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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Missed Miscarraige Hell please help!

24 replies

bluetoo · 16/02/2006 14:48

On Valentines day was the day i was due my first scan, we was so very excited, it would of been at the 13 weeks mark, but on friday the 10th I started to bleed lightly, i called the doctors and they told me to go to the epu, I didn't think the baby was going to be dead, i just thought we would get an earlier scan and they say its normal to get a bit of bleeding sometimes, How wrong was i, they started to scan me but didn't say anything, i looked at my hubby and they still didn't say anything, they said they would need to do an internal scan, so they did and they still didn't say anything and 2 nurses were looking at the screen, then at last they said something, they said that they were sorry and that they couldn't find a heart beat, then they said a doctor will speak to you, and everything else was a blur, i didn't think it would happen to me, none of my friends had any problems, they said that my baby was about the size of 6 weeks old and, the sac was the size of about 12 weeks. I opted for the medical way because i am so scared of a General, they made me take a pill there and then which i did but it made me feel terrible, i came back to the hospital 2 days later, and had the internal tablets that made me dilate, i went from no pain to excruciating pain within 10 mins, it was awful, they gave me a pethindene injection which seemed to make it worse, i went all dizzy and sick and my arms had pins and needles, i felt the need to keep going to the loo, and i was so hot i felt like i was going to pass out, so they gave me another injection for the sikness and 2 painkillers and after 10 mins i felt alot better, I thought i had a high pain threshold but after that i would defiantley have a epidural for actual birth, anyway there was a lot of blood and it actually felt like my waters broke and there was about 3 big clots, one was so big like a lump of liver, but the nurses checked it and they said it was just blood clots, I had to go to the toilet in bed pans, which the nurses just left them sitting there for hours at a time, it was really bad, i decided to stay over night because i wanted to be in the hospital if anything happened, but nothing did, i was then told to come back in a week to see if it happens naturally and have a scan if it isn't clear i will have to have the scrape, I'm at home just waiting for the week to be up, my blood has got much less and i don't think its coming, i even had breast milk cover my nighty and the bed last night, which made me really sad. If anything it has made me want a baby more, but until this nightmare is over i can't think about the future, I know one thing i'm going to be scared as hell when i'm pregnant next time, i will think the worse defiantley until i give birth,My hubby seems to have got over it already and he is making me angry.
can anyone give me some hope?

OP posts:
suzywong · 16/02/2006 14:53

oh you poor love
yes I can give you some hope

My first pg ended the same way, but I had to have the scrape the next day. Bled like a pig for 2 weeks - make sure you keep your feet up as much as possible and take it very easy.

I got my period back 4 weeks to the day, and after 4 cycles I conceived ds1. The intervening 4 months were hard, psyhcologically, every where you look there are pg women etc etc.

I conceived when I finally let go of the urgency to get the first pg back IYSWIM, went out with the girls, got tipsy and jumped dh. The trick is to chill out although I know that is far easier said than done

Don't give up hope, you'll be fine and it will happen for you. As I 'm sure you know most m/c are the result of choromosonal misinformation and the pg was not meant to be

fastasleep · 16/02/2006 14:54

So sorry BT that sounds really horrible

there are a few fab women on MN who've had this happen to them, it doesn't spell the end honestly it doesn't you can still have a baby after something like this, but you need to give yourself as much time to grieve as you need...

Men are crap at showing their emotions usually, I bet he's really hurting too, he probably doesn't want to make you any more upset xxx

harpsichordcarrier · 16/02/2006 14:58

what a very sad story and what a horrible experience
my thoughts are with you
if it is any comfort then, yes, I have been there and went on to have two beautiful daughters.
I hope that you can get the support you need.
maybe you should talk to your dh? he may be hurting too and finding it hard to show it.
Have yo thought about contacting the Miscarriage Association? you might find it helpful

here's a link

sending you all best wishes
HC xx

Tiggerish · 16/02/2006 15:01

Oh Bluetoo. This had made me go all shivery and wobbly. I had a missed miscarriage almost 2 years ago and your post really brings it all back to me. It is one of the worst things to have happen. I opted for the surgery so didn't have the pain etc to worry about but I felt so empty afterwards. Also really angry.

I know what you mean when you say your dh seems to have got over it already. Some do, but mine sort of shut himself away for a bit. He seemed ok but was hurting inside but didn't want to upset me even more by talking about it.

