'Old' MMC

[premmiemummy]

Way back in 2007 I had a missed m/c at 8-9 weeks. I found out at my 12 week scan and was massively shocked. I had a D&C soon after. My way of dealing with it at the time was to keep myself busy with wedding preparations and then having another baby (who was a 24 weeker) and then another baby. It is only now that my youngest child is 10 months that now I seem to be thinking more and more about my lost baby. It still really really hurts. Has anyone else felt like this and does it make sense to anyone?

16 years later I still think about the baby I miscarried. Boy or girl, blonde or brunette etc and wonder what that child would have been like.
Still if I hadn't lost that child I wouldn't now have DD2 - who is lovely!

I know. I have two beautiful little boys who I love infinitely. But I still miss that child.

Same. I think you just have to put it at the back of your mind and get on with things. It wasn't meant to be, and that's that. There is a theory that mis-carriages happen because the pregnancy isn't "right"

Definitely - I had a mc way back in 2005, very much unplanned, I was a student at the time and I didn't even know I was pg (irregular cycles) until I lost the baby very early on at 6 weeks. The fall out from that was awful, my relationship broke up, I nearly dropped out of my course at uni etc.

But in the 7 years since then I finished my course, went on to meet someone else, bought a house, got married, had another healthy baby (who is now a 2 y/o handful!) and i generally haven't been dwelling on the mc too much. Then last month I had a mmc around 8 weeks and had to have erpc. Because of my DS and being in the middle of a very busy time at work and mid-house move I haven't taken too much time to really think about it, but I feel drained and sad about both lost babies, apprehensive about getting pg again, strange dreams at night, exhausted during the day, all of that kind of stuff.

Funny how things you just automatically get through still linger on and come back to you at unexpected times.

I'm reading this with interest as i've had 2 MCs, recently, and have thought about how i will feel about it in a few years time when things are less raw.

I'm really encouraged to find that down the line you went on to have other children who stayed with you, i hope for this for me too.

I don't want to upset anyone, but i find the whole "theory that mis-carriages happen because the pregnancy isn't "right" " absolutely abhorrent.

I too am glad that I went on to have two boys. All the drama of having the older one early and the NICU journey did take my mind off losing the first one. And then having another child but things seem to have settled down so I
have more time to myself. Maybe you're right that I should try not to let these feelings get out of control. Have you all heard of the 'saying goodbye' services later on this year?

I would disagree that you should try to put this to the back of your mind.
I've found (4 mc before having ds2) that you are very focused on getting pg again, finding out the reasons why you mc etc, and so don't really take the time to grieve that you would with a different kind of breavement.
I think OP you could give yourself a bit of time out to think of the child you lost, maybe write your feelings down, or find some kind of memorial significant to you (a picture, a piece of jewellry, a tree or whatever).

I had two mmc's in 2009 and I think of those babies often. Three babies in all as the first pg i was carrying twins.

I have a beautiful 18mo DS. Rather than that old theory, which I do think is right in a sense, I like to think that DS was simply just worth the wait and the previous babies watched over him.

I am apprehensive about the future, I would love another baby despite always saying I wouldn't push my luck but DH is scared to go through it all again.

captainhoratio don't lose faith you'll get there. DS was our last try before we gave up trying for a while to decide what to do. I thought I had lost him too but he clung on (a little bit too well thank you very much mister induced at 41weeks).

Captain - out of interest, why do you find that abhorrent?

I remember mine every year on the date of the mmc. Well at other times as well. The story is a terrible one which I don't want to talk about here but there are so many unanswered questions, like OP, what sex was it etc etc. I still have my folic acid tablet pot, 16 years later.

I find the idea that MC happen when a pregnancy isn't 'right' abhorrent because in many cases there is nothing 'wrong' with the pregnancy but another outside cause.

The post mortem on my DS showed he was completely healthy and viable, and I find this 'he wasn't meant to be' stuff really insulting to his memory. He really was meant to be, and was perfect in every way.

