MC finally smacked me in the face

[zoeymlucas]

I had a MC 5 weeks ago today and seemed to be dealing with the situation well, I had tears and my little moments but accepted its part of life and everything happens for a reason and was even back to work the next day.

Then on Friday my period come and it finally hit me that my baby was gone and suddenly it was as if everything was gone and my body had 'moved on' when in realitly I hadnt. My period was awful and even worse than the MC with the blood loss and I sort of felt my body was having a good clear out and getting rid of any trace of my baby.

I just dont know what to do right now I just want to curl up in a ball and forget the world, my DH does not get why I am suddenly upset again and thinks 'I had grieved', when all I had done was block it out and keep going. It got to the point saturday I was trying to fix a hose and DH asked how I was doing and I screamed I couldnt do anything right and I wasnt good enough for him and spent the next 4 hours locked in the toilet rolled in a ball crying!

Just not sure where I go from here - feeling desperatly alone and that I have no one to talk to esp as SIL has just told everyone she is pregnant and then dumped her boyfriend a week later. Everyone is running round to suppport her and help her so I dont want to appear that I am trying to take attention from her, but I am breaking inside.

I'm really sorry for your miscarriage. I don't really have any advice just didn't want to leave you unanswered. Just that I think it's perfectly normal to still feel grief after some time and I can imagine a period being one of those triggers.

I had a missed miscarriage discovered last Saturday (2nd) and had erpc Friday. We're ttc ASAP but I can imagine if we don't I will feel like you when my period comes.

I understand what you mean about not wanting to take attention from sil but I'm sure your family would understand how hard it is for you. Did they know about it? I would definitely suggest talking - it's helped me a lot so far

Take care of yourself and rant on here if it helps x

So sorry you are feeling this way and can relate to what you say about feeling desperately alone. My partner has been wonderful through my mcs, but fundamentally what happened relates to your own body - many friends who have had mcs have said they felt very lonely even with good support at home.

What helped for me was being quite open with people about what had happened - so many had experienced the same thing and could relate to how I was feeling. It also helped with those insidious feeling that I was somehow to blame for what had happened.

Sending lots of supportive thoughts your way.

So sorry you are going through this atm :( I have recently had one myself last week, so I wish I could say it can get easier, but I don't know yet :(

What I can say though, is mc must be like any grief or loss. It can take a very long time to come to terms with it. There's no set period of time, so if you felt okay to begin with, and now you're falling apart - that's totally normal, that happens to a lost of people when they lose someone close to them.

So I guess a mc is like getting through any other kind of bereavement - there's no set time scale, or right or wrong way to deal with it. It's just going to take time. And the girls on here are amazing support if you ever need someone to talk to who understands what you are going through :) xx

Thanks for your support and I really dont know what I would of done without this site its been such a help :)
Today is a really bad day my SIL casually decided last night its not the right time for her to have a baby so has gone to the doctors today to arrange an abortion. I know its her choice and her life but to know my much loved and much wanted baby died and broke my heart and she can just get rid of her healthy baby as it dont suit her life right now to me seems disgusting and right now I cant even bear to be around her.
She just seems to want all the attention on her no matter what when she first told us she was expecting (2 weeks after my MC) she casually said if its a girl she was going to use the name we were having for a girl as we dont need it now - then played the victim when I called her insensitive and had a go at her!
Now the baby she was thinking of names etc for does not suit her as she has finished with her DP so is casually having a termination while Iam left broken hearted and grieving for the baby I so wanted and am expecting to support her no matter what when right now I just cant I want to lock myself away from the world and hide as I jsut cant face it

Zoey huge hug and support from me. Not the same I know so I cannot claim I know how you feel, but my boy was born prematurely last month and passed away 12 days later. Some days I find I am coping fine, then something will happen and I am really really not. It is hard to deal with and impossible to predict, but I think this is a normal part of grief. You have suffered a loss, everyone is different and there is no set or "right" way to recover.

Hearing your SIL's news much have been so hard, I am so sorry. As you said it is of course totally her choice, but she has not been very kind to you about it and you have my sympathy.

