mc and wedding: will I be able to go?

[funthatisfunny]

I am due to mc any time, I am cramping but have had no spotting yet, my body is only very slowly giving up my little ghost. I reckon I might mc next weekend or after.

I have a wedding to go to three weeks today... will I be able to go do you think? If I mc next weekend would i be able to go 2 weeks after or would i still be bleeding/cramping/passing surprise clots? It is 7 hours away by car, and we will have to stay away in a hotel or at a friend's house after seeing MIL and family to drop DS off for the weekend :(

I love this friend, and everyone knows we are mc'ing. I have been seeing it as a way of putting all this shite behind us. but if it isn't behind us, well, it isn't. Would I be able to drink, to dance and be normal? Or will I be awkward, terrified of leaking in my dress and dizzy after one sip and desperate to be home?

Thank you for listening. This is a huge wedding and of a dear friend I never get to see. it was something positive on the horizon. And now, maybe I shouldn't go and should let them know soon to be polite. I really wanted to go to see my SIL's baby soon too, but guess that will have to wait too - the idea of mc'ing at my MIL's house is horrific.

God this limbo shit is annoying! Oh to mc and say goodbye to this stage in my life. thanks for listening and please let me know your advice, I would be so grateful xx

[funthatisfunny]

sorry to sound trite, I know a wedding is the last of anyone's concerns and it makes me seem shallow. It's just, this is my life and my plans and I have nothing, nothing in it at the moment apart from this miscarriage. I just want to be normal and not that miscarrying person any more :( If I shouldn;t go, I guess I would like to come to terms with it asap so it isn't another thing to feel shit about.

thanks, again.

[RubyrooUK]

Sorry to hear your sad news.

Everyone is different so it's hard to say. How far along are you? When I started having a mc at around 6 weeks, I bled for about 10 days. And I did feel hormonal and upset for longer than that.

But due to the fact that I had literally just got a new job (the pregnancy was a shock) I went to work all the way through. So physically apart from bleeding like a heavy period most of the time, I was ok. I wouldn't recommend going to work while miscarrying necessarily, but physically I was up to it.

I went away two weeks later to stay with some friends and I did have a good time. Although I had a couple of mental wobbles (one friend was pregnant and we talked about kids a lot), I was happy to move on with life as I would dwell on it whenever alone. It made me remember life has good bits too when I laughed with my friends.

Hopefully someone else will have more useful advice. But if you want to go, I'd assume you can unless things change in some way.

[CMOTDibbler]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Its sort of impossible to know how you will feel tbh - its a very individual thing.
But a week after a mc, you should be able to go to a wedding. Once it starts, you are normally only passing clots etc for a couple of days, then it settles down.

[funthatisfunny]

Thank you ladies! I am so grateful for your insights and experiences. I have a blighted ovum so it never got past 4/5 weeks though the placenta bit kept growing. Drs won't help me for another 10 days which means I would have been waiting for 3 weeks to mc. I am supposed to be nearly 9 weeks pg now. I have turned everything down for fear of mc and is getting me down.

I dunno about going, it is soooo far away and we will be away from home for a week - what if it came back while i was away. And my body isn't giving this 'baby' (gestational sac) up yet! but then again, ruby you are so right and I might have an laugh(miracles) and it might take me out of myself a bit. I shall just have to play it by ear and let them down at the lst minute I guess. Maybe if we get a b and b within walking distance of the venue so I can slope off if I want to (like we were going to because of the pregnancy :() Arg this bloody shitty shit shit!

[Back2Two]

Fun, I am in the same situation of my body slowly letting this pregnancy go. (if you remember any threads from unexpected3 that was me). It's been 6 days since first tiny bit of blood and just some cramps this morning which have stopped now. It's a difficult place to be, this awful limbo, but I decided positively against any other route so I'll just have to trust this way. I feel the hormonal changes and the mental adjustment is more "natural" maybe this way.

Sorry, I sort o f can't help with your question but I'd say, if it was me now, I'd be expecting/planning to go and believing I could go because it'll help with the low mood and sort of detachment from normal social life that I feel. I'm avoiding some social situations at the moment as I instinctively feel I should just take things easy, but if I let myself retreat too far and miss out on important and memorable events such as this wedding you talk about, you'll look back with even more grief and sadness?

