Dealing with mc - how to feel normal again?

[gothinrecovery]

Hi,

Not posted in this section before but didn't want to mope on some of the other threads.

After 4 years of TTC (with no reason for lack of success ever diagnosed) I had what may have been a very early miscarriage in October last year at age 42. I never tested but was about 4 days late and had extremely sore boobs and felt very odd. I then found out I was pregnant at the beginning of May but sadly miscarried at 7 weeks. I have felt absolutely wiped physically since and am having good days and bad days - some days I feel more or less okay but others I am struggling not to dwell on it all.

I have been to the hospital, who said that now I had managed to conceive naturally (probably twice as they said it did sound like a failed pg in Oct) my chances of doing so again were pretty good, but am struggling to believe it, given how long it took to get a BFP in the first place, not to mention my age (I turned 43 a couple of weeks ago). Just wondering how long it will take to feel normal again and/or positive about chances going forward - any advice or comments very welcome.

Thank you :)

So sorry you are going through this . I had 2 miscarriages between my dc's and found the boards on here a life line. No one seems to talk about it in real life or at least not the extent I wanted, but I was able to get all my feelings out here.
It is positive that you can get pregnant so focus on that.

I am really sorry for your loss and the pain that you are going through at the moment. I understand as I have recently had a miscarriage at 7 weeks after 3 years of TTC and again age not on my side. We had a scare the weekend before and went for a scan which showed a viable pregnancy and I even saw the heartbeat. 7 days later and I knew the pain I was experiencing was more than a scare this time and a further scan confirmed my fears. Like you, I feel wiped out and just numb now. Am hiding at home so as not to have to face people. A friend did turn up on the doorsep today who we had told to support me and she has also suffered miscarriage after a long time of TTC. with age not on her side. She now has a daughter and conceived again fairly quickly after the miscarriage which I have taken as a positive and as something to focus on.

The most important thing is to look after yourself and keep talking through these threads. I have found talking about it in 'real life' so much harder.
Claire
xx

Thank you for your messages and hugs to both of you, sorry for your losses. clmc it sounds as though we are in more or less the same boat, thinking about the positives seems to be the way forward and as you say trying to look after ourselves and focus on the future not what went wrong.

Some of my friends know in RL but have not been through it themselves so it's really helpful to talk through on here. I went back at work after a week which in hindsight may have been too soon but needed to try and keep the brain occupied.

gothin, so sorry to hear of your losses, it is a horrible,heartbreaking time.
I had a MC at 11weeks in March, got pregnant again after my first AF and lost that one at 6weeks. I was 44 in Feb so I'm older than you but we are continuing to ttc for now, I feel such a longing for a baby.
After my first miscarriage I had an AntiMullerian Hormone blood test to check ovarian reserve which came back as low but good for my age,I know it doesn't indicate if the eggs are good quality but at least it gives some indication if there's a realistic chance of conceiving again.
There are lots of positive stories of women in their 40s having successful pregnancies on the Fantastic 40s + thread on the conception page, it gives some hope!
It is hard thinking of trying again when you're still grieving for the babies you've lost, if I was younger I might wait a few months but I feel time isn't on my side.
Miscarriage is such a physically,mentally and emotionally draining experience.
Look after yourself x

Thanks irish, I had seen you post on the other thread, been dipping in and out of that too, you are right, it is all so draining. You look after yourself too and fingers crossed for all of us.

How are you doing today?
Is it getting any easier at work? I am due to go back on Monday and am already worrying about it although agree that you need to keep the mind busy. A problem is who to tell as well at work? We need support but without too many people knowing. Irishmammy, you are right, this is such a draining experience which seems to hit you in waves of emotion.

x

hi clmc, I found it quite difficult going back to work especially after my first miscarriage. It is difficult facing the real world again. I ended up having my sick leave extended by a few weeks till I felt I could cope a bit better but I think if I'd waited until I felt "back to normal" I'd never have gone back, sometimes you just have to throw yourself back into it.
Everyone at work knew I was pregnant from the start because of the nature of my job so of course they all knew I miscarried. Some people said nothing and just carried on as if nothing had happened, some were very sympathetic (which sometimes made me cry but at least I felt supported).
I didn't take much time off after my recent miscarriage, which was a lot earlier,I work part time and my hours are flexible so I only ended up taking a few sick days. Only my boss and practice manager know about the second one and most people now expect me to be over the first one so I'm just trying to carry on with things.
I think what your work colleagues are like could determine who you tell. Some people feel it's a private matter they don't want to share (my DH didn't tell everyone he worked with and didn't want to talk to them about it) but if you feel you would get support and understanding if people knew, you could talk about it. If you asked somebody to let people know before you went back it would mean you didn't have to tell people individually over and over again.
Good luck with whatever you decide x

Hi clmc, good luck with going back to work. I told my boss and a couple of other people I trusted but didn't want it widely known, so told everyone else I had had a medical problem which meant I didn't have to lie but also didn't have to give details.

Feeling a bit better today, hope you are all ok.