Look after yourself x

I've been there sweetheart. The finality of that first period. Proof that the baby's gone. The grief that seems all gone then creeps up on you with a roar. DH just not getting it. Remind your DH that your hormones are all over the place, and that you are not just mourning the loss of your baby but of all the potential and plans you had. Speak to your gp about counselling. Or call the Samaritans. I did. Distance yourself from the sil. Her choices are not yours, but your lives are different.

Time is a great healer. 6 months on I'm much better. Getting a bit tearful as my due date looms. I'm now 10+4, and being pg again before my edd was important, and helps. Though obviously its a worry too.

Take care.

I am so sorry to hear of your loss Mechavivzilla and to of been so soon and your offering support to me means a lot - I have had 2 prem babies one 28 weeks and one 33 weeks but was lucky that both made it so Icant begin to imagine how your feeling x
Thanks bonzo it sort of helps to know that I am not the only one who felt this and other people have felt same when there first period arrived. Good luck on your current pregnancy and Ihave everything crossed for you. I cant even think about my due date as it Christmas day- at the time it seemed an amazing due date and now it feels like the worse day ever to be due! But right now one step at a time.
Does being pregnant again help you move forward and focus on the next step? Iwant another baby and want to be pregnant but Idont want to feel I am trying tp replace something if that makes sense.

Hi Zoeym
Sorry for your loss. I am going through the same and just feel totally overwhelmed at times but fine at others.
I have spent the weekend in hospital for medical management and management not to shed a tear (well only at night by myself), thought I was doing well as the scan revealed the fetal pole had reabsorbed so thought...well i'm not losing a baby just a sac.
Coped really well all day Monday, sending DH to work and even to the pub as I thought he needed to have some space.
Then my ds who was asleep started talking in his sleep and it was as if I walked into my grief, all consuming. I called dh and couldn't talk just sob. Spent the night sobbing, shouting at dh for leaving me (even though I told him to go), not sleeping until very late.
I am fortunate I attend therapy so I have someone to talk to but if I didn't I don't know how I would cope.
I would distance yourself from SIL, don't waste your time or head space on her if she doesn't sound like she is of you.
Take care x

zoey just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you. Hope you are keeping well x

MC is like that, it can hit you full on when you least expect it, often with a trigger event. For me, it was my friend announcing she was pregnant and would have had her baby a month before me so our children would have been very close in age. It set me off howling at the time, I remember.

Just let yourself grieve and do something to remember your loss, maybe plant a flower? Don't feel you have to block it out and move it on. Just take whatever time you need.

Also being pregnant again and having my son definitely helped me to move forward and focus on the future BUT it's important to say that I didn't obsess over getting pregnant again either. My husband and I agreed that we would just relax about TTC and not worry and plan about the outcome anymore. We got pregnant 4 months after the MC.

Thank you me and hubby have agreed we are not trying but are not not trying if that makes sense - my body will decide when its ready and I know I will have an awful pregnancy and be in and out of hospital so I am not putting more pressure on myself to be pregnant straight away and get obsessed with it.
My hubby thinks I am struggling as I tend to bottle things up and let it get to me and pretend to the world I am fine - I cant show my weak side to people as i terrifies me but saying that one place I can be me and say what i really feel is on here and I cant honestly say without this site and you guys I would be destined for a breakdown (again). I had a major breakdown in 2010 after an operationa and a hospital memeber of staff sexually assualted me in theatre recovery and I held it together and blamed myself for allowing myself to be vurable and it took along time and a lot of counsiling to get back to being me, so Icant afford to let myself get in that dark place again x

oh zoey you poor thing :(

I don't know if it will help, but at least you can recognise this in yourself, and get help before you do reach the "dark place". I have been depressed myself, and it does help me to know that I am now able to use tools I have around me if I need them.

I hope your husband is supporting you. I know exactly what you mean by trying but not trying! I am waiting to have my gallbladder out next month, and we are actively NOT trying at the moment which feels really wrong. At the same time, too much pressure is probably not good!

Take care. Keep writing here if you need too. It is brilliant to have this one place where you won't be judged.

xx