Now its all over, i just ned to talk.

[mrsnesbit]

So, this was my 8th pregnancy, my 7th miscarriage.
After mc number 6, we made a definite decision to stop.
At 40 years old, 11 years of ttc, taking up to 2 years to get pregnant towards the end.
Investigations and failed treatment by a specialist miscarrigae centre, the time had come.
MIL died in February, 11 days after diagnosis of liver cancer, very fast, very traumatic for us, terrible dark days.

Was going to make an appointment with my GP to compalain about my horrendous periods and ovulation pains, decreased fertility and suggestions for treatement/medication....af didnt arrive...very very faint + at 5 days late.
Bad feeling.

This was special though, a surprise, 5 months since last mc (took 22 months between mc's usually) and mil to look after us from above (i dont usually believe in any of that shite...straw clinging going on though)

The following week, the usual brown spotting started, this went on for the next 3 weeks. scan showed empty sac....the usual for me.

Pattern that then followed: pain~solpodol~zonked & dizzy~pain went. Over and over for about 2 weeks.
Then pain increased, intensified and didnt go away.
Thats when i take myself off to hospital becuase i am unable to cope with the pain. I have morphine, tramadol, gas & air & buscopan..and still have pain.
Its bad.

I have no memory of the last 5 days. I vaguely remember being trundled up a corridoor for a scan, told "its all gone" then trundled back to the room. But the pain wasnt going away.
Got home on Friday, big clots still coming away, then big chunks of "tissue" came away on Sunday. There was no more pain after that, bleeding nearly stopped now, dizziness getting better, nausea still there.

Very different and "special" this one indeed.
Had bad thoughts. Wanting to finish myself off, planning how to do it. Planning to go far away.
This is NOT like me at all. These thoughts are alien to me and have thankfully faded as the drugs haze has lifted.
Think i need to see a head Dr to talk through it all so i am going to find out how to do this. Ive been and got the pill from GP, this will never happen to me again.

What an adventure eh.

Oh you poor poor thing, what an awful traumatic experience and on top of so many other miscarriages, just so cruel. I have had 2 mc's so far (and 1 DD) so I know a tiny bit of what you are feeling but I really think you are so brave and courageous for getting through the shit that is mc so many times. And you will get through this one as well, it will just take time for your mind and body to recover.

You seem incredibly articulate and self aware from your post which is why I feel you will come through this. I know that the pain of wanting a baby never really goes away but the pressure of ttc and the stress of early pregnancy when you've had mc is a lot to take on. If you have finished with this journey maybe you will find some peace and calm in not havig to 'try' anymore? Hope that doesn't sound heartless and the only reason I say it is that I've still not had af since last mc so we're not trying and I'm finding this time actually calmer than when we were ttc and I was pregnant. 11 years of ttc alone is a huge burden.

Counselling can definitely help - if you re in London there is a charity that provides a free service for fertility issues - will pm you details if you are. Otherwise your GP can help or there are lovely private therapists. I also find accupuncture amazing for well being, it really helps mood in my opinion. My friend (who lost a child) swears by reiki.

I really hope you can get strength and support from friends and family in RL and also your DC. And we are always here if you need to rant/talk/moan. I'm sure there are loads of others who've been in your exact position who will come along but in the meantime sending you a big hug xx

Hey mrsnesbit. So so sorry to hear your news. :(

I think a head Dr could be a wise move... If you think about what you have been through - 11 years of ttc, 7 mc's - that is traumatic. I could not do this 7 times without becoming altered in some way, and not a good one. there is only so much loss a person can deal with alone. Plus your MIL (so sorry) and, on top of all that, this last mc sounds really, really harsh and scary. And that is a lot of scary drugs.

Please take care of yourself. please don't hurt yourself. Come here to talk or you might find solace in a bereavement thread? So much loss :( I can see that you could get stuck and not be able to move forward or see that there is a forward. How to carve out your life after 11 years of such intense pressure and sadness would take a lot of letting go and mental readjustment, I think, and you really probably would need some help.

I dunno. Keep chatting mrs. x

I don't know what to say or where to start mrsnesbit, I am so so sorry

GP definitely, they can advise next steps for you.

Bloody hell, it's not surprising your emotions are screwed at the minute. I've done it once and cannot imagine the pain of having to go through what you have gone through so many times.

Sending you and lots of big hugs