Post-mc questions for those who've been there please

[lurcherlover]

I found out at my dating scan this week (should have been 14 wks) that my baby had died at 9 weeks and I had had a mmc. Yesterday I had an ERPC. Thankfully I am not in pain and the bleeding doesn't seem too heavy. I still feel dazed and in shock really. I've been signed off work for a fortnight, which I'm grateful for to give me a bit of space to try and come to terms with everything. I have a few questions though if anyone can help.
1 how did you cope back at work? The problem I've got is most people knew I was pg - it was my second pregnancy and I showed very early, from about 8 weeks. I know people will be lovely, but I'm scared that them saying nice things will make me cry. How do o handle that first day back?
2 any tips for coping with inevitable milestones - am already dreading Nov 15 (my EDD) and Christmas, thinking that this would be my first one with two dcs.
3 how do I be happy for my pregnant friends? My best friend is pregnant with her first - her edd is two weeks before mine was. And my closest friend at work and I found out we were pg on the same day. I am genuinely happy for them - and I don't want it to be awkward, I want to be able to talk about their pregnancies and share their joy. Any advice on how I do it without going crazy inside?
4 and a practical one - when did you start ttc-ing again? Right now I am desperate to be pg with a healthy baby. The consultant advised to wait for one AF before trying, but I have read that women are oftenv fertile right after a mc and I don't want to miss this window. Will it still apply if I wait for an AF? Did anyone start trying sooner?
Thanks in advance for any thoughts or advice you can share.

It sounds churlish but time is a great healer. I was told to remember that your body had geared up for the whole 9 months so to not rush your recovery and be nice to yourself.
Re work I tend to email before I go back (have had 3) and say I feel better but can't talk about it without crying so can we not!
See how it goes re other pregnancies, some days will be harder than others, I found that once the babies are there it's fine however hard it is before.
Due dates etc again I find the lead up worse than the actual day
It's a truly rubbish time and my main advice would be be kind to yourself
x

Sorry for your loss.

Agree with helterskelter that time and a bit of space really do help. And being easy on yourself too. I felt very differently after a couple of weeks lying low and much more ready to face other people.

My sister had same due date as me. Her pregnancy was fine but mine ended. Of course that was tricky (especially when my niece was born though thankfully I was pregnant again) but we got through it mainly by being honest - I was really happy for her but was also able to say when I was feeling upset and she was very supportive.

On the practical question, we did wait for one af and then I got pregnant straight away. I think they used to advise waiting 6 months before ttc but as you say advise has now changed to reflect fertility increase. We did consider trying before af but thought a few weeks break would do us good. It's a personal choice though.

Good luck and take it easy

Hello.
Both of you I am so sorry for your losses.
Helterskelter I can't imagine how you must be feeling after three miscarriages. I do hope you are taking your own advice and being kind to yourself.

Lurcherlover I too had an erpc yesterday and it is just a horrible time isn't it?
It would have been my third baby. I am lucky enough to have two wonderful boys. My due date would have been December 12th.
Like you I am already dreading the milestones. I guess I hope to be able to remember but not let things get overshadowed.
I don't work at the moment so I don't have that hurdle. Like helterskelter says it may be worth emailing before you go back? Then people can say what they want to by email rather than to your face and make you cry. Also if there is someone you are particularly close to maybe you could meet up with them before you go back and they can do some hand holding for you?
My sister and a close friend are both due a month before I would have been. Again, I don't know how best to handle this but I spoke to my friend, who has been a great support and told her that I will of course feel sad and may be prone to bursting into tears but that in no way means I am not happy for her. We are going on holiday together next week. It will be really strange as we were expecting to be pregnant together but I don't want her to feel bad about it. I think for me it is important that I can talk about it whenever I feel the need and my dp has been great so far. Hope yours is too.
And lastly I will be interested to hear about ttc after. My doctor told me to wait a month too. He said to make sure we take as much time as we need to grieve for the baby we have lost and I think that is important. I don't know when we will start again but am hoping that we will know when it is the right time.
Sorry, I know none of that is very useful but I just wanted to let you know you're not alone in this.
You may think this is a bit naff but this morning I wrote a short letter to my baby. It just helped me to get my thoughts in order and start saying goodbye. You may find that helpful or not!
Please look after yourself. I will be thinking of you xxx

Thanks so much for your kind words everyone. Ellie, they help very much. I like the idea of writing a letter to the baby, although I don't think I am strong enough to do it at the moment. I have a scan pic of him/her and I might do it and put the letter and pic in a box together. I was thinking of also planting something in the garden to commemorate the baby, although I'm hesitant as I'm not too good with plants so it would need to be something robust - would be terrible if it died.

