Stopping ttc after miscarriage

[joberg]

I had my 4th mc 17 days ago. We have been ttc this time for ten months. I don't seem to fall pregnant easily in the ten years we have been married, but have managed to produce a DS (3) and DD (2). Throughout our marriage, DH has changed his mind time and time again about whether or not he wanted to have kids.

I desperately want a third child and have done since my DD was born. But I would never do anything without DH consent. yesterday DH announces he doesn't want to TTC anymore. This escalated into a row and he moved into spare room. This morning he left before we got up, so I called him and he is still adamant. I think he is being so cruel and his timing stinks. I feel so down at the moment and cry most days. I am sitting in toilet surrounded by preconception vitamins and feeling utterly desperate. The conversation ended with him saying that he doesn't think that we can survive another child and me saying that I can't survive not having another child to heal this gaping wound I am nursing at the moment.
I have given him until Friday to come to a decision but if it is the wrong one I may walk away from the marriage, I feel that strongly about this. Not quite how I wanted this conversation to go!
I just don't know what to do...Has anyone had similar experiences?

I haven't got the same sort of experience (we had no DC but then miscarried twice in a row), but I do know that it takes its toll on your relationship. DH and I had epic, hurtful arguments in between and after the miscarriages because we were both hurting and lashing out at the person we knew wouldn't walk away. We fell pregnant again but made the decision that if it didn't work out, we would stop trying for a bit and concentrate on our relationship and us - have sex because we enjoy it, not just to make a baby, talk about other things, go out and have a drink occasionally.

This pregnancy seems to be going ok , but I think sometimes you have to take a step back for the sake of the relationship you're in. Could you perhaps discuss a timescale with your DH about not TTC for? The thing is, although if will be worth it in the end, having a successful pregnancy doesn't make the pain of the miscarriages go away. That still has to be dealt with, and sometimes time is the best healer.

I'm really sorry for your losses and hope you can come to a compromise with your DH.

I think 17 days is very soon. Can you agree to give it a set amount of time, a month, couple weeks and then talk again. Him seeing you so upset is only going to further his opinion that you can't cope with another disappointment and in the scheme of things a couple of weeks isn't going to make any difference. You surely can't be in any state of mind to be thinking about leaving a marriage. Let yourself heal and grieve. I have been through 2 mc too so I do understand but I know each situation different. He will be grieving too. Good luck I have had the exact same argument so I really feel for you x x

Dear Joberg. I feel for you. I can't related to your whole situation. But I also had a MC last week. also nr 3. I have a DD(6) and DS(2). I was still on the delivery bed with DS and I told DH and want another. He said we couldn't afford it. In SA you have to pay for school and aftercare. I prayed almost everyday and cried alot. Beginning of this year DH said ok we can have another. I was so glad! Decided to wait 4 months before we tried because I started a new job. Found out the 10th of July nr 3 was on the way. I was so happy but also a bit worried about finances. Went for 1st scan on the 24th. Couldn't find a heartbeat. Had to drink pills and go to theatre on the 26th for an evacuation. Very sad! But we started to TTC already. i think you should take your time to get over everything and let yourself and DH cool down. Go to a therapist-someone that is neutral that you both can talk to about the situation. Where you can explain calmely to your DH your feelings about the baby you so much want so that he can understand where you're coming from. Don't just leave him. He is grieving too. I'm just telling my story and giving advice. I know maybe it doesn't help but I feel every little tiny bit of something people write to me on here helps in some kind of way. If not anything helped of this, I pray for you and your DH and DC to get through this and for strenght. Will be checking in again. Lots of love to you.

Joberg - So sorry for what you're going through. I have 1 DS and I just lost a baby last week and had to have an ERPC this morning. We had always wanted 3 kids but I had a v difficult pregnancy and a pretty awful birth with DS and tbh I was in two minds about whether we should even have a second DC. We decided to start trying again in March this year and I got preg in June. I was really sick with HG (again!) and then I lost the baby. The last month has all been throwing up, exhaustion, bleeding and now recovering from ERPC and it has been terrible in terms of my job, in being able to look after DS (who is only 23 months) etc.

After this, I don't know if I can bear to go through it again but I know my DH really would like a second DC. All I can say is that I would be very upset if he gave me an ultimatum or tried to get me to decide one way or another by the end of the week / month. It's obviously diff in your case since it's your body and you are the one who would ultimately have to go through another pregnancy rather than your DH but he's probably feeling stressed, upset and vulnerable right now too even though he's expressing his emotions by withdrawing and being stubborn.

I hope you're able to talk things through and reach a compromise - this is a v difficult time you are going through and hopefully you will be able to support and look after each other. Best of luck x

Thank you ladies for your supportive comments. We are not in uk, so financially draining and no immediate family around either, so this doesn't help.
I just returned from a week away with children (prearranged, hence the time limit), and have literally been home three hours and all the feelings of anger have returned. Am hiding in the bedroom.

I think that I am just going to have to let time do its thing.......

So sorry that everyone can relate, but it really does help to know you are all there and I am not alone. All my close friends here are either pregnant or have had babies this year, so don't really want to burden them. X