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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Care package - what should I include?

11 replies

bananacrepe · 18/06/2012 09:28

A very dear friend of mine has just miscarried. It was to be her first child. Naturally she is devastated and I'd be over there like a shot but she lives four hours away. She's not on her own - her DH is being fab and ate has other friends around - but I want her to know I'm thinking of her so I wanted to send her something. I thought maybe chocolate, bath stuff, a good book... Is there anything else? I wasn't sure whether to call as I don't know if she'll want to talk about it so I thought this way she knows I care and if she wants to talk she can call me. Any suggestions...?

OP posts:
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lifeisfuckinggreat · 18/06/2012 09:40

I got flowers and it made me feel very loved. A card is also lovely.

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BettyandDon · 18/06/2012 09:43

She will be grieving as its a bereavement so I wouldn't do bath salts or chocolates that's too much like someones birthday. I would do flowers or a plant and a card.

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kalidasa · 18/06/2012 10:11

I would call her. She can always not answer if she doesn't want to talk. But someone calling to see how you are is different from someone saying 'call if you want to', however much they mean it. I had two v. early miscarriages in consecutive months at the beginning of this year and even though they weren't (medically) a very big deal I really appreciated the friend who responded to my email with a phone call the day I was stuck at home dealing with the bleeding on my own.

Flowers are also lovely but to be honest I think regular contact is the thing that means the most.

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iloveberries · 18/06/2012 12:26

I got lots of flowers when i had an ectopic pregnancy and it really upset me as flowers are what you get when you have a baby, not when you lose one.

I also hated watching them die and then having to throw them away. it felt too symbolic.

Agree with kalidasa that you should call her. Only one of my friends did this and i really appreciated it. I got a couple of cards and homemade biscuits which was nice too. I think a 'hamper' type thing would be too much. If I were you I would call her then follow up with a simple card.

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bananacrepe · 18/06/2012 12:51

Thank you all for your suggestions. I have sent her flowers - I did it before I saw iloveberries's post...so hope it's okay. I will definitely make sure I call her. I will perhaps leave it a few days as I know she has her mum staying at the moment so thought I'd do it after her mum has gone home... I know her mum has to go back and I don't want her to feel lonely afterwards.

OP posts:
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Irishmammybread · 18/06/2012 21:20

I personally appreciated receiving flowers, also cards. I have kept all the cards and notes I received at the time.
A lot of people dont want to talk about the miscarriage and think it will be upsetting, but for me, I was upset anyway, talking if anything made me feel better rather than worse,even if I struggled to make any sense through the tears!
Nothing is going to make someone feel better when all they desperately want is their baby back but I did find just knowing people cared and were thinking of us was some consolation.
It's hard too when weeks/months pass and people think you should be over it, that's the time when you appreciate ongoing concern from caring friends.

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iloveberries · 18/06/2012 21:27

ditto with the ongoing concern comment.
the pain stays long after the flowers are dead and the chocolates are eaten
OP - your friend will appreciate the flowers. I really appreciated the thought that friends had done that.

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GwendolineMaryLacey · 18/06/2012 21:33

I would have appreciated anything tbh. My mum had told her vast family I was pg and then had to ring them to tell them I'd mc. They asked her about sending flowers but she advised against it just at that moment as I'd had a stay in hospital. She said better to send something when I got home and they said they would. Except no one did. Not flowers or a card or even a bloody text message. Nearly 18 months on no one except my mum and brother have ever mentioned it. Great way to let someone know you care Hmm

So in short, anything you do to let her know you're thinking of her will be much appreciated.

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tasmaniandevilchaser · 18/06/2012 21:54

you're a lovely friend. I would also make a note of when her due date would have been and let her know you're thinking of her around then as well. I really think that ongoing concern is the most important thing. She may not want to talk about it much in the next few months, but she won't have forgotten it and it's good to know that friends haven't forgotten it either and don't just expect you to be 'over it'.

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owlelf · 18/06/2012 22:01

When I miscarried I most appreciated people sending me cards or letters. The very nicest thing for me was the kindness of those who dared to ask "how are you?" and then listened to my patiently while I told them I was heartbroken.

I think your friend will appreciate the flowers. But a card or even better a phonecall may well be much appreciated.

It's only my opinion but I'm not sure a 'package' or hamper type thing is the best idea. It is lovely that you care enough to want to do this but for me it has associations of luxury, pampering etc. which doesn't feel appropriate.

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JessieEssex · 19/06/2012 14:14

I understand that you might think that she wouldn't want to talk, but as owlelf says, when I miscarried recently, the best 'gift' was a friend who said 'so, tell me what happened' and patiently listened as I told her everything.

Of course not everyone is the same, but don't underestimate the value of a friendly ear.

You sound like a lovely friend.

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