I'm in limbo and feeling sad

[pipsicles]

I've read quite a few threads on this forum, so know that I am not alone, but hoped it might me help to share with others going through the same thing.

After a panic at the weekend, I had an emergency scan arranged for yesterday afternoon and found that my 10wk old fetus was actually a 5wk old foetal pole :( I am away from home until Friday, visiting the in laws with DH and DS, which is making things difficult as I still need to ring my hospital and let them know what has happened. I've been told that a second scan would be required before any medical intervention could take place, but am desperately hoping that it will happen naturally before that.

Like many others, I'm finding that the horrible part at the moment is waiting in limbo for things to start. I'm hoping that knowing is going to phsycologically kick start things, and I have had a few more cramps since I found out, but still nothing appearing and even the spotting I'd been experiencing keeps coming and going.

I'm a bit scared about what it is going to be like - I read another co(ex)November dubies mc thread over the weekend to 'prepare' myself and was shocked to see that a miscarriage is not just a heavy period I am now really glad I did.

DH is being amazingly supportive, as are his parents, and although sad, we feel at peace about it all. I kind of knew that all wasn't well pretty early on. I knew I was pg pretty much the day I conceived, and then about a week after my BFP, started panicking about a mmc. I didn't feel the same bond that I had with DS and now I know why. Having my 14mo DS to come home to after our horrible news has really helped and made me feel so lucky. Ultimately, I am already a mother, which was always my dream. I also have lots of supportive friends in RL and am lucky to have one friend in particular who is amazing and sat and listened to me for an hour last night and we cried and we laughed and it made me feel so much better. Plus, my mum experienced exactly the same thing when I was 11, so she knows how I feel, but she had a dnc straight away, so didn't have limbo I have now.

I know it's difficult to say anything - it's shit that we have to go through this, but any advice or personal experiences would be appreciated. The shittiest thing for me is that I have developed a bump very early and look about as big as I was at about 18wks last time :(

poor pip so sad to see you here lovey x

I'd really recommend having a read through some of the other threads on this board to give you an idea of what to expect (other than mine) as everybody's is different and some people do say it's like a heavy period, unfortunately you'll never know what kind you are going to have until it's happening

I know you've got some stuff together ready for it, have you decided what to do about work next week yet? Can you go home early maybe just to be in your own surroundings?

hugs for you, DH and your family x

Thanks Foof.

Unfortunately, we bought a car whilst away and are picking it up on Friday, so we can't leave before then. I'm sure it will be okay though.

I am going to email my Headteacher later on today to let her know what has happened. I hadn't told her anything before the holidays - it just didn't feel right. With DS, I told them at 7wks- it just did feel right! I think I am going to have to take at least Monday and Tuesday off next week - Wednesday and friday are days of for me anyway, so if I'm ready, I'll aim to go in on Thursday. I dont think they'll be very happy, as this is a very important time of year, but they'll just have to bet on with it! This seems to be going quite slowly for me, I'd rather hoped things would have started by now, and I don't feel happy working before it's happened - could you imagine standing in front of a room full of teenagers when it starts?!

How did your scan go this morning? Sorry if you've already posted somewhere else.

Thanks for your continued support - you are amazing! :)

All clear apparently. not impressed with treatment but won't hijack x

Have you thought more about maybe going for the surgical/pill induced options rather than waiting? i've read of people who had to wait about a month for it to start, I can't imagine being in that awful limbo for that long!

have just peeked on nov thread, looks like another 2 gone

Hi pipsicles, I'm so sorry you are going through this.
I know exactly what you mean about having a bump and it being awful. I had a large bump and people were quessing already, so loads more people knew about the pregnancy than I want to share a miscarriage with.

I don't know what your mc will be like, but I had one 3 years ago at 5 weeks and it was just like a bit heavier period. I hadn't even known I was pregnant. This time though I was 12 weeks and it was nothing like just a heavy period. I hope that you get an 'easy' mc, if there is such a thing.

I've pretty much decided I'm not going to work next week, even though I have already had my mc and will have had a week to start getting over it. I don't want to go back into the classroom until I know I'm not going to burst into tears in the middle of a lesson.

Sorry to see you here pip.