On a happier note, I now have a 9 month old dd who is fantastic and followed a nerve-wracking but easy pregnancy.
Take care of yourself and get lots of rest. Then try to look forward and keep positive

wools · 16/02/2006 15:09

Bluetoo, that is so sad. It is awful to get as far as the scan and then discover the baby has died. I have had 2 miscarriages - one at 11 weeks (discovered my missed m/c at the booking in appointment) and the other at 8 weeks. Strangely, my 2nd m/c (which was in December) affected me far worse than the first even though I wasn't as far along. I would say that you do need time to grieve your loss but as soon as you feel ready you can ttc again. I think fastasleep made a really good point about men and their emotions - I'm sure underneath he is very upset. Things will definately get better once the pregnancy hormones are out of your system. The ladies on here are a great support whenever you need to talk.

Arabica · 16/02/2006 16:20

Bluetoo, so sorry about what has happened. I discovered a missed m/c this time last year. I had to have the operation because I couldn't have the tablets due to asthma. Would it help you to know that within about two weeks, when I had stopped bleeding, I was able to get through the day without crying? At first I could not contemplate ever trying for another baby but now I am pg.

HumphreysCorner · 16/02/2006 16:33

bluetoo-I'm so sorry you are going through this. The same happened to me last June-started bleeding 1 day before 12 weeks and turns out the baby died at 6 weeks but the sac grew to 10 weeks. I opted for the natural way and it took 2 weeks to all come away. Had 3 AF's following then fell PG and am now 20 weeks. My DH just didn't seem bothered at all which made things worse but I think it is a man thing. Hun, you will feel like trying again but do wait for one proper AF. There is a marvellous thread which I joined-TTC after a miscarriage-Wishing everyone shed loads lof luck and babydust. (sorry can't do links) When you are ready go and join them. Sending you lots of hugs.


bluetoo · 16/02/2006 16:48

Thank you everyone for your warm words of encouragement, i'd read loads of other peoples stories before i decided to post mine, but to get the messages of support just for me made me feel like i wasn't going through it alone and someone does care and someone does know how i'm feeling, thank you all so much. xxxx

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Arabica · 16/02/2006 19:11

Yes, we do care and no, you are not alone. I got so much comfort from mumsnet when I had my m/c. There will always be someone here for you.

MUM007 · 16/02/2006 19:23

Hi there the same thing happened to me on my second
Went for scan at 12 weeks sac there but no baby.Is called a blighted ovum.Was sooo upset i kept thinking it would have been better if i had of bled and miscarried as was so out of the blue.
Was all on my own as well. Had scrape the following day and was told to give it few months before trying again.Was so desperate to be pregnant statred trying again straight away as thought that would have more chance of conceiving as would be completely clear. Anyway four weeks later was pregnant again and gave birth to my beautiful second daughter in the December. Worried so much throughout but knew it was different as i felt so ill and had no sickness with the baby i miscarried.
People say how common this is and it is as i read every book on blighted ovum!!
A couple of years later went on to have my 3rd child and also had no problems at all but the worry was always there.
I hope everything works out for you in the future and hope my story can give you some hope x

Rhian101 · 16/02/2006 19:45

2 and a half years ago I had exactly the same thing happen to me. At 13 weeks I had slight bleeding and was convinced that it would be nothing but a scan revealed that there was no heartbeat and the baby was only 8 weeks in size. I still remember the, "I'm sorry." of the doctor. I lost the baby naturally 3 days later

It devastated me for a long time and I will never forget my baby. I named her and planted a tree in her memory: It really helped to have somewhere to sit and remember her.
Last November I gave birth to a healthy baby t
boy. I was very nervous about being pregnant and so just took it day by day, week by week, and concentrated on what I could do and not what I couldn't control. There is hope!
But another baby will never replace what you've lost - something it took me a long time to realise. A time will come when you remember how happy being pregnant made you and not just the sadness.
Men can be terrible at showing how they feel or reacting the way they should. He may be trying to be strong for you. Talk to him and don't let this tragedy push you apart.
I wish you all the love in the world through this. Take everything day by day and let yourself grieve. xxxx

jamiesam · 16/02/2006 21:55

Bluetoo, I'm so sorry. You will get over this and you will get pg again.