A lot of people have been in touch this week to tell me they've had miscarriages in the past - you don't realise how common it is, do you? I guess because people understandably don't like talking about it. I have found it strangely comforting to know I'm not alone though.

Another question - how long will a pregnancy test usually be positive for following a mc? I know logically I'm not pg any more, but somehow I want to have that confirmed for me by doing a test - but I really don't want to risk a bfp if my hcg levels are still high. When should I get a negative?

I had my mc 6 weeks ago. Like you people already knew as I was showing and had been wearing mat clothes for a couple of weeks. I was 12 weeks when mine happened.

Going back to work. I went back 10 days after the mc, having had a week of holiday and then taken 3 days off. Personally I think that was too soon but I went back because I was feeling guilty about missing classes with exams soon, and I wanted to keep busy rather than lie around wallowing in it all. The first day back was awful, I walked into my department and everyone said how sorry they were, I wish I'd asked them not to say anything. I managed to get through it though. 2 weeks later I burst into tears at break, pulled myself together to teach period 3 then cried again at lunchtime, so much that I was sent home and didn't go in the following day. I have taken 3 days off this week too as I am still not coping very well.

I'm dreading milestones too. I don't know how I'll cope with them. I've found it very difficult talking this week about timetables for next year because I'm not supposed to be at work, I should be on mat leave. I am hoping that time really does help like people say.

Being happy for pg friends. I'm not there yet. I'm avoiding them whenever possible. I have explained the situation and let them know that while I am happy for them (and I am) I don't want to hear about it or see them until I'm in a better place. They seem to be very understanding.

We've planted a rose bush for our baby. I am rubbish with gardening too and don't think I will do very well if it doesn't grow, but it seems to be doing well so far, dp has even been weeding (he's even worse with gardening than I am). The geocaching thread on Chat has also inspired me and I'm going to send a travelbug round in memory of the baby, sort of a chance for this baby to get to travel and see the world even though it didn't make it into the world. I don't know if that is a nice idea or a stupid one, but I think I'm going to do it anyway.

I got my negative 10 days after the mc. I know others have waited a bit longer though.

God it is so sad to hear what everyone is going through. Mother nature can be very cruel. I think it was somewhere on here I read that it is like being indoctrinated into some kind of silent sisterhood. When I went for my op yesterday they told me they were doing four that morning.
Then the nurse told me I just needed to move on ;-)
Jodidi you sound like you are doing what you need to which is cry. I love the idea of a rose bush but am rubbish with plants too so maybe will get some kind of garden sculpture or something.
Thinking of you all x

I had a Mc yesterday after a scan on Tuesday confirmed a mmc. Was extremely distraught all of sun/Mon/Tues as I kept bleeding more and more and seeing the scan was a massive shock. I was devastated but am coming to terms with it now. Actual MC was bloody painful but at least its out of the way. I was 11+4 but on the scan the sac looked empty so go knows when the embryo died.

Because there wasn't really anything there to see I think I am finding it easier to process mentally than if there was a baby shaped being that I could see. In general am trying to be positive and look forward to things like our summer holiday and ttc again. This approach is helping me get through this situation- I don't want to spend too much time thinking about what might have been.

In terms of advice on how to cope, I have no idea if my own methods would help you but this is what I am doing.

With regards to work I am lucky that I had only told my boss and one other person at work. However in your situation I think people would like being given some direction on how to behave, so an email from you might help or you could choose someone to spread the word that you don't want to talk about it.

In terms of the milestones, I really hope I manage to get PG again before the due date. However, I do try to think that this MC was out of my hands, it was always going to happen from the start and the family I end up with will be shaped by that event. I guess that is called being fatalistic about things? I don't know, its just how I work. I kind of take that from my mum who says if she hadn't had her miscarriage she would never have had my sister. Not sure if it will help you but it gives me some comfort anyway.