Limbo is shit. Am nearly at the end of my journey, and whereas I thought today would be the saddest of all days (scan tomorrow to see empty sac again) actually I am rather upbeat. Limbo is the worst, tomorrow I shall know for sure and even if it is the worst news (it will be, symptoms gone today and v crampy) it is action. I am going to get the medication as I would only ever have got to 4/5 weeks along and really hope it will just be a heavy painful period as not much to 'pass' so to speak. I too have been getting a bigger bump and even in maternity jeans even though I know there is nothing there :( Is utterly awful and I feel my body is laughing at me; I really feel for you.

As for work, can you not get a sicknote to stay off thurs too? I can't go far from home in case it 'starts' - let alone school?! Heck missus.

As for preparing, have you read the tips thread below? It is fab and got me all prepared with a wee 'mc' kit for when it kicks off -magazine, tons of pads, naff pants. Have a look, it helped me feel more in control and hope it will you too.

I completely empathise with your feelings re: the pregnancy. For DS I had us booked into NCT classes by 5 weeks I was so happily, confidently pregnant ;) This time I have been utterly paranoid about mmc, as if I knew. I also do not feel I can 'hear' this one, like it is silent where before I could feel my DS's personality (very gentle and kind, just as he is! had him pegged as a girl he was such a softy; very sexist!).

Am glad you are being looked after, and agree that it is hard work doing the 'admin' side of letting people, hospitals etc know.

Please get a sick note for a week and stay home and look after yourself.

take care chuck x

Hi op, so sorry you are going through this :( I miscarried when the fetal pole measured 5 weeks 3 days. Should have been 9 weeks. I waited to see if things would naturally start. From the day I started spotting, it took a full ten days of going from light to heavy spotting. I had some cramps but it wasn't worse than heavy period cramps. I also had pains in the tops of my legs and down the back of them which I believe is meant to be because of uterine contractions. Ten days after the spotting I passed what was about an inch or so long 'clot' with no pain. That was the sac. Almost immediately the bleeding died down and stopped about four days later.

Emotionally it was awful but physically it was not overly painful. I know not all early miscarriages are the same but I hope the above helps in some way with knowing roughly what to expect.

The one positive thing I would say about my not having a medical miscarriage, was that I chose to bury the sac in my garden and planted sunflowers.

I hope you won't have to wait too long in limbo and whether it is medical or spontaneous, that it will be as straight forward as possible. x

Thanks for your advice, ladies. My in laws took us out for dinner this evening whilst BiL babysat. They were trying to help us feel better, I know, but I hadn't even considered how difficult trying to be normal when surrounded by people would be! Seeing chicken on the menu made me cry because it was all I could eat to help with my 'morning sickness' for a while and then when I went up to the ladies, just knowing that I look pg (probably more to myself than anyone else in the top I managed to choose), but seeing pink on the toilet roll and in my underwear was heartbreaking :( I think things may have stepped up a teeny tiny gear tonight and I know my emotions are going to go all over the place all over again :(

I think I will get some medical management on Monday if things don't seem to have 'completed' - that will be my earliest opportunity anyway. I'd really like to do something with my sac if I see it, but we are not even living in our own home at the moment, so that might be a bit more difficult. I think I'll plant something in her memory when we finally move into our own place. In the meantime, I'm going to get the singing pony I bought her (when she was actually alive :() out again and leave her on display in DS's room.

Off to try and get some sleep. I hope you're okay after your scan tomorrow fun. Make sure you update.

Much love to all and hope you're all coping okay. Thanks again for your support.

xxx

Aw pip, that's a sad post. I hope you are ok. is a sad time, do let yourself deal with it properly (which it sounds like you are).

Worst thing for me is having to talk about my crappy uterus issues all nonchalently with my very male, elderly academic boss. He is sweet but it is so embarrassing! Am glad to be home and hiding my bump under a huge jumper and wearing trackies. no more pretending ;0)

we'll be ok chuck xx

Right, I thought I'd update as I benefitted so much from others kindly sharing their experiences and wanted to repay the favour to anyone else who may now be finding themselves in the same shitty situation I was in this time last week :(

After nearly a week of suspecting, waiting, sadness, grief and general emotional roller coasters, I finally managed to get down south and back 'home' to my parents place on Saturday. My mum had arranged for her (brilliant!) reflexologist to do a home visit, which is not normal for him, but he kindly came and worked wonders! Within an hour of him leaving, I was having contractions and passing clots and within four hours, it was all over! I would definitely recommend reflex to anyone wanting to stop playing the waiting game.

