Mc a year ago - practical advice for work please

[philbee]

Hi all. I wasn't sure where to post this really, so apologies because it's among threads where people need a lot more support. I hope that's OK. I had a mc a year ago, beginning of July. We have one DD already. We've been trying since then and I've just not got pg, although it had happened quickly before. Tests are normal but they've referred me anyway and am waiting for a date. I was doing ok with it all for a while, just getting low about it every now and then.

At work there are lots of pg women, and men with pg wives. There are about five people out of twenty expecting babies at any one time and as soon as someone goes off on maternity leave someone else announces they're pg. There are lots of conversations about babies, labour, how quickly they got pg, everything. I'm usually ok while I'm actually talking to someone about it, but the round robin email updates and overheard conversations I find very upsetting.

I'm happy for them, but the last few weeks, since the anniversary of my mc has been approaching it has really been getting me down. I find myself sitting on the train to work and rehearsing what I'll say if anyone asks me if we're planning another one (someone did say, flippantly 'You're not pregnant, are you?' and I just said 'No.'), and if the conversations go on too long and I can overhear I have to go into the toilet and have a cry. I kind of dread going in now. I just don't know what to do really. I like my job and where I work, but it's just really getting to me. We are also having a stressful time with DH's work - he is waiting to hear if he's going to be made redundant, and DD is due to start school in September, so there are other things on my mind as well.

I just wondered if anyone had practical suggestions about what I could do. I think I will take in my headphones and listen to music - other people seem to do this. But any other ideas would be good. At the time of the mc I told my immediate colleagues, but they seem to think it's ancient history and still forward me photos of new babies that I just file away and don't look at. I don't think I can tell the rest of the team because so many of them are pg, it just seems selfish. What should I do? Long, sorry. Thanks for reading.

It's hard, isn't it. I'm in similar circumstances. I take headphones to work and it helps me to create a bit of space from the others (sometimes I don't even listen to music, I just sit wearing them...). The only other thing I can suggest is making time to get out of the office at lunchtime if you can. I often get swamped with work but really need to remind myself to schedule a break so I can get fresh air or go to the gym and I really notice the difference when I do.

Thank you oneday. I do go out at lunch but it's very busy round my work. Maybe I need to find a quieter place to go. I could try to go for a run too, that might be helpful. Did you tell anyone at work about it or not? I half thought about telling my boss, but it seems a bit like making too big a deal of it - there's nothing she can do.

Sorry for your loss, and your on going ttc difficulties. I think you should think about telling people what happened. The vast majority of people will be understanding. They were with me

I've had two miscarriages this year and I told my boss and the colleagues I'm closest to and they were lovely. It's been a couple of months since the second mc and they're just treating me normally but I think they'd be understanding if I needed a bit of time and space.

I haven't told the people who are pregnant because I'm less close to them but it has led to awkward moments, like when on a staff lunch I was directly asked by someone about to go on mat leave if I wanted to have another child and everyone else at the table knew I'd had a mc a month previously. I suppose I didn't tell everyone because I am quite a private person but as bonzo says I'm sure they'd be understanding too. My boss did ask at the time if I wanted him to tell people, which might have made things a bit easier, and I suppose that's still an option that could be considered. He also said that I could access the occupational health counselling service, which I wouldn't have thought of, though I haven't yet.

Thank you. I just feel a bit daft talking about it now as it was so long ago. And I think that the TTCing is a major stressor but it seems a very personal thing to tell people about as then they'll be expecting that I'll announce I'm pg at some point. It just all feels like pressure. If someone asks directly I tell them the situation often, although lately I've found that very difficult, but the conversation hasn't got to that point ever. I did tell my team at the time, but they either don't have kids so can't really imagine it I think. I did talk to someone in the team about it recently and she was sympathetic, but I think that people don't really know what to do or not do and nor would I really. And I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. I thought of telling my now boss, who doesn't know, just so she's aware and that I might need a bit of time out now and again. But then I'm basically telling her I want to get pg again, which I'm not sure about telling her, and it seems like I should be able to have five minutes here and there without having permission. I'm wondering if it's worth saying anything or whether she'll just be a bit puzzled about my telling her.

Sorry, also wanted to say how sorry I am for your losses. Two this year, oneday - I cannot imagine how that feels. Very very hard.

Thanks philbee, I'm sorry for your loss too. It is hard, especially when time moves on and people, I think, assume you're getting over it. Here's to better times ahead - take care.