[Back2Two]

Sorry, to clarify what i meant . ... I mean I had first bit of blood 6 days ago, then finally some cramps this morning but nothing more. I still have the whole miscarriage to come.

[BreeVanDerTramp]

Sorry this is happening, it is shit

When I m/c at 10 weeks I went to a wedding a week later, after initial massive blood loss it was just like a normal period, I went back to work 2 days later. I did enjoy the wedding but didn't drink as had already agreed to drive before m/c. No one knew though so a bit easier that way.

It must be awful waiting, I wasn't expecting to m/c are am so grateful I was at home when it happened, had been at hairdressers an hour before.

[Back2Two]

I think you're right about getting yourself a nice b&b or hotel? Nearby and just do as much as you can or want to do of the wedding thing.

[BreeVanDerTramp]

Sorry I should have said I went back to work straight away and 'got on with things' as I felt okay, however my body had other ideas and two weeks later I was floored with a viral infection for a week. Couldn't get out of bed, so I do think it's important to rest and recover.

[FoofFighter]

Funny, go. You can't put your life on hold x

Take your "kit" with you (is DH still in that drawer?)
Maybe think about what you are going to wear, you will want something comfy, loose maybe, possibly darker colours for confidence? Lots of pads and big pants, your notes etc

If your friends know what's going on you have no worries about explaining if you have to sneak off.

[FoofFighter]

Dark towels for the hotel bed, or those potty training pad things?

[jodidi]

I would go too. But like Foof says take towels etc for the bed if you haven't mc already by then. Life has to go on. I would be ready to go out today I think and it's exactly 1 week since my mc. I'm about to go to church, and that's probably going to be the hardest place for me right now, as last week 5 people at church guessed about the pg, then I started to mc while we were all having coffee afterwards. Now I have to go back and tell people about it :(

[EssexWelsh]

I went to a wedding on Thursday, day 2 of mc and massively passing clots, should not have gone but exactly the same, was a best friend and couldn't miss it. And I am really glad I went. Wore a red dress, like James Bond sussed out the nearest exit and toilet at every stage of the wedding, was going every 20 mins to check all ok and remove any clots (sorry if tmi), sat on napkin at lunch and OH drunk my drinks for me as no one knew about pregnancy or mc.

Do go, I had 5 hour car journey on day 1,sat on bin liner and towel in car, it's not ideal, but just take it easy and you'll be fine. I did dance to one song as dragged up by the girls and did feel dizzy after that so sat down and then left early, but really glad I went.

[funthatisfunny]

thanks for your advices :) I feel cared about and looked after, thank you.

Am having a wobbly day today. keep crying over nothing! I miss my little ghostie baby. aw. Am glad am in company with the natural way back. I think, I THINK, I may be starting to get a hint of brown blood which would be very exciting. (gosh the things that float my boat at the mo). As it is I cramp almost constantly and am nearly always on paracetomol for it.

I don't think I could go if I haven't miscarried yet jo, my life is carrying on as best I can but there are definite boundaries... 7 hours in a car with a toddler to arrive at MIL's house (we get on ok but are not really close or anything), then travel 2 hours up north with DH's friends, then wedding day, then back south to get DS and socialise with our southern contingent, plus MIL (she rubs me up the wrong way after a day or two!) then back home... i couldn't do that if I were mc'ing, I just can't. I freak out after a trip to asda atm (don't know why, think other people being 'normal' makes me feel even more ghostly and weird). If I have already mc'ed - which I expect to, then I shall expect to go! You have all inspired me, chin up and look forward and that. I shall get a b and b close by and partake as much as I want, good idea back. I shall wear a fabulous lovely dress, even if I do have giant pants on underneath :) Celebrate life, new beginnings and love.