In terms of being happy for PG friends, I have been on the receiving end of someone who avoids at all cost other PG women and I don't want to be like that. I think it can be quite a selfish approach - this friend abandoned my best mate through her pregnancy and much of the first year of her sons life, until she herself had a healthy pregnancy on the way. I agree that a certain amount of self preservation is fine to start with (ie in the immediate aftermath) but after that you just have to face up to it and steel yourself. There are pregnant women and new born babies everywhere. It will be our turn again one day, we just have to ride it out until then.

Having said all this, my advice may be a bit insensitive for some and perhaps this is because I count myself as having got off relatively lightly. Later miscarriages are no doubt way more difficult and multiple miscarriages must be utterly utterly horrendous so I know I am no expert.

In terms of ttc again, I have irregular LONG cycles so we will be jumping back on the wagon ASAP. My gynecologist said there is no medical reason not to, they suggest a break for psychological reasons and to give your body a break.

Ps just reread my comment about telling people at work might help them and I don't mean you should do it to help THEM - more that by telling them how they should behave it will help the situation- as in they will be less awkward and make things easier for you if they know they are doing what you want them to do! Hope that makes sense.

I agree that avoiding pg women can be selfish. At the same time though it's what I need to do right now in order not to be a blubbering mess whenever I see them. I don't expect to avoid my friends (only 1 pg friend atm actually) forever, or even for very long. I just can't cope right now with seeing this friend when her due date is only a week after mine should be. I'll get over it, and will definitely be seeing the baby when it arrives.

Lurcher, sorry you are going through this. I started spotting 4-10, took meds to pass the pregnancy quickly 4-11 and had a D&C 4-14. It's taken a few weeks for the pregnancy test to read negative - I did one with FMU last week and there was a faint line. Tested again 2 days later (not FMU) and it was negative. It's pretty rubbish since we did TTC this month but really just for practice. So you might get a pregnancy test for 4-5 weeks, but for some people it's much sooner (~1-2 weeks).

Jodidi yes absolutely, you have to do what it takes to get through it at first. Protect yourself from feeling too much more than you have to.

I just mean that you can't avoid pregnant friends forever. Well you can but not sure its a good idea!

I am so sorry for all your losses. I had two very early MCs and conceived again on the very next cycle after the last one with no problems (DS is now 3 months old - happy ending! :) ). It was about 2-3 weeks after when I did a HPT and got a negative but I hadn't tried before so don't know if HCG would have dropped enough earlier.

A good rose bush to plant if you'd like to plant something is one actually called Remembrance - it's a red-rose standard and is pretty hardy and requires very little care (I have two in my garden and both flower beautifully every year). www.roselocator.com/rose_locator/roses/floribunda_less_100cm/1252_remembrance.php

Sending love.

So very sorry for your loss lurcher.

1. I would see how you feel closer to returning to work. If you don't want to talk about it, ask your boss to tell this to your colleagues and request that people carry on with business as usual. If you don't want it ignored, take tissues on day one and expect some awkward conversations, most of which will make you feel better and loved, a couple of which may be insensitive and make things worse. Don't beat yourself up if you are upset, everyone expects you to be. Don't be alarmed if people ignore the subject -there's nothing they can say to reverse it so some people willl choose to keep schtum.

2. The milestones, frankly, are shit. I have had 2 mcs and today is ten days after my first due date and tbh I spent it in floods of tears having has a second miscarriage last month. Even today I am a bit wobbly as DD was ten days late so perhaps this could have been my actual labour day had things have been different. I would say plan very little for days you can predict will be hard -don't accept social invites, remind DP and perhaps a close friend or relative that the day is coming up so they can be on hand if you do need them. If you want to try to turn it into a positive, maybe plant the plant in your garden that day or light a candle at church if you are that way inclined (we did both, and it did feel quite healing. Went for a little pear tree in the garden -hard to kill, I am assured).

3. I am struggling with this question myself atm to be honest. Smile, nod, deep breaths. If anyone has figured out how to handle this better please let me know.

4. The fertile window is 6 months, I read, so yes, I have taken the adivce and waited for one AF -partly because you know where your cycle is then and partly to allow chance to grieve. After MC in November I sat December out, half tried in Jan and Feb (DH was away on the crucial date in Jan and I was a bit poorly in Feb so not our best effort), tried properly every day for a week in March and got my BFP thereafter, so I reckon I was still pretty fertile 3/4 months after mc. Ensure what to do now -try this month or not? As I'm still pretty emotional... but like you I share the sense of urgency to regain some hope.

Sending a very big hug xx