I don't know whether it'll help to write this.
My beautiful baby girl was born at 32plus 1 weeks by ecc then transferred to Great Ormond Street straight after birth. An operation that we thought would go well didn't, and she struggled and fought for five days before they turned off the machines and we held her while she died.
We knew during the pregnancy that she would need an op, that's why we were referred to GOSH. We were only meant to be in London for routine scan though, and they spotted she had hydrops and reduced fluids. We stayed extra day to see other consultant, and they scanned again, she was worse, so they scheduled for next day. My partner drove back home to drop of youngest DS who was with us and pick up bags etc, then during the day I got very ill with Mirror Syndrome (like v severe preeclamsia), and my partner just made it back two minutes before op. He got to see our baby with her eyes open, which I never did. I'm so glad he got back. He went with her to GOSH, and I had to stay in UCH while they tried to stabilise me.
They operated that night. I thought it would be ok. My partner ran back from GOSH to UCH to let me know it had gone wrong, and she was critical. He then ran back to be with her.
The next day they (accidentally) discharged me, and I was with her from then on as much as possible. NICU is a parents hell. She was so ill. The staff were amazing, but there was nothing they could do in the end.
On the last night her heart started to fail, and the decision was made to stop. They cut all her wires and tubes and handed her to me while she died. I want her back now. This isn't right.
My milk came in the next morning. I had to bind my breasts and we had to register her birth and death that morning. Then we came home. She has been cremated now, and my milk has gone. It's been three weeks, but it could have been yesterday. I don't know how to get through this. I want her back.