I wanted to tell a bit about what happened after Merryn died. It's part of her story, and I don't want to forget it, and also it might say something to others in that horrible time when you have to make decisions about what to do....
Merryn died in London, and after getting her birth and death certificate on the same day (which was horrendous), we drove home to Devon. We couldn't take her with us as they hadn't decided about a PM yet, so we had to leave her at Great Ormond Street. It was horrible leaving her so far behind us, and I remember driving past the county sign for Devon, which is always a 'coming home' moment for me, and dissolving because she wasn't there. I had been planning bringing her home for such a long time.
Once back we knew we had to arrange what would happen next for her, and later that day we got a call saying there was no need for a PM and no possibility of using her organs to help save another little one. We got in touch with The Green Funeral Company, which is the nearest to our home. It was such a relief to find how lovely they were. Rupert drove to London the next day (sat), and brought Merryn back for us. I couldn't face having her at home, so she stayed in the place they have nr the boys school. I went to sit in the room next to where she was every day, it was lovely to sit watching the wood burner and talk through how I was and have her close. It was such a relief to have her home in Devon, and to know Claire and Rupert were looking after her. Claire asked if it was ok if she gave her a kiss.
My DP was able to go in with her and talk to her and give her cuddles, but I wanted to keep my last memory of her and didn't want to do this. Claire talked through this choice with me, and I am happy with it still. We initially thought we wanted to bury Merryn in our village cemetery, and the vicar was lovely, agreeing to us not having any religious service. When we went to see where it would be though I felt strongly it was wrong for her and us, and I couldn't do it. Rupert and Claire gave us lots of help and time to find out what we wanted. They told us we could bury Merryn on our land if we wanted, I didn't even know this was an option.
Eventually after a few more days we decided that we would cremate Merryn and scatter her ashes in the river that flows by our house, past the boys school, and out to the sea. My dp liked the thought that she would be with us in all these places and at the beaches we go to as well.
We chose a wicker basket which was woven just for her, and my DH put her in it wrapped in a blanket I had made, and holding a little bird I had sewn for her. She also held five bluebells from our garden, one for her and one from each of us and the boys. We drove her ourselves to the crematorium in Bodmin, and spent some time there saying a quiet goodbye before going home. We had no service or anyone else there, and we left her in front of the big window with a view across Cornwall.
The next day we drove back to get her ashes. (not all crematoriums will get ashes back from a baby, but some do things differently to give a better chance of this). We drove to a place nr the source of the river where the boys play and we picnic in the summer. It's beautiful. We scattered her ashes in the water and cried and said goodbye to my little girl. Wild horses watched us.
At the weekend we went back with my boys who had gathered bunches of flowers from our garden, and they said goodbye to Merryn and scattered the flowers on the water before chasing them downstream giggling and playing in the sun.
Sometimes we just drive that way now, but I find it hard to go there. It will get easier I hope.
If anyone reads this who is faced with these decisions then I hope you find as much support as we did. There are really good undertakers out there now who are full of sympathy and compassion, and it helped us to have this. You can google the green funeral company and read about the way they work, and they have lovely but heartbreaking quotes from families they have helped find a way to say goodbye. I'm sure they know of similar undertakers in other parts of the country. Anyway, we owe them our heartfelt thanks... It was like speaking to old friends although we had never met.