Friend has just lost her baby at 16 weeks pregnant

[Whirliwig72]

My poor friend has just lost her baby despite sailing through her 12 week scan and tests. She went through labour and had a rough time. I've had 3 miscarriages myself but all before 12 weeks so I don't want to compare my situation to her in case this offends her if you see what I mean? What can I say to her to give her the most comfort. Should I ask questions about the baby and the experience of delivering him / her? Or wait for her to broach the subject. After my miscarriages I was so sensitive to the things people said to me and I'm desperate to try and help her. Any advice?

I'm afraid that nothing you can say will make any difference to how she's feeling. Don't talk about how time heals, at least you know you can get pregnant, you'll be Ok the next time etc etc. Just tell her how sad you are about their little baby, ask her if it was a boy or girl, did she have any names picked and tell her that you're always at the end of the phone if she needs you. Ask her the questions that you wanted people to ask you but didn't.

You're a very considerate friend to be thinking about this. You've had an awful experience yourself and just because your miscarriages were before 12 weeks doesn't make them any less painful. As soon as you see the blue line you're having a baby. Sorry for your loss and for your friend. Stay strong together. I think the main thing to remember is that at the minute it's all about her, maybe in the weeks to come she will start to ask you about your losses and you can support each other. xxx

Tell her what you told us, tell her you're there if she needs you, even if it's not right now. If she wants her space you'll give it to her. Everyone deals with things differently, let her be your guide.

Thank you so much Gemini - wonderful advice

Thank you bonzo

Poor woman very sorry to hear that.

I'd just let her lead tbh, if she wants to talk she will, then as above ask things like babies name etc.

My friend lost her baby at 25 weeks (he lived for 2 days) and I felt the same as you. I'd had 1 mc at that point (at 12 wks) and I said that although its not comparable, I had experienced a tiny fraction of what she had gone through and to be honest I think it did give me some insight as none of our other friends had been through any even vaguely similar (thank goodness) so could not relate at all. She will appreciate you just being there for her I'm sure and after 3 mcs I am sure you can hugely relate.

I also gave practical help to my friend - took her food round and sent her a parcel of 'useful' things (as she was in hospital for a while) - a nice notebook & pen, beauty products, magazines etc....just to let her know I was thinking about her even though there was really nothing at all I could do.

I agree that you should just be available to talk even about the really horrible things she's been through. As you probably know yourself, its good to have friends who dont flinch at the gory details.

Everyone has given great advice. Your friend will physically be in shock as well as emotionally. As she will be numb she won't even be aware that she feels physically terrible so do little things for her. Some friends of ours brought round ready made meals and delivered box sets of dvds. It helped a lot. Also, send her kind and loving messages again and again. Don't worry if she doesn't answer. She often won't even have the words to answer. But she and her other half will take great comfort from kind msgs. If there is a name mention it. Send them a card referring to the baby with his name. Eventually she will want to talk about it over and over again. She has a hard hard journey ahead in coming to terms with that she's a mum with empty arms.