Seven years ago today

[habbibu]

We walked out of hospital, having said goodbye to our first baby. She had been diagnosed with anencephaly, and I gave birth to her at 3.33am. She was 21 weeks. It was a hard and sad day, after a devastating week of endless tears, and we went home in pieces. Part way through the day I asked the midwife if she thought I'd ever have a baby to take home, and she said yes.

I wish that back then I could have seen some pictures of my life now. My dd2 is 5, just about to finish P1, and I took her wee brother (2) to see her school sports day on Tuesday. He's asleep next to me as I type, and my lovely DH is working in the next room. We've had our dd1 day out, and bought her this year's plant - marguerites - 1 for dd1, one for dd2 and 1 for ds, and we'll go out for tea this evening.

I've cried for her this week, and I miss her, and wonder what she'd look like - the other two have my grey blue eyes, and I wonder if she'd have had green eyes like dh, and have been tall like dd, or a wee scrap like ds. But we are all ok, and at peace.

I'm posting this in the hope that for some of you in the thick of all the fresh pain, or facing an early anniversary, or ttc or pregnant again and terrified, this might provide a little comfort. I thought for a while I'd always wake up crying, I'd never lose that terrible ache, but I'm fine, and happy, and although I'll always have moments of weeping over her, I'm glad for them now, and they form part of the fabric of my life.

[hazeyjane]

Habbibu, what a beautiful post.

I often think of you and your dc's, so it is lovely to read your post, despite the devastating reasons behind it.

Lots of love to you and your lovely family. x

[habbibu]

Hey, hazey! Thank you. I've actually had a nice week, and have thought of posting this a few times over this week - when i went outside to find the kids naked in the garden, "washing" their clothes in a filthy bucket and spreading them out in the sunshine to dry; when ds says "mama, before i eat my dinner, can I give you a kiss?" and reading dd's first ever school report.

It's hard to believe life is so good now - you know as well as anyone how crap being in the thick of it is, and I know I held on to good news stories like a lifeboat at the time, so I hope it helps someone else.

Hope you're all doing ok. How is ds?

[birdofthenorth]

OP your post made me cry! I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter. It is lovely though that you took the time to give hope and encouragement to others in the throws of pregnancy loss.

[Posey]

What a lovely post. Thank you for sharing and helping.

[Morebounceperounce]

Thank you habbibu for sharing your story and offering hope to those struggling with loss. Enjoy your lovely children and i wish you every happiness.

[hazeyjane]

ds is gorgeous, he is 2 in 2 weeks, he has just taken a few steps and is doing pretty well, we are awaiting genetics tests to see if there is a reason for his delays, and muscle problems. But compared to where we were this time last year life is rosy.

A few weeks ago we went for a picnic in the spot where dh and I went on the last day of post mp treatment. It is a special place because it as there that we decided to get married, as a way of making the year about something other than chemotherapy and blood tests and pisjoegs (!) Sitting there with the girls running around and ds smearing icecream all over his face, we thought we could almost catch a glimpse of ourselves sat there 9 years ago, wondering if we would ever have children.

I love the image of your naked children doing the washing in the garden!

[greengoose]

Thankyou. You obviously know exactly how much what you have said means. Hope is everything and you have made me smile through my tears. My little girl would have been 10 weeks old today. It's really hard isn't it?

[habbibu]

It is utterly, utterly horrible, greengoose, and when I look back I feel so sorry for us, iyswim? we were so sad and heartbroken. I am so sorry for your loss, and there isn't much anyone can say to make this time easier - tbh, I think you don't always want to let go of the pain at the start because it's like denying that your baby mattered, and you get so scared about it ever not mattering, if that makes sense.

But I think that you eventually realise that she will never not matter, that she has her place in your family and your heart and that it becomes ok for it to not be all-encompassing any more. That takes time, and the kind of time where you wish someone could fast-forward you while you sleep.

Be gentle with yourself, and hang on in there.

[habbibu]

I love these rituals, hazey, and I wanted to make dd's birthday something that we could kind of look forward to, and a treat for the dcs - much like your picnic.

Hope ds continues to progress. But not in the eating ice-cream neatly stakes!

[iloveberries]

a timely post.
thank you :)

[LackaDAISYcal]

A lovely post habbibu :)

I have lost three babies and often stop and think about the whys and what ifs. I look at my three DC and the 5 year gap between DS1 and DD and wish it had been filled. And my first DC would have been 18 this year, that just seems mad.

I suppose I was fortunate that my losses were all pre 14 weeks; I can only imagine how terrible to lose an older pregnancy, a newborn or an older child.

It sounds like you have had a lovely time of rememberance :)

[CouldYouPleaseCallMeCordelia]

Another one who cried at your post. What a beautiful way with words. You seem to have such a healthy outlook. Lovely, lovely way to remember.

[Napsalot]

Really lovely post Habbibu