I had had a lot of time to think about what I wanted my experience to be and had very definitely opted for a natural passing as far as possible. I had also decided that I wanted to see my 'baby' if possible, although was prepared for anything to happen. As it was, my experience was much like Foof's - I had intense contractions and was very definitely in labour. I also took the strongest co-codamols you can get and had a heat pack etc and also found that it did nothing to touch the pain. I know I got to the point where when in labour with DS, I had my tens machine on. I felt thankful that I had been in labour before and coped well with it then, because it really helped me feel strangely calm and in control. Some of the clots I did pass were quite large, but reading other people's experiences ahead of time meant I wasn't overly shocked by this. The most distressing part for me was the fact that I was in labour and I knew it was all in vain.

Finally, I felt the definite need to sit on the toilet again and this time passed something very big and immediately my contractions stopped and I felt remarkably 'better'. I was lucky that DH was with me at this stage as we deliberated about what to do. I had tried to catch 'it' in toilet paper, but it was too big and fell out the back of my hand. The water was too red for me to make anything out, other than slightly different shades and I found it difficult to really see anything. In the end, I plucked up the guts to scoop it out (sorry!) and in my hand was what was definitely the sac and what I believe to be placenta (a nurse told me it couldn't be at that age (5wks), but I'm certain it was and that it had carried on growing after she had died). I sat there, in front of the toilet bowl, looking and crying and talking to my baby. Even DH came and joined me. It was a very emotional moment and I was surprised to feel so much relief in addition to the obvious sadness.

My parents were happy for us to bury her under the olive tree in their garden that we dedicated to DS at his naming ceremony in the summer. I hate the thought that she is out there in the cold on her own, but I also love the fact that she hasn't been wasted and that she is providing nutrients to her big brother's tree. We have called her Poppy, because that was how big she was when we found out about her and the name just seemed right. We thanked her for being in our lives, even though it was for such a short time, and that evening we raised a glass to her.

DH very rarely cries, but when we were in bed, he said that had been the most difficult day of them all for him. I guess they don't have the same emotional attachment we do because although I found it physically difficult, I felt more of a release, but had had serious emotional difficulties earlier in the week (see last post!) I was glad he told me that though because it really made me feel we were in it together, which is so important at times like these.

I'm sorry about the length of this post, but I appreciated being able to prepare myself with the advice and experiences of other wonderful women here so much that I felt I had to try and give something back. This really has been the most amazingly supportive forum I've ever been on and I know for a fact that without your help, I would have been extremely scared.

I wish anyone else going through this all the love and support they could possibly need and my biggest advice is to grieve - in whatever way suits you best

Right, I thought I'd update as I benefitted so much from others kindly sharing their experiences and wanted to repay the favour to anyone else who may now be finding themselves in the same shitty situation I was in this time last week :(

After nearly a week of suspecting, waiting, sadness, grief and general emotional roller coasters, I finally managed to get down south and back 'home' to my parents place on Saturday. My mum had arranged for her (brilliant!) reflexologist to do a home visit, which is not normal for him, but he kindly came and worked wonders! Within an hour of him leaving, I was having contractions and passing clots and within four hours, it was all over! I would definitely recommend reflex to anyone wanting to stop playing the waiting game.

I had had a lot of time to think about what I wanted my experience to be and had very definitely opted for a natural passing as far as possible. I had also decided that I wanted to see my 'baby' if possible, although was prepared for anything to happen. As it was, my experience was much like Foof's - I had intense contractions and was very definitely in labour. I also took the strongest co-codamols you can get and had a heat pack etc and also found that it did nothing to touch the pain. I know I got to the point where when in labour with DS, I had my tens machine on. I felt thankful that I had been in labour before and coped well with it then, because it really helped me feel strangely calm and in control. Some of the clots I did pass were quite large, but reading other people's experiences ahead of time meant I wasn't overly shocked by this. The most distressing part for me was the fact that I was in labour and I knew it was all in vain.

