I had a mc and suddenly everyone is pregnant...help

[JessieEssex]

I had a mmc at 9 weeks about 6 weeks ago followed by an ERPC. I thought I had coped OK but some days I still feel really really miserable. I was so busy around the time that I don't think I ever sat down and 'processed' what had happened to me.

One of my NCT friends (I have a DD) is pregnant and due on my exact due date, and since my MC, two more from the group have announced their pregnancies.

I really am pleased for them all, and they're dear friends, but a really deep dark part of me is furious. I can't even believe I'm writing this, and I would NEVER say this irl but I feel like it was 'my turn' and they've taken it from me. I feel like they've done it to spite me. Of course I know that this is rubbish and I'm disgusted with myself for even entertaining these thoughts.

We will try and ttc soon and I hope that if I get pg all will be OK, but at the moment I can't bear the thought of becoming this bitter old cow sneering at all the pregnant women, and being eaten up by awful thoughts.

Help...

Sorry for your loss.

It's so so hard, isn't it :( I had a MC a few months ago and at the same time a close friend and SIL announced they were pregnant, both with due dates very close to mine. Very very difficult, very upsetting. It's only been 6 weeks - give yourself some time. I had underestimated how much the MC had affected me and went back to work too early and ended up very depressed.

Do your friends know that you MCd?

Thanks for replying Jareth - to be honest I feel a bit better for writing it down - I haven't even said it out loud before.

My NCT friends all knew about my MC, but I think at the time I was all 'stiff upper lip' and telling them I was OK, everything happens for a reason blah blah. With hindsight, it just hadn't sunk in yet, and now it's too late to say 'actually, I'm really hurting' :(

No problem, PM me if you want to talk more.

I can't emphasise enough though that you need to give yourself time to get over it. A lot of people (me included before I had one) realise just how upsetting and traumatic a MC can be. Don't feel like you can't talk about it with your friends either - in all likelyhood some of them will have MCd themselves and will know how you feel.

Same here. Two mcs, one at 12 weeks in November, one at 9 weeks in May. That pregnancy would have been 13 weeks now ans for the past week several friends who've obviously past the 12 week scan with flying colours have announced their pregnancies, healthy scan pics and all. I am not feeling anger or even necessarily injutice (like you OP I had a lovely DD already) but it certainly makes the pain more accute. I haven't yet brought myself to reply to a friend who texted her scan pic 9due date the day before mine would have been) at the weekend. I know I must, but...

I know how it feels to say "yes, I'm fine" to anyone who knows when secretly thinking "some days I'm fine, other days I can't get much done because it still really hurts", which it's tough to say because what on eart can people say in response? But I have started to me more honest now, and have sobbed down the phone to my best friend and my mum, which helps. My best friend is TTC herself again though and I imagine if she does get pregant soon fear of telling me about it will dampen her joy a bit. At least I am braced for that one, and she will be sensitive (in fact she will probably torture herself over telling me, poor thing).

Big hug, OP.

Sorry for typos -on my phone

Thanks bird. I just read your other thread and really sympathise. Poor you. Poor us! And thanks Jareth - I definitely underestimated the impact it would have.

I'm so mixed up because the last thing I want is to dampen anyone's pregnancy joy (as you say bird) but I also want to scream 'how dare you?'. What's that all about?!

My DH is wonderful but also very pragmatic and of the opinion that we are lucky to have one child and we will (eventually) have another and that we can't dwell on what went wrong. I feel like I can't just have a random wobble in front of him - although I did a few weeks ago and he was amazing. But I feel that the issue is now 'closed' and we are officially 'moving on'. :(

Your not the only one and I completly understand how you feel as much as your happy for them its just breaks your heart and reminds you what you have lost! My MC was 5 weeks ago now and Iam really struggling to keep it together esp as my SIL announced her pregnancy 2 weeks after I Mc and then proceeded to say she was having the name we had told her we were having as we didnt need it now! She has now (last night) decided a baby isnt right for her life at the mo and has gone to the doctors today to organise a termination- the thought that someone can killl a baby when my heart breaks every second of every day because mine died is too much!
My DH sounds the same is supportive but accepts its part of life and its time to move on - god dont I wish it was that easy! I feel like a failure and he dont get that (Ihave an imcompetant cervix) and says we can TTC straight away but in my hert that feels like trying to replace my baby and I need to grieve first

Hi Jessie. So sorry you're going through this too.

