I lost my 5th baby yesterday at 9wks & 5days on my wedding anniversary.
I have always thought how lucky I am to have had 4 straight forward pregnancies with easy natural births that gave me my 4 perfect children. Having never had a miscarriage I could only ever imagine what it felt like for 2 of my close friends to lose their babies.
On the 30th April I found out that I was expecting for the 5th time. Rather than being all smiles and excited about it, I was filled with shock and negatives feelings. How was I going to cope with 5 children who would be under the age of 8 & what would work say, as I had only started a new job 2 weeks previous. I phoned my DH in hysterics and automatically said I didn't want it. I called my Dr & enquired about termination. He was very anti it and made me feel bad for even considering it (well that's it sounded to me). After thinking about it for a few hours and really thinking if I could actually go through with it, I listened to my heart and realised there was no way I could go through with it.
By the time I woke up the next morning DH & I were ready to embrace the fact our family was growing again and kept laughing and joking about it. That weekend my brother got married & most of the family guessed, due to my tummy popping out straight away making me look 4 mths rather than 5wks. Over the next week or so we told the children, as they kept telling me my tummy was getting big again. Nausea kicked in & I started to eat my weight in food. Everything felt normal.
I had my booking in appointment with my lovely mw on Thursday and spoke of my fears & then joy at having another.
Saturday came and I was busy watching the plans I had made for our town's carnival fall into place. It was a lovely dry day & things were good. At about 7pm I went to the loo and noticed some brown spotting. I'd had this once or twice a week or so previous but on this say I put it down to being on my feet all day & sent myself home to rest. I was ordered by my DH & committee members to stay at home on Sunday & rest (something I'm not good at). I was having mild cramps during the afternoon & by 6pm I had red blood when I wiped. I decided to call the labour ward to ask their advice but was told that they only deal with ladies after 16wks.. All I could was call the out of hours GP. He was lovely but told me to prepare for a mc.
By 10.30 I was bleeding heavier & passed a clot. I went to bed certain that I was miscarrying & was then woken at 3.50am with the urgent need to go to the loo. For the next 7hrs I bled heavily & passed very large clots, so got DH to take me to hospital. The A&E dept staff were fab, within minutes of being there I was seen by triage & then taken straight through to a little room. After a few hours I was scanned and told that I had a large bleed at the top of my uterus but that the pregnancy was still there although they couldn't see a heartbeat, but that could be due to not having the correct scanning machine. I was sent home with an appt at the EPU for Wednesday (today).
The bleeding slowed & clots stopped but I knew deep down that it was all over & that it was now a waiting game. Yesterday was my 8th Wedding Anniversay. We spent the day at home with the kids & I spent it on the sofa. DH took 1,2&3 out to a soft play place to run off steam whilst I put 4 down for a nap. Whilst he was out I lost our baby. It just fell out when I stood up. I held the sac in my hands for a few seconds. I had a look to see if the baby had formed, but it hadn't, I think it had died a few weeks before. It took a while for the placenta to come but it did eventually.
I have had waves of sadness and tears and times where I can be very matter of fact about it. I feel guilt that I didn't want it and then wonder if this was my punishment for having those thoughts. We told the children that the baby went to heaven & that it is now a star. I just feel empty today.
I'm sorry this is so epic, but I just needed to write it down