I have 2 ds's, and had m/c in December. I was really shocked and unprepared - I thought my body knew what to do and it never really seriously occured to me that I could m/c. Also I though I'd 'had' my m/c as my first pg ended in a m/c and I'd read that this is sadly not that uncommon.

As my m/c was just before Christmas, I did a lot of pretending that there was nothing wrong as hardly anybody knew I was pg (I was going to tell my family at our Boxing Day do ). I pretended so well that dh said to me yesterday that he thought I'd been less sad about this m/c than my first one. I'm going to have to have a serious chat with him this weekend (he's working away) as I need to find out how we are both feeling.

Hope is there because sometimes your body just kicks back into gear again. To my great surprise, I'm pg again, tested and told dh yesterday. Obviously nerves are going to be shot to hell with fear that I may m/c again. But the odds aren't against me I think.

Give yourself as much time as you can to get over this. I was shocked when people asked how much time I'd had off work - it never occured to me to do that. Obviously you must take off absolutely as much time as you need. Even the odd day down the line when you have a blue day.

On advice of other MNers I chose to take some flowers and bulbs to my mum's grave to mark passing of my little one and that was a really lovely time.

Also, at work on Monday I came across a version of this poem - the sentiment of my mum calling to my dead baby 'there she comes' has got me sobbing again now. I hope it might help you too.

Spidermama · 16/02/2006 22:13

Hello bluetoo,
I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my first at 13 weeks in a similar way. It's really tough and nothing can prepare you for the feelings.

I was pg again within three months. I was nervous until I passed the 13 week mark.

I went on to have three lovely healthy babies, then another mc, then another baby.

You'll never know why this pregnancy didn't work but remember it's very unlikely to be anything you could have avoided. It was the right outcome for you and your family.

Take your time to heal. Don't be hurried. The hurt will fade in time. x

Kitty4Paws · 16/02/2006 23:26

So sorry for your MC and also for your experience in the hospital. That silence in the scan room is like nothing else , awful, just awful.

I had ds,mc,dd,mc,ds,mc,ds, so 4 babies and 3 mc.

I found having a dopler to listen to baby's hb kept me sane during the last 3 pg. MC robs you of the "innoncence" of pg. I worried much more after the mc than before, suddenly "it could happen to me" seemed very real.

Please take time to grieve, my dh seemed to "get over it" as well, but that's just men, and I hope that the future brings you good things.

bluetoo · 17/02/2006 12:50

I can't think how it would feel to have more than one miscarraige let alone 3 or more.
Me & my Hubby is going to go on a holiday to get away for a bit, somewhere that we couldn't have gone with baby

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Lakota · 17/02/2006 13:18

Dear Bluetoo, I don't have personal experience of this, but I just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear of your sad loss and to send you all my best wishes. I am sure you will go on to have a healthy pregnancy in time. Look after yourself. x

bluetoo · 17/02/2006 13:51

Lakota, Thank you so much for your kind thoughts, I hope you never have to experience anything like what any of these girls are going through

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Nemo1977 · 17/02/2006 14:00

aww blue what a horrible thing to happen.
Yes I can also give you hope. My first 2 pregnancies ended in early miscarriage at 5wks and 7wks. I then went on to have my DS who is 2.4yrs. After this I also had a missed mc found at 15wks but baby had died at around 9wks. I was given option of tabs or ERPC and went for the latter which means I was knocked out and baby was removed. However 3mths later I became pregnant again and gave birth to a dd a year to the day of us finding out about the missed mc. She is now 9wks and fantastic.

I doubt very much your dh has gotten over it but it is harder for them to understand and sometimes they think its best not to talk about it. I know this was how my dh felt with all our mcs.

One of the best things I did was exactly what you are doing now and gain support from others who understand. I made quite a few friends vis mn and a year on the vast majority of us either have our babies or are due them soon.

hugs to you and feel free to mail me if you want to chat

[email protected]

bluetoo · 17/02/2006 17:00

Hi Nimo, Thanks for your message.
There is something that I need to know and it may sound awful but i have been dying to ask as lots of people had theres at home and buried it, but what did the embryo and sac look like when it came out and how big was it(i had a 6 week embryo and 12 week sac, and did you get any feeling in your stomach before it came, since i have come from the hospital the blood has died down, but my stomach feels a bit weird today but not painful, the nurses checked my clots in the hospital but they said they were only clots one was the size of a piece of liver, do you think they could of made a mistake? I have had no big clots since and nothing that i can feel coming out.
Sorry to ask this question

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nannyme · 21/02/2006 01:29

I have had a missed miscarriage after three healthy pregnancies and I simply cannot imagine how dreadful it must be for it to happen as a first pregnancy. The sadness and disappointment must be enormous but I am guessing that the fear of the physical aspect is terrible because you will know so much less about 'birth' (which is what you are going through). For me, having had three labours at least gave my dead baby's labour some kind of context within which I could comprehend it all. You sound confused and scared as well as understandably terribly sad. I am sorry for you and your dh and your dear baby.