I feel very similar to you at the moment. I had a mmc in March when I should have been 9 weeks. I also have a DD but before her had a mmc at the 12 week scan. I dealt with the most recent mc really well (maybe too well?) and felt quite detached from it all, just got on with everything and tried to be positive. I think because of my 1st mc I tried not to get attached to the pregnancy which probably helped me deal with the mc.

However recently I've started to feel really upset about it again but like you dont feel I can really raise it with everyone who I'd previously told I was fine. It doesn't help that everyone around me seems to be pregnant or having babies and I feel panicked that I'm missing the boat. I suddenly really want to get pregnant again but my cycle seems to have gone a bit mental so it's not looking likely.

Not sure if this post helps you - realise I'm just rambling. But wanted you to know you're not alone and that this grieving does seem to creep up on you. I found with my 1st mc that the only time I felt truly healed was once I had my DD in my arms....

I also found these boards really helpful altho haven't posted for a while but think I might start again as it is quite lonely having a mc in RL!! Xx

zoey and tea thanks so much for your words. I'm so sorry that you're also going through this, it's really really crap isn't it?!

You're right tea - it's quite a lonely process - I feel like I should have got over it by now but it's on my mind more than ever.

MN is so great - you can't wander the streets saying 'has this happened to anyone?', but here, just a simple 'help me' is all you need to say...

It's hard isn't it . I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.
3 of my postnatal group announced pregnancies shorttly after I had a m/c after DC1. It had me in tears for days. Especially the thoughtless comment by the one of them who knew about my m/c about "good things coming in threes". I agree it's lonely, and I remember each new pregnancy announcement feeling like a slap in the face. That didn't stop me also feeling happy for them either.

I found it took me a good 3 months to get back on track emotionally, so like the others say, give yourself some time.

Jessie I so agree about MN! It's really nice to find others going through similar horrible experiences as I feel like everyone else just manages to get pregnant and have a baby without all this drama! I hate feeling miserable about the mc as don't want to waste the time I have with DD moping but sometimes its so hard not to obsess think about it all the time...

Hi Jessie, I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. It's been almost a year exactly since my mc. In my case, my good friend announced she wasn't just pregnant but pregnant with twins a few weeks after I had my mc! I was happy for her but the whole thing felt terribly unfair.
As for feeling like you should be over it, I still get these gusts of sorrow for the little girl who didn't get the chance to live. Take your time.

Thanks all for your kind words, and again, I'm sorry that you are all going through this as well. I definitely need to give myself a bit more time to deal with it all, but just writing it all down yesterday helped immensely.

Hi Jessie, I am also sorry for your loss! It feels so lonely although you may have company in DH/DP! I have come to the understanding they just don't get it!!! And they do feel like ohhh it's been weeks now haven't you dealt with it, but we women are emotional, and hormonal and with it being our bodies deal with " was it my thought "
I had a MMC last year June my baby would of been born in December!
Discovered at my 13 weeks scan!!! The shock was huge!!
Also had 6 close friends all pregnant!!!! Then in April I discovered an ectopic and had to have a op to remove tube!!! I'm still off work as have pregnant women at work I just can't face!!!!!
It's very hard, and I'm finding some days are better then others!
I can't stand seeing the stupid clearblue ad!!!! But you have to give your self time to heal!!! I day at a time!!!!! Dealing and healing!!!!
Take care all of you x