How to support friend after her 38wk pg loss...

[blackcurrants]

My dear friend used to live 2 streets from me and moved to the middle east for her DH's work. The DH is my DS's godfather. They're wonderful people.

They lost their little girl at 37/38 weeks pregnant - I heard the news last week, she was going into hospital for the delivery that day.

I of course emailed them the 'anything I can do, please call' response, and I have written a proper letter since then. I just wish I could do more, as sitting on the bus sobbing for her isn't really helping her much, is it?

I experienced a miscarriage at 6 weeks but have no concept of what might be the right kind of help for this. Also I am 15 weeks pregnant and perhaps she doesn't want much contact from me just at the moment? After all, I've already got DS and this would have been her first child. It's all just so unfair... and I don't want to do the wrong thing but I wish there was a way of sending my support that didn't feel crappy and trite.

if anyone has any thoughts I'd be glad to read them. Thank you.

I've only had a loss at 18 weeks, so I'm no expert but I'll tell you what helped me. I really appreciated people being in contact even when I didn't want to reply. It was so good to know that people were thinking of me. We also appreciated meals but if she is in the Middle East, that's obviously not an option. I love looking through all the nice cards and emails now. Makes me cry but it makes me so glad that my DD's life was recognised. Refer to him or her by name. One of the cards I appreciate the most said about how they would also remember our daughter and always think of us as a family of four (we have a DS already). Sorry, lots of waffle and thinking off the top of my head!

I just lost DS2 at 36 weeks a little over 2 mnths ago... Speaking from my experience, I was touched by everyone's support, especially from my oldest friends. It took me a week or two before I wanted to talk to any of them about what happened though. Many of my friends sent flowers, which was lovely. But the best things were some friends who made a donation ro SANDS in my son's name, and a friend who sent me a ki d of survival parcel with lots of nice things in to make me feel better - English magazine (I live abroad), new PJs, biscuits, and a lovely card that she'd written to me and DH. I've since really valued talking to these friends about what has happened and how I'm feeling.

However, and please don't be offended by this, your friend may want to avoid you for a while because of your pregnancy. A couple of friends (including my closest friend in the country I live in) have announced their pregnancies to me since I lost DS2 and I'm finding it vey hard to deal with. The only way I can describe it is that I wNt e rest of the wolrd to stop while I catch up and get to where I should be, i.e have my baby...

So, in short, I think just offer your support, maybe send a card or a letter or even flowers, but just wait for her to fidn the strength to speak to you. It may take a while. I'm a pretty strong person and this has knocked me for six. I've been speaking to others who have been through something similar and it's taken them months to be able to talk about their losses.

thank you both - and I do completely understand, amy - my sister had a baby shortly after I miscarried (no-one knew I was even pg) and it was really, really hard to deal with. So I sort of want to show her that I love her (and above all not let her feel abandoned/alone by my silence) but not shove myself at her, if you see what I mean.

This is helpful, thank you. And I'm extremely sorry for your losses.

Hi, was going to start a thread like this, but this has been very helpful. My friend has just lost her baby at 20 weeks. We were both pregnant through IVF (I am 24 weeks). I am at a loss what to say or do for her, but these are lovely ideas, thank you.

I lost my baby earlier this year at 37 weeks. I think it is best to keep writing or emailing every so often, just short "how are you emails. Obviously do not mention your pregnancy or children.
A friend who had just had a baby four months before, has been wonderful and called every two weeks, and never mentioned their child. But this was my husband calling him, I do not think I could have talked to his wife who is also his friend. So I would leave it to email/writing. I know its awful but I hated seeing pregnant women or women with babies.

I found nice letters and card brought me a lot of confort, but for some reason flowers infuritated me (I think it was because they were so beautiful I felt like they were a nice gift, and made the house look beautiful). The thing is I would have sent flowers myself, and I now it was people trying to do somethign kind.