help bring you some closure. You have been through a bereavement and like any other it takes time to recover. Be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve. Don't be hard on yourself it's not your fault and don't feel you have to get on with things, go with how you are feeling. Yes you might well not be able to contemplate ever having another pregnancy right now but in time that might change.

I had six miscarriages before I had my dd in march so it can be done even though it's the last thing you feel like now.

Give yourself time, and it will feel better, there's no time limit on it but it will I promise.

so sorry you are going through this, my first miscarriage was at 11 weeks, and my ds was 15 months when it happened. everyone told me to be grateful for him. and of course I am but it really doesn't help. in answer to your question yes it does get easier and in time it won't feel as raw and painful as it does now. there isn't really a right thing for anyone to say try not to get too upset with people saying the wrong things though, they are trying to help at least. it can be painful so demand good and strong painkillers from the hospital you hopefully won't need them but no need to be in physical pain too. I feel for you x x

Hi Ginevra

I'm so sorry you are going through this, I have just gone through the exact same thing in the last few weeks and I am hoping it will get easier, as I just feel so totally heartbroken like you Ginevra.

I was having some spotting at 5 weeks so went for a scan, and every week for the next 4 weeks the kept me coming back for scans even though they had told me at the 2nd scan the little baby wasn't developing or growing, and every scan I had to watch the screen, and watch my little button not getting any bigger and not having a heartbeat....it was completely soul destroying.....at the 3rd scan I asked the nurse if they were sure, and even my Dh & I could see there was no growth why couldn't they just take me in and give me a D&C as going home after these scans and having to wait another week to be hit by the same train again and again was emotionally destroying for me and every time it was like torture all over again......but they said due to their 'code of ethics' they had to have 4 definite scans of no hb or growth before they could do anything....it has been the worst few weeks of mine and DH's life I can truly say......so after my last scan they told me, just one more scan and then we'll take you in, but I miscarried myself the day before the final scan.....so Ginevra I know what you are going through, its awful, truly awful....the physical pain wasn't very pleasant, I presumed it would be like a period, but it was slightly more painful than that, coupled with the emotional trauma I was going through, its just been a nightmare......I hope you are okay Ginevra, everyone is telling me that it just takes time, I have cried solidly for the last 2 days, and this morning is the first morning I have woken up and not burst into tears........I have two DD's and like that DH keeps telling me 'sure look we're blessed we have them' and i know we're blessed, but I wanted this baby too, which makes me feel so greedy and selfish when I say that, but I really wanted to have this baby, even though I was 11 weeks when I had the miscarriage and I know it didn't develop from earlier than that, it still is my little baba.........the worst pain is wondering what could have been, I just feel that's the hardest part to get through.

Sorry for such a long rant, I'm thinking on you, and hope you get the strength to get through this, you and your Dh, cry as much as you want, time is a great healer (I hope for both of us Ginevra)

Frankly xxx

Thanks to all of you for your replies. It really helps to know my feelings of grief are normal. It is so sad that so many women ( and their partners) lose their little ones. I really wish I had done more to help when this has happened to friends in the past.

This morning all hope that the scan might have been wrong evaporated. I am 99% sure that I have now completely miscarried - I had a sudden severe cramping pain followed by several episodes of gushing blood and passing what looked like pieces of placenta. It was horrendous. I sobbed my heart out.

I only hope now that the scan shows it has been complete so I can try to heal. I hope I can find the strength to try again.

Of course, I'll never forget this baby. At least I had a few weeks of joy after finding out I was pregnant.

Love to all of you who have been through this or are still going through it x