Coping at work

[clmc]

Just need to get this off my chest as went to work for the first time since my mc this morning, wasn't ready and just feel I have made things 10 x worse. This is my 2nd known miscarriage and have possibly had more. This time it has taken 3 years so you was over the moon, started bleeding at 7 wks but had a scan and everything fine, saw pic and heartbeat. Unfortunately that was not the case a week later, hospital confirmed a mmc.
It has only been 2 weeks since my mc which is still early I know but I am a teacher, although have no class commitment, and with it being the last week of term really felt I needed to go back (also I only work 3 days so not many days to survive). Driving to work this morning my heart was telling me it was wrong but I carried on thinking I needed to be strong, having something else to focus on would do me good. Only my headteacher and 3 others know about the mc as I felt it is a private thing. Got to work though and the first person I spoke to had me burst into tears. Got control and hid in my office but didn't focus on anything. Those people who did ask me how I was giving the response 'better thankyou' didn't seem right so waffled. Couple of others asked me how I was and that they cared and again I welled up. It got to lunchtime and I had to pack up and come home. Feel exhausted.
Trouble is, now I am home I feel that I have made the whole thing worse. Am not due back in now until Wed so gives me a few more days but feel that maybe people should be told now so that I don't get the questions and it explains why I have been the way I have this morning or do I just go in, get the 3 days done and start afresh in Sept?
Would like to hear how other people have handled this or their experiences on returning to work.
xx

I'm sorry for your loss and hope you start to feel a bit better soon.

Could you call your headteacher and ask him/her to have a word with staff to not ask about your absence or to tell them you've had a personal tragedy and don't want to talk about it? I don't think it has to be spelled out to those you aren't close to. People have absences for personal reasons all the time and IMO people are entitled to keep certain things private.

I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you need to go back for your own sake, but without needing to have to talk to others about it.

So, what juneau said. See if the head will have a word. I'm also ok as long as people don't ask if I'm ok. I would prefer they knew that something was up but not to ask, without me having to explain that to them myself.

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I have also lost two.
I think juneau suggested is perhaps a good idea.
It sounds like you did really brilliantly today- you needed to go in, even though it must have been really, really hard. And you did it. And you coped even when it was very upsetting. Don't let your head tell you otherwise. You did well.
And you haven't made anything worse for next week. Its ok to be upset about something so upsetting. I'd go in next week too, do as much as you feel you can, come home when you've had enough, so there isn't this big thing of going back in hanging over you until september.
In answer to your question about how other people handle it at work afterwards, One of my MC was earlyish so no-one knew I was PG, I found it quite difficult at work I clearly wasn't my usual self. The other one i was five months when i lost the baby, had to be induced etc so everyone knew and that was grim. I mostly just changed the subject when people said anything but one two occasions i burst into tears and felt really bad about it, but in retrospect, why wouldn't i cry, its horrid to lose a baby.
I'm thinking of you.

Oh poor you. It's really grim at this stage, isn't it. I had to do exactly this a few years back (I'm a teacher as well), but in my case I'd asked the head to tell everybody. Which was good in a way, because I didn't get any nosy questions about what was wrong, but I still found myself welling up whenever anyone popped in to say they were sorry. The thing is, you'll probably be crying a lot whatever happens - it's just a horrible horrible stage of grief that needs to be gone through. I did find that I actually preferred people to say something and make me cry than not say anything at all, but maybe that's just me.

Miscarriage is a very private thing, but if you think you can cope, maybe it would be good to have it more widely known. I do think the fact that it's not really talked about openly can make it more difficult for women going through them. I certainly wouldn't have wanted to go round telling people myself, but knowing that everybody knew definitely helped me with going back to work. I also found other sources of support this way - my deputy head told me that she'd had one earlier that year and hadn't told anybody, so we both had a cry together which was actually really cathartic.

What an awful time for you, i am so sorry for your loss. I think juneau's suggestion is good. I understand how it is impossible to hold it together when people ask how you are when something so distressing has happened.

At work some time ago a colleague's father committed suicide. We were told by another colleague before he returned to work that he expressly did not want anyone to ask him how he was or to mention it at all and to treat him just like normal. And we all absolutely did that.

Thank you for your replies/advice and I am sorry for your losses.

This is such a difficult time and you can feel so isolated by the grief, being at home is my sanctuary and I know that there will be no pressure put on me. The emotional side is overwhelming and comes in such waves. I just felt completely out of control yesterday being back out in normal life.
I do think your right though januarysnowdrop that it probably should be discussed more openly as so many women have experienced mc and it would provide support.
Whyalwaysboris - I am sorry to hear you had a loss at 5 months, you are right, why wouldn't you cry about it. Thank you for the support over going in.

I think I attempted going back too soon really, will have to think over next week. jeneau you are probably right about speaking again to the head. Someone else said to me that you have to look after yourself and what is right for you and that is so true but pressure from real life is always in the background. Real life just can't stop. Thank you all again.