Finding it all too much

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Four years ago I had my last eptopic - twins, this was after four MC and a further ectopic. Since then my husband has left me with horrific debt, I have lost my home and my DD has dropped out of college ( predicted a student).
I feel like I have been fighting for the last eight years, first for my babies and then for my home, we lost everything, our dog and cats.
Today I feel I can no longer go on, I can't see what the future can hold and all I can think about is my babies that are not here. I feel they murdered the last two, I didn't want them removed but they threatened to section me.
I know there is nothing I can do but just needed to tell some one how I feel as there is no one in real life.

Hi, just wanted to say how sorry I am you're going through such a tough time
It must have been so traumatic losing so many babies ,having no support from your partner and then losing your house. I've had two miscarriages this year, the last one last month so the grief feels quite raw, but I can imagine life will never be the same and that the sense of loss is still there years later.
Don't feel your twins were murdered , if the pregnancy was ectopic there wouldn't have been an option and you could have died too if they hadn't operated, it's an unbearably awful situation, but nobody's fault. I can understand you wouldn't have wanted to let them go.
I'm trying to focus on my kids to help me cope, and you have your dd, so you're not alone . Even if she's dropped out of college, there are lots of courses or apprenticeships she could still do so she could still make a successful career for herself and she could always take up studies again later on if she wanted.
It sounds like a cliche, but there's always hope, don't despair.
If you haven't anyone to talk to in real life, there's always Mumsnet. If you feel down and want to talk if you phone the Samaratins there's always someone to listen, sometimes it can help getting things off your chest.
Thinking of you.

Thank you, I'm sorry to hear of your losses. I don't think it ever goes away- you just learn to live with it and that sharp hurt dulls to an ache that twinges occasionally.
My DD has been hugely supportive but I think we have both now crashed, now we finely have moved on. As everyone keeps telling me " onwards and upwards" I guess that is all I can do.

It's a terrible burden to have to carry with you. Again I have had two mcs in a year and am badly affected by it. Cannot imagine 4mcs and 2 ectopics- you poor thing. I am going for counselling this month- have you ever had any? You've been through so much, I just wondered if it could help you make sense of it all.

I'm really sorry for your losses. It's no bad thing to think about your babies- they were yours, they are gone, much wanted, of course you'll never forget them.

oh button what a terrible time for you. Ectopic pregnancies and mc are such a horrible experience on their own (I had mmc in nov, then EP in Feb and they have floored me). And then so much else on top for you, I really sympathise.

I saw a sign by a tree that someone had planted, it made me cry but I'll share it with you "if love could have saved you, you would have lived forever". I think about that when I think of the babies I lost, if there was anything I could have done to save them, I would have done it. But there was nothing I could do, the Ep would have killed me and left my DD without her mum.

Neither of us had the luxury of choice or any control over our pregnancy losses . I think for me that's one of the hardest things, that life can just take you and beat the crap out of you, you have no control over it.

Sorry this has made me cry typing it, it's probably not helping you at all! bird and irish both mentioned counselling or calling the samaritans, it would be a good thing to consider. It's not for everyone but counselling got me through the very darkest times of my life, it's good to have someone listen, even if they can't fix it. Another friend went swimming regularly, she said that really helped her. Find something relaxing and comforting for you. Hope you're feeling better today.