Help me help my SO - early MC

[ourmaninthenorth]

First post in this crazy place, so go easy on me (and I'm a man...).

My SO has, it seems, suffered an early MC (c6 weeks). We did an PG test last Tues on hols, and it was positive. Driving home from hols (southern France), my SO started to suffer some mild pain and had brown discharge. With a one off bright red bleed on Sunday (our DS's 2nd birthday...) and another on Monday.

Went to GP then onto EPAU on Monday morning. Internal(?) scan showed no evidence of a pregnancy except for poss cyst near an ovary. They took blood for HCG count and notionally agreed to let her go home. She called for the results later on Mon and her HCG levels were c9000 (IIRC), so she was admitted to the hosp to be watched.

Her pain worsened overnight and - fearing an ectopic - they zipped her into theatre yesterday morning. But the laparoscopy showed nothing - no sign of a pregnancy and only the possibility of a burst hormone cyst.

They'll do second of the 48hr blood tests today, but it looks like she can come home from hosp today.

I'm a typical man - internalise my worries and fears - and I can do practical help. I can also hold her in my arms, but it would be good to know what other ways I can help her. She describes feeling numb right now - this PG wasn't planned, but it wasn't unplanned either (if that makes sense) - and I guess any sense of loss will hit her later.

What can I do to help her (and us) move on in due course?

Thanks

[thisisyesterday]

i'm so sorry for your loss :(

all i can say by way of advice is be there for her. and talk about it if she wants to talk...

[groundhogmum]

So so sorry for your loss . I have also suffered an early MC and all I would say is to be there for her. Practical help is great - I found it particularly difficult coping with my 18 month old DD for the first week or so after the MC as I was so physically exhausted.

The actual due date for me was quite difficult that first year. My DP and I went and chose a rose bush and planted it in the garden to remember. I have heard of other families letting off balloons, lighting candles etc.

You can get through this together, just remember you have suffered a loss too and also need time to grieve, best wishes.

[ourmaninthenorth]

Thanks both. Much appreciated. Luckily, my SO's parents live nearby and are able to help with our DD (not DS - doh!). Am also frantically trying manage major work stuff too - too many plates.

[ourmaninthenorth]

Just out of interest, are there any organisations/resources worth looking at?

[babyjames]

So sorry for your loss. I had a MC over the weekend and am still bleeding. Am feeling physically shattered and have needed a sleep during the day. Also needing help with my toddler and getting meals cooked as am just not hungry. I have found the miscarriage Association website useful as the NHS have given me no information or advice yet.

[qazxc]

so sorry for your loss.
I've just had an early miscarriage. This will be my second in less than six months. The most important thing is that you talk to each other and remain open and honest. I think that the first time round, i didn't confide how hard it was for me so as not to further upset DP and vice versa. This time we both say what is on our minds and it does makes feel much closer. Every woman is different but i know i went (and am still going through) a range of emotions.

[kittykatsforever]

For me if helped that my dh said it was up to me if I wanted to try again or take a break etc, at first he said I think we should stop trying for abit now and j remember just feeling overcome with grief about everything and that on top! When you mc the desire to become pregnant again can be all consuming so expect alot of tears and emotional behaviour! Just let her cry, talk be alone, whatever helps her

[ourmaninthenorth]

Weirdly, today's second (i.e. 48hr) HCG test has shown her levels increasing by nearly double (around 78%) suggesting that the second diagnosis of miscarriage (first diagnosis of ectopic) is possibly incorrect.

So, another scan tomorrow to see if anything can be seen (normal PG or ectopic) and then go from there.

Confusing times and I hate leaving her alone while I go home (and work...).

Thanks - and for those having a hard time right now, hope everything is as good as it can be. Thank you for taking the time to think of us, as we do of you.

[kittykatsforever]

Hi our man
That's interesting, what were her levels, I was told that unless it is over 1000 they wouldn't see anything in there, has to be atleast over 1500 really. You both must be so confused, my situation was very similar, I hope it works out for you.

