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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

What can I say or do for my friend?

2 replies

Pinkflipflop · 22/08/2012 20:58

She has just lost her second baby at under 10 weeks. She is devastated.

It breaks my heart because she would be (and I pray will be soon) an amazing mum.

What can I say that doesn't sound empty and hollow?

I hope this doesn't come across the wrong way but I'm 17 weeks pregnant, would it be better to give her space? She won't want to hear from me, right?

I'm very sad tonight, I can't begin to contemplate what she is going through but I'm not very good at "saying" the right thing.

OP posts:
Geekster · 22/08/2012 21:37

It is hard. I have had six miscarriages and have had friends who have been pregnant when I desperately wanted a baby. I found I preferd it when people acknowledged my loss in person rather than over the phone. I found it better when people said they were sorry for my loss, and that they were there for me if I wanted to talk, and they regularly checked how I was feeling. I didn't make them feel guilty for being pregnant it wasn't their fault. I didn't like it when people said oh its for the best there might must have been something wrong with it or you can try again. Just try to be there for your friend as a shoulder to cry on, and try not to get upset of she feels unable to talk to you for a while or seems jealous or resentful for a while. She won't be really but it can be hard for a while

The fact you are asking how to help shows that you are a good friend and I am sure you will be there for her. Daft as it sounds she may well be upset that you are upset! My sister was so sad when I had one of my miscarriages as she was pregnant herself at the same time. And I was sad that she was so sad.

Just let her know you are there it's all you can do, and don't feel guilty that you are pregnant it's no ones fault.

Irishmammybread · 23/08/2012 00:39

You sound like a really caring friend.
If you go on the Miscarriage Association website they have a downloadable leaflet specifically for friends and family and it details things that aren't helpful to say (My MIL managed to say most of them!) and also what you can do to help.
I definitely would contact her and let her know you're there if she wants to talk, even if she doesn't that gesture will make her feel more supported. It's a lonely time and a lot of people, because they don't know what to say, say nothing or avoid you.
A lot of people seem to feel after a few weeks/months you should be over it, so ongoing concern further down the line is a good idea too.

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