Finally, I felt the definite need to sit on the toilet again and this time passed something very big and immediately my contractions stopped and I felt remarkably 'better'. I was lucky that DH was with me at this stage as we deliberated about what to do. I had tried to catch 'it' in toilet paper, but it was too big and fell out the back of my hand. The water was too red for me to make anything out, other than slightly different shades and I found it difficult to really see anything. In the end, I plucked up the guts to scoop it out (sorry!) and in my hand was what was definitely the sac and what I believe to be placenta (a nurse told me it couldn't be at that age (5wks), but I'm certain it was and that it had carried on growing after she had died). I sat there, in front of the toilet bowl, looking and crying and talking to my baby. Even DH came and joined me. It was a very emotional moment and I was surprised to feel so much relief in addition to the obvious sadness.

My parents were happy for us to bury her under the olive tree in their garden that we dedicated to DS at his naming ceremony in the summer. I hate the thought that she is out there in the cold on her own, but I also love the fact that she hasn't been wasted and that she is providing nutrients to her big brother's tree. We have called her Poppy, because that was how big she was when we found out about her and the name just seemed right. We thanked her for being in our lives, even though it was for such a short time, and that evening we raised a glass to her.

DH very rarely cries, but when we were in bed, he said that had been the most difficult day of them all for him. I guess they don't have the same emotional attachment we do because although I found it physically difficult, I felt more of a release, but had had serious emotional difficulties earlier in the week (see last post!) I was glad he told me that though because it really made me feel we were in it together, which is so important at times like these.

I'm sorry about the length of this post, but I appreciated being able to prepare myself with the advice and experiences of other wonderful women here so much that I felt I had to try and give something back. This really has been the most amazingly supportive forum I've ever been on and I know for a fact that without your help, I would have been extremely scared.

I wish anyone else going through this all the love and support they could possibly need and my biggest advice is to grieve - in whatever way suits you best

Sorry for double post

aw pip x

Just seen this pip, sending you both big hugs x that moment you describe, crying by the toilet, looking at your baby mmm yes, very very painful and the most difficult thing I've ever had to do.

How are you both getting on now?

Thank you Foof. We are doing okay. I went to work yesterday and taught one lesson and spoke to my department about what happened, then I've had today off, as usual, and then I'm going to try and stay in the whole day tomorrow and teach three lessons. We'll see...

I had a lovely therapeutic day with a good friend who had a mc before her DD a couple of years ago and it was 'lovely' to share stories and know that I'm not the only person feeling this way and that it is fine to be like that.

I know I've said it before, but thank you SO much for all your help, advice and support over this last week or so. I keep telling all my RL friends how wonderful you've been and I can honestly say that there is no way I would have coped with it all as well as I have if it hadn't been for you. To people who think that mumsnet is just a place for women to rant and moan about stuff and get on their moral high horses, I say YOU ARE WRONG! I would never have met anyone in exactly the same position as me who was willing to share their experience in RL, so thank you (I wish I could send you some real ones!)

I hope you are both okay too.

Ach, we're just all bumbling along together and supporting one another in the best way we can xx it's very therapeutic for my own recovery I think too. And you are right, Mumsnet isn't just the nest of vipers that it is it is said to be :)

I've had a "good" few days then today didn't start too well and just stayed in bed all day really. Taking it slow and thankful I've not had work to get through! I really don't know how you all do it

Hi pip, I was so sad to read about your miscarriage, it brings back memories of my own. There is no mistaking the sac and I am glad you got to have it and bury your lost baby. I know it helped me a lot with my 'sunflower' baby as I call it.

I went on to buy a little glass heart shaped pendant with two real minature sunflowers inside. I don't know if there is something similar you could do or want to do but it comforted me.

I am also glad you shared your story. I think a lot of people think early miscarriages are not so terrible, that there isn't really anything to see and so on. But it is a labour and you do lose a baby, albeit a tiny one. You also lose the dreams you had for your unborn baby. If more people were aware of the above, perhaps there would be less dismissing of such a painful event.

I hope you are bearing up okay and wish you all the best x