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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

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Still so sad and worried...

2 replies

Dot73 · 15/08/2012 01:56

Hi, this is the first time I've been on a site like this. I lost my first baby on boxing day 2010 (8wks) which was really hard but we thought well ok it wasnt mean to be at that time. I became pregnant again in July 2011 and everything was fine until 36wks 5 days and our darling little girl passed away. She was perfect in every way and other than a knot in her cord there was no other reason as to why she was born sleeping.

I'm scared of trying again and also feel that age is against me (i'm 39) and I dont have any other children. We feel ready to try again but I have a feeling this is never going to happen now. (worse thing is I felt that something was going to go wrong with my beautiful girl and had 3 dreams prior to losing her that it was going to happen). I keep thinking I'm too old and have been using ovulation tests for the last few months but according to those I haven't ovulated in months.

I'm still so sad over losing our little girl and cry pretty much everyday. I stay in a lot of the time because all I seem to see are pregnant woman and woman with newborns. I feel it's tearing me apart. I can't even look at the baby isle in the supermarket without crying my eyes out. I know that we are still grieving but it just feels like the pain will never end, as much as I would love to have a baby if anything went wrong this time, I'm not sure I'd survive but then part of me knows that we would give a child such a loving home.

I just wanted to speak to someone in my age range to see if there is a light at the end of the tunnel.................

OP posts:
ShesADreamer · 15/08/2012 04:48

Oh Dot, I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter. Such a heartbreakingly cruel thing to have happened after your mc. No wonder you still feel so raw.

I don't have any useful advice. This is such an intensely personal grief that I cannot say what may be right for you.

I'm 38 and have had mcs so I understand a tiny portion of the pain you're feeling. My circumstances are not at all comparable but I was shocked by how poleaxed I was by the grief.

Do you have good people around you in RL and professional support to help you?

The lack of ovulation could be a temporary response to the shock and trauma you are suffering but maybe you could seek medical confirmation of your fertility status. Hopefully this would be enormously reassuring - 39 is not so late!

That way you could remove the horrible worry about leaving it too late and grieve for your DD without the added pressure.

You sound like you are doing amazingly well considering the terrible blow you have been struck and like a strong, grounded individual who would make a wonderful parent if you ever feel able to try again.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that, in your post, you sound like you desperately want to try but are naturally paralysed by the fear of further pain.

If you look forward fifteen years, do you think you will be dogged by regrets that you didn't try again while there was still a chance?

On the other hand, does the idea of firmly shutting that door now give you a feeling of blessed relief that you don't have to open yourself up to that pain again? That you can concentrate on rebuilding a happy fulfilled life, stuffed to the gills with all the wonderful things life has to offer without the drain of bringing up children?

Don't listen to your head, go with your heart.

Really hope things start to feel easier soon and reminders of babies and pregnancy feel less like salt in the wound.

I know your post will stay with me for a long time. I will be thinking of you.

Dot73 · 15/08/2012 15:06

Thank you for your kind words. We are on a waiting list for bereavement counselling at the moment. Both me and my husband do without a doubt want to have a child so I guess we keep trying but without putting pressure on each other. I am lucky to have really good friends who I can talk to and my husband although very reluctant to talk about her is incredibly supportive. He doesn't really bring Jess up but he will talk openly when I do. Fingers crossed xx

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