Just want to sob but it won't come out.

[foxymoron]

I had a mmc in January after ttc for a year. This was our first month trying again. I have no children and turn 32 next week. I've been up and down. To make things worse there is a woman in my office who for years made. Point of saying how she hates children and 'doesn't see the point of them'. Last month I found out she is due the same time I was so I have a daily visible reminder of what I would have looked like had I not lost my baby.

Im on day 29 of my cycle today and started spotting at work. I knew I wasn't pg as there were no sore boobs like I had last time. I feel so broken and bitter. I feel like I've left it too late to have any dc and I will always be the sad old cow in the corner who doesn't have a life. I hate my life. I feel so resentful over hat happened. I'm a nice person. I wanted this so much i did every thing i ould to get pg nd to look after my baby. Why did this have to happen to me????? :(

dear foxy, I didn't want to read and run. Poor you - going through a mc and then having the office child-catcher be pg for your due date, it must be so hard.

Sorry to hear about the spotting today too. But you've not left it too late, 32 is no age these days. I'm not going to trot out the "at least you know you cans" and the "it wasn't meant to bes" because you've probably heard them a million times. But you can't keep asking "why me?" because, well, it IS just one of those things, and it happened to happen to you. It happened to me too. I don't know why either. But I know it wasn't my fault, and I know it wasn't YOUR fault, either. So be kind to yourself, it's normal to feel dreadful and crap and as though everything will be terrible for ever. But it won't. Honest. It just looks that way now because AF has landed.

I really hope you feel better soon [unmumsnetty hugs]

reading your op is like looking in a mirror. I'm 34 next month, mc two weeks ago. as you one of my colleagues is pregnant and whilst i wish her all the best, the reminder of what i've lost isn't easy.
Like you i did everything that was recommended, took vitamins, etc...
The unfortunate truth is that there isn't a reason. you have been pregnant, you probably will be again. and hopefully have a beautiful healthy baby.
You haven't left it too late. feel free to offload on the boards, i found it helped me.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Just as a positive story, I didn't think I could have kids and then (aged 36) I fell PG with DS and 13 months later, along came DD.

I'd pretty much given up all hope of having kids. And I was older than you.

As Dory would say 'just keep swimming, just keep swimming'

Foxy - there is no explanation or reason for what happened - and if there was we wouldn't accept it because it just isn't fair. YOu have not left it too late though, there are women getting pregnant naturally who are at least 15 years older than you. Time IS still on your side. I hope it happens for you and dh soon.

I'm afraid it's just one of those things. Miscarriage happens in an estimated 1 in 5 pregnancies, so it's very, very common. It's also very unlikely that you did anything wrong - miscarriage just happens when something isn't quite right and it's devastating, but usually it's just nature's way of ensuring that most babies that make it to birth are as healthy as they can be. It still sucks though and for it to happen to your first pregnancy after trying for a year must have been devastating.

You're emphatically NOT too old. I hardly know anyone who didn't have their family in their 30s and I know several people who've had babies in their 40s. I didn't start trying for my first baby until I was 33 and my second child was born when I was 37, so please don't worry about your age.

So take good care of yourself, keep fit, keep your weight within a healthy range and have lots of sex and hopefully before long you'll be staring at another BFP. You have lots of time - really.

Thank you all so so much for your replies. They brought tears to my eyes. My DH is out for the evening at a business meeting and I've been feeling so low I didn't know how I would get through the evening without getting myself into a complete state. Your lovely comments have helped me to see things with a bit more clarity and have given me hope so thank you all very much for your kind responses x

Foxy - please keep posting if you are on your own. We are all about.

xx

I have just been through the same thing and everyone seems to be pregnant but me. I just can't believe what has happened. I went to the doctors and mentioned concern about my age (30) and she said I was a spring chicken and that the average age to start where I live is 35. You will get there.

I'm 33 and do not think I am too old and plan for two more children :) We will be a-ok!

Sorry about your colleague, that must be tough. You sound so down I am worried, please come on here to chat if you need an ear or somewhere to vent.

MC does not happen for a 'reason'; goodness and badness is utterly immaterial. Nature - you - have protected your baby from developing when it would not have been able to survive. This is amazing - completely sad and shit - but amazing. Your body, and you, ultimately, protected your child as any mother has to. As a mother you would always selflessly take the illness, the grief or disability unto yourself and away from your child if you could; this is what is happening now. Even though you desperately wish they could live, they cannot and did not and you as a mother will take the brunt of this consequence. This feeling is all part of mothering. Hmmm... I don't know if that makes any sense but it does help me.

I also find that having gone through this I realise what my friends went through with theirs; it makes me understand the world in fuller colour and complexity. Also, most importanty, I cannot be jealous of other people's happy pregnancies because often you do not know what journey they took to get there. Not many people will know of my mc (about 5) but, of course, a lot will know about my ensuing happy pregnancies (fingers crossed) because it is there for all to see.

This is long and I hope it is not preachy. I wanted to share some of the positive stuff I am trying to take out of this shit and let you know that it can, and will, be ok for you one day.

x

to claridy - about 5 people know of my mc, not 5 mc's x

fun, what you said about it all being a part of mothering - I'd never thought of it that way before. Thank you.

I wasn't sure if I should say it, am glad you took comfort from it lady.

I feel so strongly that to mc is seen as the opposite of being pregnant when actually they are two sides of the same coin. Nurturing life that ultimately dies is not a lesser task than nurturing the life that lives. It is harder and tests our mettle as mothers. It is in nurture and love that we mother and are mothers, not in simply giving life. To every child we conceive and love, we are mothers, and in their death and in our suffering we are mothering.

here endeth... :)
x

Hello.
Miscarriage is so disheartening, and for those with no children particularly hard. But like other posters have said, it IS very very common, and nothing about what you have or haven't done. As for getting pg, early 30's is not to old, nothing like it, now or ever. It's only since contraception came in that people have been choosing when to have their babies, before then women were mothers into their mid 40s and beyond (yes I have read call the midwife). Anyway, please don't lose heart and stay strong and keep trying. Good luck to all of you / us!

Fun - so sorry to hear your bad news, I admire your positive attitude. Thinking of you xx

fun that is very true - I like that x