Advice on how to colleague who has lost his baby at 8 months gestation

[owlelf]

A colleague was expecting his first baby in about four weeks. He called today to say his baby has died. I am a director of the company and want to make sure we support him as best we can through this terribly terribly sad time.

I cannot begin to imagine how sad he must be feeling.

Our MD called him this afternoon to say how sorry we all are. We thought about sending flowers but sadly he split with his GF recently, they are not living together and somehow sending flowers to him doesn't seem the same as to her.

Obviously we have told him to take as much time off as he needs but there is a real feeling that we want to support him somehow.

I am planning on sending him a card saying how terribly sorry I am, but it seems so inadequate. In fact his pain must be so great that anything I could do would be inadequate.

Is there anything I should / should not do?

I should say that although he has worked for us for 5 years, and our company is small, I do not know him very well as we work on seperate areas.

The charity SANDs are excellent at this sort of thing: www.uk-sands.org/

I think flowers would still be a nice idea - nothing OTT but just to let him know you're thinking of him.

You sound a very kind and considerate employer. I think a card with a message of sympathy is a good idea. Plus a note in the card telling him that you understand he will need time off and let him know you want to support him.

You sound a very kind and considerate employer. I think a card with a message of sympathy is a good idea. Plus a note in the card telling him that you understand he will need time off and let him know you want to support him.

What about a tree instead - something which would go on living in baby's memory?

I wish I worked for an employer like you!

I lost my baby at 26 weeks; it was a horrendous time. I was severely ill (pre-eclampsia) with complications that threatened my own life as well as killing my daughter.

My employer tried to get me back to work fast / submit sick notes (not realising that I was actually entitled to full maternity leave as my pregnancy was past 24 weeks). They really didn't understand that pregnancy can still have life-threatening complications, even in this day and age. Your employee will still be entitled to paternity leave (assuming he was in the first place) if he wants to take it. I guess this may not apply as he has left his GF, but my DH needed time off and flexibility (time working at home) to look after me for a while when I was still very weak.

I didn't really appreicate flowers myself (they withered and died .....). But I really did appreciate cards and especially anyone who tried to write any personal messages (even if they had no idea what to say....) Three years on I remember very well who took the time and effort to try to reach out --- and I have a very high regard for those people. My DH is the same.

Hope this helps

owlelf first of all you sound very thoughtful and your workplace sounds lovely.

I just lost my first child, but at 20 weeks, can't even imagine 8 months. my DH works in a small firm with about 10 other people- they sent him a card before he went back into work and then various members of staff spoke to him individually when they grabbed a quiet moment etc ....

One of them brought in two nice sandwiches from home a couple of days later and dragged my DH into the park at lunchtime for some peace and quiet which was really thoughful and appreciated.

the boss also put a note on his desk about his holiday time left in the year, which made it clear he hadn't counted my husbands absence as holdiay time without actually having to raise the issue with him, which he also appreciated.

DH said me recently that the one thing he had learnt from losing our baby was that when something terrible happens to someone the best thing to do it to say 'i'm terribly sorry, i cant even imagine how difficult it must be' AND THEN SHUT UP.

It is the wittering on afterwards that is really difficult. People wondering aloud why god allows it to happen/ commenting on how cruel mother nature is / offering the services of psychic friends etc. It is all really, really unhelpful.

Perhaps you could suggest to people at work that a brief mention of it is appreciated but not these sort of monolgues- what you said in your post-that his pain must be so great that anything you could say would be inadequate- is absolutely right and if you follow this you can't go far wrong

Why not send flowers? Just because he's a bloke and not with his partner doesn't make him any the less bereaved.

A card saying exactly what you've said here - that you can't imagine pain he must be in, and you can't find the right words to say what you want, but are thinking of him and there for him.

BTW as a really lovely employer it might be worth letting his line manager know and popping something in the diary so you can pro actively ask if he would like the anniversary day off or something next year- he'll cry all over you but that touch would be hugely appreciated- a year down the line "everyone else forgets" especially if he isn't with the mum of the baby, but the parents don't.

YY to what Theas18 said about the anniversary next year, but also the due date next month will be very painful for him.