I don't know either you or your dh personally but I do know that many men either appear to have coped with it when they haven't or sometimes actually have a delayed reaction to it - which they can often then try and conceal (perhaps because it feels out of synch with their partner?) It is also normal to feel anger about what has happened and to project it on to those closest to you.

I think the best thing you can do is try and be kind to each other, to talk about how you will try and cope with each other's very different grieving processes. If you can talk about your baby, then do so but for many this is just too hard although it is very helpful if you do manage it. Just promise to be there for one another as much as you can through it and to be there again for each other when you come out the other side of your grief. Grief is very powerful and can have the power to divide us and ruin us if we let it. The best defense is to acknowledge it and let it run its course, imo, but don't let it suffocate you or your relationship.

Will be thinking of you. Please be very aware of the need to keep a check for signs of infection. I was seriously ill with a post delivery (after miscarriage) infection esentially because I ignored how poorly I felt and because it was Christmas and I didn't want to be away from my children on Christmas Day.

diddle · 22/02/2006 09:35

bluetoo - so sorry you are going through this. I have had 2 miscarriages, the first was my first ever pregnancy and i was so happy and never thought for a second it could happen to me. but it did, at 7 weeks i started to bleed and lost my baby naturally. The second we conceived only 4 wks after the miscarriage and it was obviously too soon because after 9 wks we lost that one too. I know that you will be feeling numb and empty and lifeless, I was very pale and drained. your body si going through so much, even if you don't feel unwell in yourself its important to take it easy, your body has had a big trauma.
We then tried for 6 months and finally got pregnant again, I am now 24 weeks, but i have not stopped worrying since i saw that positive result and i know i won't until i see my baby. I desperatly want to enjoy this pregnancy, but it is very hard.
On the subject of husbands and partners. Mine was fantastic, although neither of us knew what to say to each other, we managed to get through it. Men deal with this sort of thing in different ways to us women, we are emotional and honest. men will nottle up thier feelings and try and be strong. I doubt very much that your hubbie is over it, he is probably trying to be strong for you, so that fi you need his support he will be able to provide it without fallign to pieces. he needs to grieve in his own way, and i know its easy to be annoyed with him and wonder why hes not sobbing all day, but they're jsut not the same as us, and he needs you just as much as you need him.

I hope that you are doing ok and that as a couple this makes you stronger. Your little one will be up in heaven, watching over you and keeping you safe.

diddle · 22/02/2006 09:38

bluetoo - when i lost mine at 9 wks, i lost a large piece of tissue which i coudl feel coming, like a large clot. with my 7 wks miscarriage I lost a sac, and lots of small and large clots, i bled not heavily at all, but it lasted for a couple of weeks.

bluetoo · 28/02/2006 21:07

thanks diddle and nannyme for your lovely messages, i went for me second scan last monday and they said that i had retained products but that i should go back in 2 weeks for another scan, they said i could have a D&C but they said most of it seems to have come out now so it should be ok, i have only had a small amount of blood its a browny colour, i hope when i go back its complete, I am back to work now and feel much better almost normal,too normal in fact, i haven't cried for a week, i feel like i should be, i went out on sat and got really drunk and had a really good time, have i got over it already?

OP posts:
bluetoo · 11/03/2006 14:05

I went back for another scan on wednesday and they said it was still incomplete, I went in for a D&C yesterday, i should of opted for it in the first place. But straight after the op i began feeling very cold and couldn't warm up i have been going hot & cold all night with aching bones and i woke up with a sore throat this morning, don't know if it is to do with the op or a virus, so i called the doctors and they have given me antibiotics just in case. I am just thankful this hopefully is the end, but I can say one thing it has really put me off ever getting pregnant again.:(

OP posts:
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