I think about my lost baby really often. A year after my miscarriage we were having egg collection, transfer, two week wait and positive pregnancy test so our sad date is now sandwiched between some happy ones. Every year we take our twins out to the forest to where we planted our remembrance tree and grieve for the little one we will never know. It is bitter sweet because I wouldn't have my girls if that baby had lived but I really wish I had all three.

CaptainHoratio I agree with you - I have had one mc where there was a trisomy (so you could say not meant to be) but the reason I now have the baby I longed for is having had treatment for natural killer cells which my doctor thinks can attack healthy pg. To say there was always something wrong with the embryo can discourage people from seeking answers to help in the future.

12 years ago I had a MMC with twins. I found out at 13 weeks after seeing them healthy at 5,6 and 7 weeks. The died towards the end of 7 weeks.

I have two healthy children but think of them so often. I have a bit of an obsession with twins. I pick out names and double prams and think about what they would have been like - I almost feel like I'm 'owed' twins at some times.

It's hard and I don't think I'll ever forget them. Sometimes you can get on with life and sometimes it just seems to be bubbling just under the surface. I find it hard that my family never mention them. But why would they?

I've also struggled with not telling ,my DD (11). She recently asked about miscarriages and I almost felt it was wrong not to tell her of her twin siblings - they aren't a dirty secret. But she doesn't need to know that sadness. It wouldn't do her any good.

OP. it makes perfect sense to me. I lost two babies in the same way you did, I was 17 with the first and just turned 20 with the 2nd. I also now have a DS. It has only been very recently I have cried about them openly or spoke about the two gorgeous babies I lost. I still think of them. It is 6 years since I lost my first, junior who I believe was a girl and 4 years on the 28th of this month since I lost littley. I still think about them and love them.

I believe that the pain doesn't fade or go away, you just learn to live with it.

((((hugs)))

BTW I started a book that I keep of poems and thoughts, dreams etc of the babies I lost. I started it 5months ago and sometimes I just open it to read it and it makes me feel better. I also wear a little bracelet that says remembered today, and always for the two babies I lost, my dad, my FIL, and L.

I lost one 16 years ago, I now have two girls and expecting a boy. I still think of my first, and wonder how different life would be. The miscarriage caused an infection and I was told I would never have children. My girls are 6 and 2.

My mum lost a baby late on, prior to me. I always knew about my lost sibling and am always grateful to the angel that allowed me to be born, as my parents were only going to have three.

I had a miscarriage in October last year. Am now 35 weeks pregnant again & I keep thinking about the miscarriage. I'm having another boy (son is 2.6) & am convinced that the miscarried baby was a girl. It just makes no sense.

A poem to help.

ANGEL OF MY TEARS

How do you love a person
Who never got to be,
Or try to envision a face,
You never got to see,
How do you mourn the death,
Of one who never got to live?
When there's nothing to feel good about,
And nothing to forgive,
I love you my little baby,
My companion of the night,
Wandering through the lonely hours,
Beautiful and bright,
What does it mean to die,
Before you were ever even born,
To live the lovely night of life,
And never see the dawn,
I love you my little baby,
As if you'd lived for years,
No more, no less I think of you,
The angel of my tears.

For my two baby angels who died at 8-9 weeks to mmc's

That poem is lovely

Captain I'm sorry you feel that way but to me feeling that the pregnancy wasn't meant to be is the only way I can cope with losing it. I also can't cope with referring to the miscarriage as a 'baby' as I can deal better with it being a non-viable cluster of cells. Which is why I find it odd that I find myself dwelling on the miscarriage as a girl more & more.

We all deal with things in different ways, there is no right or wrong way.

Mylittlemiracles
Sitting here in tears. Beautiful poem. Thank you x

helsbels logic goes out the window when it comes to losses like this. I lost mine at 13 weeks. I did not find out the gender, but I know it was a girl, called Chelsea. Totally daft in the eyes of logic. I thought she was the only baby I would ever have, my only chance of being. Mummy. I could not bear to be around babies, in cafes, anywhere.