EW you are super cool! I would probably make that effort if the wedding was of one of my bezzies - and they could look after me too - as it is they are lovely friends I love but not quite that close ;0)
thanks again ladies x

[VivClicquot]

Fun, so sorry that you're going through this. I lost a baby eight days before my own wedding and despite it being a very emotional day, my husband and I have nothing but amazing memories of our day. I was really worried I wouldn't enjoy it, and also that the bleeding would cause issues with my dress, but in the end I managed not to dwell on it too much and my bleeding was minor by then.

I definitely think you should go - especially as your friends all know anyway. Better to be surrounded by people who love you, and who can lend you a hug and an ear if you start to feel sad, than brooding at home on the sofa. :)

[funthatisfunny]

thanks viv, you are quite right. Though, sadly, they aren't 'my' friends, more DH's (men!) and probably won't look me in the eye for the first half hour but... it will be nice to talk/think about something else, they are really lovely people and the day looks like it will be spectacular :)

Can't believe you had an mc just before your wedding, that is rubbish.

[pipsicles]

Funny, I think you should go! Can you find a good reflexologist in your area (you said you are south - not Kent by any chance?) I've already posted somewhere else and am going to update my own thread about my experience at the weekend, but I had a reflexology treatment on Saturday and four hours after that, the 'main event' (as Foof called it) was all over. As you are willing to embrace the natural route, it might be worth a shot? My bleeding was quite big on the evening after it happened, but I think my cervix was still quite open. Now I have next to no bleeding and am probably actually going to go to work tomorrow...

Do what feels right to you, but I just wanted to pass on what I found useful, especially as I know exactly how you are feeling as I was so desperate to 'get on with it' and feel 'normal' (I think that might still take a little longer btw!) if you're anything like me, you might find yourself feeling 'happy' (for want of a better word), when it finally starts. I actually felt very calm and peaceful.

Lots of love and thoughts to you and I hope it is over soon - you've had a rough ride. xxx

[Back2Two]

Hi fun how are things today?
I know what you mean about feeling strangely glad to see blood...I was "pleased" to have some properly painful cramps yesterday. Things are moving here a bit now so thats's nearly two weeks since the scan. I wouldn't have had Erpc until Friday just gone anyway and in the end I just couldn't face that option. I have actually felt strangely sort of peaceful and calm for the past couple of days.

If this way continues as it is at present it will be bearable (in all ways, pain and practical and emotional). I hope the same for you too fun.

For me, it's the end of the baby road as I won't try again. This baby has taught me so much though it'll never be forgotten and always have a little part in our family. I'll never think of miscarriage in the same way ever again . What women go through.........

Sorry to have sort of hijacked. I really hope you get to go the wedding and that the next few months bring happy news for you xx

[funthatisfunny]

arf i didn't have any spotting in the end:(. I do think it is coming on VEEERY slowly, my CM looks a bit ahem, different to usual although obvs have to watch in case is infection? Am really dizzy today, even in bed this morning - what could this mean? hopefully it means my body is gearing up for something. am knackered as if I have been really ill, just need to lie down a lot.

Am not South, every bugger else we know is though pip, we are very north :) Am not really into reflexology etc as am generally loathsome of being touched by peeps (hairdressers are an ordeal hehe!) I don't know ;0)

I will never think of mc is the same way either back. Am not feeling very zen today, just really sad and missing little ghosty baby. Am not finding it all that bearable tbh. Feel dreadful, lots of pressure from Dh and work to be normal and am feeling bit low and useless for feeling this affected actually. not very 'fun'.

Am off to make a cup of tea and eat some choccy and try and cheer up.
thanks peeps. x

[jodidi]

fun it is absolutely ok to not be 'normal'. I've been very sad for over a week and keep beating myself up for it, even though I know it's normal in the circumstances.

back I'm glad you are coping with it all. This really is a learning experience isn't it.

[pipsicles]

Ah, fun. I'm sorry to hear you're not feeling happy today, but I really don't blame you - it is so difficult to just be waiting. I think it is unfair of work to be pressuring you to be 'normal', but it's a shame DH is doing the same. Perhaps it's his way of dealing with it?

I completely understand about the touching thing - I know a couple of people who are exactly the same! It might be worth a thought though if you get really desperate?!

I hope the chocolate helped you cheer up!

Love, support, thoughts (and hugs if you want them) as always. x