Why does everyone try to tell you 'it's for the best' when you MC?

[MiggleMoo]

I am fed up with being told that the 2 mcs I have had are 'probably for the best' or 'look on the bright side'. No I don't want to look on the bright my dh and I really want a 2nd dc after being blessed with our beautiful ds. We have a wonderful, loving family to welcome another child into and really, really want this! I don't see a brightside to 2 MCs in a row, I really don't - so far I have had 'well there will be a bigger age gap and easier to handle when 2nd one appears'. 'Must have been a bad egg good thing to have gotten rid of it'. 'gives me a chance to lose the rest of baby fat from dc1 before being pregnant again' etc

All I really wanted was someone to say 'thats really sad, so sorry its happened' and give me a hug! But no everyone seems to try and put a positive spin on it!

Sorry, i know people are trying to help but after long conversation with my MIL I am feeling a bit frustrated!

I hear ya. Have had a recent mc and someone told me the baby wouldn't have been 'right' so it was a blessing . Thinking about it now, don't think i got any hugs either. Remember on one very bad day asking what a girl had to go through to get a bunch of flowers. Felt like shit. Hope you feel better soon. It does pass, this feeling of wanting everyone to eff off.

To answer your question, I think it's cos they can't think if anything else to say.

i lost my 1st baby and i was like you heartbroken, a lovely nurse told me that even though i was heartbroken this baby was just not meant to be and that losing it at 12 weeks though it was terrible there was a very good chance that at full term it would not have survived. I know its no help but you know that you can carry a baby full term so fingers crossed for next time. I am sorry for your two lost babies.

It's shit isn't it? I'm sorry you've been through this. I had a mmc between DS1 and DD and I heard similar collects from others. I used to get really fucked off with being told to be positive - mainly because the person saying it just wasn't able to help me deal with my sadness and it was a lazy, default response.

The "probably for the best" comment is oft used in these circumstances. Hurtful as I know it is but people do usually mean well. You have every right to set them straight though and explain that you don't see it that way .

Best of luck.. You know you can carry a pregnancy to term - you will make a sibling soon! l

They are probably the sort of people who like to hear that type of talk, you need to find someone less limited emotionally.

Sorry for your loss.

Cheese - yes you're right. and before I had any mcs yes I was much the same, and said similar things, normally along the lines of 'just wasn't meant to be', maybe it is because you have to go through these things to fully understand them. As my father put it, he felt I had lost a bunch of cells so was no big deal, I felt I had lost my child. He was really honest about not understanding but trying to be supportive.

Roundtoit - that is quite a well put version of some of the comments I have had - just more eloquent.

deepdown I know people are just trying to help and be positive.

also I am a little all over the place as stringly suspect I am pregnant again and just worried about the same outcome. Can't understand why it was so easy with our son, fell pregnant first cycle of trying, easy pregnancy, beautiful child and having so many problems 2nd time around - maybe our luck has run out :-(

Opps that was meant to say strongly not stringly!

migglemoo, hello. I am sorry you have had such a lot of insensitive reactions. I had some like this, and it made me
I think some of it is because people want to say something positive, or don't know what to say...
If someone hasn't had a miscarriage themselves, they may not have given it much thought, or have any idea of the physical and emotional trauma it puts you through.
Sometimes it's a generational thing too - not always - but I found there was a touch of the 'women's troubles', to some people's comments. My MIL has been great in some ways after my mc's, she has babysat my DD a lot so we can have scans etc, but she has been quite tactless sometimes, particularly about my early mc. 'well that was something very strange wasn't it, a blighted ovum or something wasn't it'...

The best people were those who had been through it themselves.and a good friend who gave me the birthstone of my lost baby to keep.

Don't let other people's rubbish comments belittle how you are feeling. Big hugs to you. X

I'm sorry you've had to deal with this on top of such sadness. To answer your question I think some of the 'for the best' comments are said when people are afraid the person might blame themselves i.e. intended to make you feel it wasn't your fault and there's nothing you could have done - like the ones about the chromosomes not being quite right to make a baby that could be carried to term.

The other ones (about bright sides and age gaps and baby fat) I can only assume are made by people who cannot empathise and can't handle grief. Like when people say 'at least he's not in pain anymore' or 'at least you had Xx years with him' when I'm upset about my Dad dying.

I hope you have some good news soon.

I hate that one too and the whole "we just don't know why it happens" one which is a total lie! I can name two conditions that cause more than 1 in 20 miscarriages between them and I bet people could name some more too. I don't think miscarriage is taken seriously enough.

Sorry to hear about your mc, OP.

I think people say these dumb things as humans just like to "fix" things and it's very hard to know what to say when there really is no bright side.

My husband is a terrible fixer, for example. He can't bear for me to be sad about anything without trying to fix it, even if all I want is a cuddle and sympathy. It's taken years of me coaching to get him to stop instantly spouting platitudes and just hug me.

I have had mc too and luckily no-one said this kind of thing to me. All my friends just said how sorry they were. But I have heard it said to others. Just ignore it - it's their awkwardness, not your problem.

Sorry to hear about your mc miggle. I can understand your frustration; those type of responses just highlight a real lack of understanding of your sad and painful situation. Im lucky that I haven't had many of those comments. I did however have someone tell me to "get back on the bandwagon" and ttc 7 days after a late mc. I also feel frustrated when people tell me how good it is to "move on" 2 weeks after mc. I really do not find that kind of "advice" helpful. I do however greatly appreciate family and friends who have acknowledged and empathised with the sadness we feel. Big hug to you miggle.

Yes it is awful and I believe if you have nothing nice say nothing motto! If you never wanted a baby you would 1. Prevent!!!!!! It's a good thing when you find out and in the past! I would shout from rooftops but I've had 3 of my much wanted babies taken too soon 2 ectopics and I MMC at 12 weeks, my last 1 I never told anyone because the looks and the I'm sorry was just too much!!!! I wanted all to be confirmed as well before sharing news! It went wrong and was a nasty shock! Now
I will sit on that news for as long as I can as the only support I need is from DH!!! It's awful to have a much wanted baby taken it cuts so deep when the insensitive, stupid, foolish comments come from people who don't have a flippin clue!!!!
So sorry - its so cruel! Ps - there are some wonderful books out there dealing with all the feelings we have to deal with!
Best of luck for future xxx