Feel a bit lost.....

[redbunnyfruitcake]

This is my 3rd miscarriage. #1 was at 6 weeks, then had my wonderful DD, #2 at 10 weeks as baby had stopped growing weeks earlier, currently experiencing #3.

Had U/S on Thurs morning and the foetal pole had falled to grow again. I knew I was 9 weeks 2 days but the fp only measured less than 6mm. I was told to go home and wait 10 days for the next scan but to expect a miscarriage. I was a bit annoyed that I couldn't choose to have a D&C even though I was given the advice that a viable pregnancy was unlikely. Surely I should be able to make that decision? I did contact Marie Stopes for a private one but I would have to book in for a termination and I can't afford it.

What a horrible place to be stuck in. I know what's coming as I have experienced it before so I'm worried about being left alone with DD. Last time DP had to help me as it all happened at once and I am worried I will get caught out in public. I just can't stay in the house for the next 10 days!

The most awful thing about it all is that I am maid of honour at my best friends wedding next Saturday and I am just dreading what might happen. I can only pray it all happens during the next week and I can recover in time. I would just hate to let my friend down even though I know she would understand.

I just wanted to write that down really.

Ah redbunnyfruitcake, I am so sorry to
Read your post, I just wanted to send you a hug really. I've just had early mc number 2 and it really is heartbreaking, we just want a little baby to bring home one day. I really hope this wk goes ok for you and you can be maid of honor on Saturday :-)

Estelle xx

Redbunny, I read what you wrote and was realy moved by it, it's such a sad process, and you're left with the unknown now. I haven't been through that so I can't imagine, mine happened spontaneously and I was housebound for about 4 days. I hope you can go to the wedding if you want that, it's not the most awful thing though if you can't and need to look after yourself.

hey red I am sorry this is happening to you again :(

I am too in limbo but this is my first mc. I found out at 6 weeks there was no baby growing, had to wait another 10 days for a scan to say definitely no, at 8 weeks still no baby in the sac but then was told because the sac measured 19mm instead of 20mm (!) I had to wait another 10 days for another scan. in the meantime the dr and sonographer had agreed with me that the pregnancy was almost 100% non-viable. So, three weeks of waiting and walking around terrified of mc at any time but feeling pg :( and with a 2 years old DS I finally have this appt tomorrow.

Was so cross with the NHS for making me wait and asked about abortion instead but they said I would have to start again with the gp and get a referral etc and this was an entirley different procedure.

this limbo is horrible and unkind, but ultimately it is because there have been instances were babies have been ok... so I guess better to be safe than sorry? Anyway, I have a wedding to go a week sat too, though of a good but not great friend - I am wondering whether to go too. is so stressful waiting to mc, let alone with 'life' carrying on around you.

I hope you are ok and please come back here for chats if you need to. limbo sucks x

I felt quite tearful that people would be kind enough to offer support to a complete stranger, so thank you for that. I'm sorry that you have all had losses and I especially hope that you get that lovely baby one day Estelle.

wrigle Thank you for your kind words and fortunately my friend is the best person I know and would be supportive if I decided not to go.

Soveryfedup - I called my midwife for advice about not wanting to wait for the next scan and wanting to go ahead with D&C and she suggested I go to A&E and tell them about the bleeding, have a scan and ask them to help deal with it.

I think she was suggesting a way round all the NICE guidelines that stopped me making my own choices at the original scan. I was planning to go up there today but the bleeding has got heavier so I think I can expect things to start happening fairly soon. I know they are trying to avoid mistakes but I just wished they would hand that decision back to the me as I knew in my heart it was over.

I hope you get some resolution to your situation soon as it really does make looking after a toddler and getting on with the rest of life very difficult. My DP has been great but I know my DD who is 2.8 is having a tough time understanding why mummy keep bursting into tears and doesn't want to go to the park anymore.

Best wishes to you all and thank you once again for your kindness.

How are you today redbunny?

Hi FoofFighter, I'm ok today thank you. Still no big event like I was hoping for just a slow, miserable drip (sorry tmi). I've asked the hospital to bring my scan forward to Wednesday and if no growth (I'm praying that this is the case) then I will ask for the pessaries or a D&C. I might still have to wait until after the wedding but at least I will feel slightly more in control of my situation.

I am going to venture out tomorrow with DD as I think she is going stir crazy, as am I. Luckily I'll be heading off to meet a group of very supportive mums so if anything awful were to happen they would rally round. I've decided to carry on as normal rather than sitting around expecting the worst as that hasn't worked so far and has made me thoroughly depressed.

Weirdly enough I am able to cope with the loss of the baby fairly easily as I don't view it as having really lived, it being so underdeveloped. What I am struggling with is waiting for this miserable loss, the loss of my hopes for having a sister for DD and the impending end of my fertility.

I have decided rightly or wrongly to stop trying once I reach 40 as I feel for me I would be too old by then. However, after this loss I am thinking of bringing that forward to 38 as I just don't think I can go through this again. I know I am being dramatic but I was nervous about coping with 2 as it was. I really struggled with motherhood in the first year and DD didn't sleep until over 2 yaers so I was dreading it a bit. But that still does not stop me feeling sad that DD might be my one and only. I guess I should be grateful I have her in the first place.

Thank you for asking how am I. It's helpful just to be able to write this stuff down.