[lotsofcheese]

I'm hoping everything goes well for the scan tomorrow - fingers crossed xx

[ourmaninthenorth]

So, after another long day, the story is this:

Monday's HCG - c9000
Wednesday's - c16000

So, not ectopic (and the laparoscopy on Tues showed that).

Scan this morning didn't show a pregnancy, but did show an unusual area. Diagnosis from that was a suspicion of molar pregnancy (fairly rare, as I understand).

So Mrs North found herself in theatre again this evening having the (I believe) unenviable D&C. But what they removed wasn't very large and didn't really confirm their view of molar. So, off to the lab for histology and more HCG level testing.

Quite what happens next is anyone's guess..!

She feels pretty ropey after all the prodding and poking and two gen anasth operations in 60 hours, and feels pretty strongly that another pregnancy is not for her (first one was awful). That sort of makes me sad, but I;m so pleased she's safe and in one piece. And we have such a beautiful DD I'm still the luckiest man alive.

If we find out more, I'll let you know. Thanks for the kind words and support.

[babyjames]

Have been thinking of you ourman I am so glad that your wife is safe and well. I hope she feels much better soon and they get to the bottom of all this. Be kind to yourself to.

[babyjames]

Thought I'd share a poem with you:

You're Stronger Than You Think

If the strongest tree can bow and bend
From winds that hurried by
We cannot feel that we are weak
If we break down and cry

Somehow the tree gets stronger
As the sun shines once again
And so are we from tears we've cried

Remember that my friend ~

[ourmaninthenorth]

hey babyjames - thanks for that.

Hope you too are doing OK. One step at a time....

[babyjames]

Yes one step at a time. I'm trying to focus on my DS who is most amazing :)

[thisisyesterday]

poor her, that sounds really rough :(

[ourmaninthenorth]

Enjoy your DS. He'll have no idea what's up, which is what's so great.

[lotsofcheese]

I'm sorry to hear that; from what you've said in your previous posts I had suspected it may be molar.

I had a molar pregnancy a year ago & it was an awful experience. I had to wait a month for the diagnosis to be confirmed, then be monitored with urine samples for 6 months. Thankfully I got the all-clear after that. Some centres move faster than that, so hopefully you'll know before that. And only 3 specialised centres in the UK offer diagnostic & support services

www.molarpregnancy.co.uk is a good source of information & the support forum is good.

If that is the diagnosis, it's a bit of a double whammy, so your partner will be shocked & upset.

I found the D&C fine; I was a bit sore for a few days - thankfully my DS was too young to understand too & actually helped me keep going.

Please feel free to PM if I can help

[ourmaninthenorth]

thanks lotsofcheese - appreciate that.

They're still not confident it is molar - during D&C called consultant up to have a chat - so will wait on histology. We're told 2-6 weeks for that.

More HCG tests tomorrow (48 hours after op). Fingers crossed levels are going the right way, or methotrexate is the next option.

TBH the medics have admitted it's an unusual case....

I'm just pleased my SO is OK. My MIL & FIL have DD, but I'm missing being in our little family unit. Will be nice to have them home..!

[saffronwblue]

What a roller coaster for you both! Be aware that people often don't know what to say after an early lost pregnancy and that their attempts to dismiss it "It was not really a baby" can be very wounding.

[ourmaninthenorth]

So far not had that. For us, the pregnancy was a nice surprise, but it was all over so quickly (a week of knowledge) and my SO admitted to not feeling PG (she had hyperemsis with DD) that - for me at least - the sense of loss isn't too great. My SO feels, I think, similarly and has this week felt so ill herself (as a result of 2 gen anaesthetics in 60 hours) that any feeling of loss has been pushed back.

Will see ow it unfolds when we're all home.

TBH I have major health concerns hanging over me, and a PG would be a poss complication of that so perhaps a blessing....