Can't get over it

[Woofsaidtheladybird]

Hello. Am just after abut of advice really, ad hope my problem doesn't offend anyone.

I have two dc, a minx of a dd who is 3.3 and a delight of a Ds who is 8 months. However in Jan/Feb last year I had a miscarriage. After my ERPC I was lucky enough to conceive Ds. Yet I am still haunted by my miscarriage. I was 9 weeks pregnant.I bled over a week, with the last 3 days in hospital as the blood loss was so heavy. That Friday night was horrendous, the pain was terrible, and I couldn't stand for the heavy, heavy blood loss. I am now suffering with really heavy periods - the first 2 days I end up sitting on the loo throughout the day and let it all flood out. I've been investigated and its all ok. But last night I was in pain and in a mess and my lovely DH was there. But every month now for the past 5 months this happens and it brings it all back to me, the whole nightmare. I know I am very lucky to have my children, but I just cannot forget that horrid time, and all the 'might have beens'.

I just feel its a bit pathetic especially when I read about how some ladies on here have had more losses than me, and don't have children, and I am so sorry, and it just makes me feel guilty and stupid.

But every flipping month I have this stupid heavy period, and it all comes back to me and I just keep hiding away and sobbing my heart out. I'm bloody bonkers Sorry.

Sorry about spelling mistakes I'm on my phone.

Bump....?

Hi Woof, I don't think you're bonkers at all. You shouldn't feel guilty about grieving for the loss of your little one and just because you have children it doesn't mean you don't still love and miss the one you wont have.
I have three DC, a DS 19y,DD1 13y and DD2 8y but had a miscarriage at 11 wks in March, concieved again in May, miscarried at 6 wks in June,concieved again straight away and discovered last week at 10 wks there is now no heartbeat so am waiting to see if I start to miscarry,if not I'll have to go in for an ERPC/medical management.
I too know I'm lucky to have three wonderful children already but the ones I've lost would have been just as loved and welcome . Having said that I think having the children does give you something positive to focus on to go forward.
It sounds like your experience in hospital was very traumatic. It's good you have a supportive DH. Would counselling help ?

Hello Irishmammy thank you so much for replying. Huge sympathies for what you have been going through this year, all one after the other. Totally unbearable.

You're right in saying that the lost ones would have been loved and welcomed just as much. We planted a little rose bush in our garden and it blossomed beautifully this year, which brought a lump to my throat. Its also coming up to the date when s/he would have been one years old. But yes, I do take great comfort in my little ones. After my sobfest last night, I just went into my DSs room and stroked his little cheek and my heart welled up (if it does that sort of thing). Same with DD.

It was a traumatic night in hospital - the days after were better, but each time I went to the loo I had to wee in a bedpan so they could measure my blood losses. I had to have an internal (for some godawful reason) when being admitted. We were staying at my parents at the time, and my Dad brought me and my DH in (Mum stayed at theirs with DD). Mum said to me afterwards that Dad could hear my screams and crying outside the ward, where he was waiting. The pain was excruciating. The staff, however, were so lovely and understanding. Lots of hugs and handholding. I had a month off work after as I was anaemic. The day I went back to work, my close friend there told me she was pregnant. Of course I was pleased for her, but I just had to hide in the loo and sob

I've thought about counselling. But you know, in reality, when can I go? I'm on mat leave now, soon to go back to work. I'm with the children all day, and my DH is always home late-ish in the evenings. I may discuss it with my GP as these heavy periods just bring it all back.

Again, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I hope what you are going through right now doesn't end up too painful and traumatic.