Lost baby at 34 weeks..

[Fisharefriendsnotfood]

Ds's nursery have 3 fab girls in his room. One of the women found out at routine 34 week check that the baby had died

She had him this morning. Is a card appropriate? Gift? In pregnant at the moment and we used to talk about it all the time. I'm devastated for her and have no idea how to handle seeing her..

I think a card would be appreciated - not a gift.

I think a gift would be odd, a card with some kind words would be good. How awful for her.

I honestly don't know what to say I'm do sorry for your friend. The only advice I have is from a woman who lost her husband in terrible circumstances which is very different I know, but she said people avoiding her made it all the worse. Or avoiding the subject. I'm not sure on the gift, maybe a sorry for your loss card but I never think they can convey how truly sorry you feel for her

God that's awful. I agree card but probably not a gift. I would imagine she will be off for a while so you might not see her for some time yet? (presuming you only see/ chat to her through nursery?) Cannot imagine how this would feel and how I would people to react/ how I would react etc.. sorry don't have much useful advice.

Thanks. It's horrendous. Can't imagine what she is going through. I can get a card to her through the other staff.

Oh God, poor poor woman. I'm 34 weeks pregnant right now as well aso this sort of thing makes me feel so so sad for her. I can't imagine it. Agree that a card is a nice gesture and not ignoring what's happened.

Speaking as someone who went through this in Feb (lost DD1 at 32 weeks), I was really appreciative of cards. Got a lot of flowers too, which although well meant and very nice, just a reminder of what had happened because they all eventually died, IYSWIM? A card with a hand written message would be enough, because it will let you know you are thinking of her, without invading the "very personal" grief.

Speaking from my experience (which I really do appreciate may differ to other people), the hardest people to deal with were the ones who:

a) I didn't know very well, who couldn't think of anything to say, so came out with some stupid platitude like "how are you feeling?" - you can't say what you really feel (gutted and destroyed, how do you fucking think I'm feeling?), so you say "fine"... at which point they nod and the subject moves on the the weather...

b) The ones who ignored the subject totally - I've lost what I thought was a very good friend, because she's failed to even get in touch at all, not even via text or FB, let alone acknowledge what happened.

The best people, were the ones who said something along the lines of "I'm so sorry, I can't even begin to imagine how you are feeling." and then letting it drop, or the classic line from my DBrother (who I'm actually very close to, bless him) which was "fuck, that's a bit shit!" (not recommended in this situation, BTW! )

Don't avoid it, (which clearly you aren't, because you are lovely enough to send a card and be thinking of your friend), but don't push for any details either. By that, let her take the lead on what she wants to tell you. DH and I have only shared DD's name with a very few select friends, and all other "arrangements" like her funeral etc, have been kept strictly private, because that's our way of dealing with it.

how well do you know this person?

when i lost a baby a 20 weeks i would have hated the random people i know at work to even mention it to me.

friends and collagues i work with closely spoke to me about it and that was nice but i would have hated every tom dick and harry sending me something or trying to speak to me about it - unless they had been there.

a 20 week pg woman trying to give me a gift might have got a punch.

tread carefully with this one. i know you mean well but it might backfire for you.

It really depends how close a friend she is as this might seem strange coming from an acquaintance but there are all sorts of things you could give as a gift. When our daughter died at birth a friend gave me a lovely keepsake box to put things to remember our daughter by, a picture frame for her picture, a journal to write in and several books about loss. An exact replica of a figment of my imagination by Elizabeth McCracken was a good one as it made DH and I realise we weren't all alone in the inner turmoil we were feeling. It would be a bit strange to receive these things from anyone other than a good friend, however. Flowers and a card may be the most appropriate, in that event. You should mention the baby's name in the card, as in my opinion, this validates that the baby was here, loved and will be missed. I have friends to who this day have never said anything about our daughter's death and I'll never think of these people the same again.
I should say that given you are pregnant, and had shared pregnancy stories together, it may be too painful for your friend to see you or the new baby for a while as it may be too painful a reminder of what she should have. If that's the case, please understand it isn't anything you did, just that it is incredibly painful and it takes time to be able to function again. You never really do heal, there's always a hole in your heart, but eventually the pain dulls and isn't as heavy a cloud overhead. I really hope your friend has lots of love and support, and help with other children. Life will be very sore for quite some time.

I don't know her well enough to call her a friend, I know her to chat to about ds and pregnancy and babies, twice a day two days a week. Surely a card isn't too much? I'm very conscious of my (touchwood) healthy pregnancy and 2 dc which is why I'm asking for advice

In that case, send just a card. A gift (IMO, and it is just an opinion) would be OTT.

I had cards off people I barely knew. Unfortunately, the loss of our DD all got a bit public (quite literally) because of a number of factors and the fact we live in a very tight knit rural community and I was getting cards & flowers from people I didn't even know (but DH did). That was fine and actually, it was also quite nice, because at the end of the day, all it meant was that people were sorry we'd had a loss and they were thinking of us.

I think a card is a lovely idea.

Thanks everyone

And to those who have gone through this themselves my heart goes out to you, and thanks for taking the time to reply

Do send a card. We have recently lost a baby and in the first weeks I found peoples care and thoughts via cards really lovely. We didnt put them up as it felt weird but I plan to either keep them in the memory box or make a collage. Knowing people.are thinking of you helps.

I totally disagree (in the nicest way possible) with pebspop. If some "random" had ignored me, and not mentioned DD2 - then they would cease to exist to me, and I would pretend their DC do not exist. DD2 wasn't a 'pregnancy loss' - she was my child who died (I was 37 weeks when she was born though), and if people saw me - very heavily pregnant - but refused to acknowledge my grief, then I would blank them.

There are lots of children who are wandering around, who were born far earlier than 34 weeks, by that time she would probably have bought everything, and will still have to recover from her pregnancy, the knowledge that if her baby had been born early it would probably be here now, and coming home to an empty house, packing away the baby's nursery, coping with lochia, having her milk come in, arranging a funeral etc - absolutely awful, and for that loss to not be acknowledged, is (imho) as hurtful as another person can be.

I was shocked when I received condolence cards; I was still suffering from an EMCS that went wrong, physically and emotionally crap, and wanted to receive 'congrats' cards.

All the condolence cards are now in Tamsin's memory box, and they mean so much - they meant that she was acknowledged her place in my life validated and you can never underestimate the importance of that xx

The other thing is - take her lead about talking about her loss. I wanted (still want) to talk about Tamsin. I don't now, as other people try to change the subject and that is so hurtful. So let her know that she can talk, if she wants to.

I'd second a card. DS's nursery sent us a card when DD was born and I found that really touching.

Agree with what Tamisara says wholeheartedly.

I agree that friends and family should acknowledge the loss but here we are talking about a customer at work thinking of sending a gift or card to an employee of a nursery. I personally would have hated that as I didn't want to have to discuss a very personal delicate situation with an acquaintance.

I lost my daughter at 34 weeks over six years ago now. A card is lovely and it's all you really need.
Lots of people ignored me which was agony.