Irish sorry to hear of your loss, 2 mc so close together must be awful. How long did you take off work after your 1st mc? I'm currently in my 4th week off work. Due back on Tuesday but still don't feel ready.
Everyone in work knows about my mc as I was 20 weeks. I didn't tell anyone but close friends and a few family members about my pregnancy until I was 14 weeks as I thought I was over the danger stage then.

Hugs to everyone that finds themselves on these threads. Xx

Thank you for the advice. I have decided to delay returning to work for a few days and will see how I feel the middle of next week, I am a teacher and it is such a busy time of year with lots of pressure. My headteacher knows and the senior team I work with but other than that I have decided to keep it quiet especially as the hols are near, thankfully. A good idea to say medical problems rather than illness.
Zacsmum, very sorry to hear of your loss. It must be so much harder with everyone knowing. Make sure you look after yourself. I also read on another thread that if you return to work and then have to take more time off it is not regarded as pregnancy related but as sickness, not sure if that makes a difference to you.
You're replies have been a real support, thank you. xx

Hi gothinrecovery saw this and just had to talk to you.

I found that focus was my only way of getting through. I made my mind up to eat healthy, lose some weight and buy new clothes. I kinda did this will all of my mcs. (ive had 7 now)
I logged onto myfitnesspal and that was a daily focus for me with this little plan i had in my head.
I never ever spoke to any one and never gave it any time. I got back to work, back to normal very quickly and never dwelled.

I currently have a thread running entitled "holy mother of crap". its on the miscarriage board.
Have a read and have some hope.... i had no hope, had begun councelling and had been to the GP and got the pill. It was the end of the road for me....anyway, just have a read of my story.
I hope that you like it and that it gives you some hope xxxxxx

Hi everyone

clmc,
I can see why you wouldn't want to tell everyone at work if you're a teacher, I'd imagine it would be difficult if the pupils knew too. At least the summer holidays aren't far off.

zacsmummy,
it must have been so traumatic and distressing miscarrying at 20 weeks, my heart goes out to you. You asked how long I took off after my first miscarriage. Because I was bleeding quite heavily and had lost the baby already when I went to the EPU I was advised to have expectant management but it was quite prolonged. I had to go back for repeated scans as there were still retained products .They didn't want to intervene so it was 4 weeks before it was complete.I still didn't feel I could cope with work and deal with clients professionally so I went to my GP who signed me off for another week after that.
I think there's no right or wrong length of time to have off, it depends on how you're feeling and probably what your job entails also.
I know someone who lost her baby at 20 weeks,was off for 6 weeks,went back to work for a few weeks but felt it was actually too soon and ended up going off again.
On the other hand, as nosleep says ,work can stop you dwelling on things and it can help to get back into some sort of normal routine .

nosleep, I have read your thread, it's such an inspiring story it doe give hope and shows you should never give up. I wish you all the best!
x

Irish thanks for advice, I still am not sure if I will be ready to go back next week. A colleague visited me last night and told me our job has totally changed at the moment. My job isn't very stressful most of the time so prob take my mind off things but we are having to offer cover to our company contact centre at present as its our busiest time of year and although I know my job inside out its gonna be a huge change when I go back and don't want to be worried about that too. And the thought of dealing with customers ranting at me all day long on the telephone doesn't sound appealing right now. My normal job is in the background where I don't deal with the public. I'm also in the process of moving house, its so stressful right now argh. Its just all happening at once.
clmc thanks for advice re sick leave. I'm not sure where I stand on that, right now all sick leave is covered as pregnancy related but not sure if it wil be the same I go back and decide I need further time off later.
nosleep I have read your other thread and my heart goes out to you, your so brave to go thru all that you have. So sorry to hear you have been through this so many times. your such an inspiration, makes me feel like I need to pull myself together. Think I really gonna try and follow your footsteps and start getting myself in shape and get something else to focus on. May even be brave enough to get myself back to work next week.
This forum has been such a help for me. Thanks for all your advice and support. Its much appreciated.
Laura xx

Hi nosleep, I read your post yesterday and wish you all the best, it's great! It does show that there is hope. I just hope I can manage to get pregnant again, that is a real worry for me given it took 4 years to get a BFP. Am thinking about lifestyle stuff that I might try and do to help things along, I have a high pressure job which doesn't help in terms of stress levels. DH is convinced I may have had more than one chem pg over the last couple of years when I never tested, but I will drive myself mad if I start going down that route although I am pretty sure about the one last Oct.

Hugs to everyone,

x

gothinrecovery i do empathise. It normally takes me up to 2 years to get a bfp between mcs. My job is very high pressured and stressful too.
My job has always been an excellent distraction for me tbh, but now that i am having to take a huge step back, take things easy and minimise the stress, i have found this time, that this isnt really requiring much effort.

I always concieved while losing weight, eating healthy and increasing my excersize.
I am still in shock. Like i said, i had absolutely no hope at all. I am still not convinced that this will go any further. I cannot see me going on to have a live baby. But its been so lovely just getting to today.