feeling so angry at my friends

[sunshinealwaysfollowstherain]

I just wanted to get something off my chest which is making me very angry and upset.....

I had an ectopic a couple of days ago and am home now after op to remove the pregnancy and tube. I have a close group of friends who all texted lovely messages and asked if they could do anything. I said "yes, come and see me please" but only 2 of them have come. The others all have things on so say they can't. I know life is busy and some have kids, some work etc but they've always gone on about being there for eachother and now i feel i've asked for help it's too much hassle. I feel devastated for the loss of my baby, part of my future fertility but also for the fact that it seems my friends don't care enough to make the effort to come and see me at what is the ONLY time i have really asked for help.... Feeling so upset about it all and so lonely. I guess the only people I can depend on are DH and DParents. I'm so sad.

Has anyone else ever felt like this or do you all have better friends than me??!

no-one :(

I don't have many friends so can't judge their standard

Just wanted you to know you weren't being ignored.

I'm sorry

I'm sorry for your loss So sorry you're feeling like this, it wasn't much use of them to ask if you needed anything then not follow through.

I'm sure it doesn't mean they don't care, maybe some of them are busier than you might imagine and are planning to come and see you asap. Hope they do come and see you soon x

Hello Sunshine. Some of them probably don't really know what to say to you. They might feel a bit awkward about it, which is their problem, not yours. I remember when IVF didn't work for us people became very strange and avoided the subject. On a positive note, don't worry too much about your fertility. I got pregnant with only one tube and now have DS (after IVF failing twice:) ) Get well soon and take it easy x

I'm so sorry for your loss.

This happened to me too and I just don't think that people register what a big thing it is either emotionally or physically. A few weeks after mine one of my best friends had invited me over to see her and another good friend who was staying. I struggled over only to find that she had invited loads of other people including one who was 8 months pregnant. I don't know how I got through the evening.

Now she is a really sweet person generally and kind; but she clearly just did not get how upset I was. Don't give up on your friends: they will probably come to understand in time

oh thank you for replying ladies....

i just feel really really pissed off with them and let down. Maybe they don't know what to say but we've been friends so long i at least thought they'd try...

vix - how long did it take you to feel physically 'normal' after your ectopic?

Oh you poor love :(

Maybe they don't know what to say? I had a really hard time with some of my friends when I miscarried and some of them are friends no longer.

Hold onto the fact that two of your friends have come to see you. Would you feel comfortable contacting your other friends again, perhaps to arrange a specific time to get together?

Hi Patti - you're right, maybe they don't know what to say but we've been friends 20 years so you'd have thought they could try! The 2 ladies who came to see me are relatively 'new' friends who i've only known 2yrs!

I don't feel comfortable contacting them again TBH. I know this might sound harsh but i just feel like "oh fuck you then. fuck off and fuck off and don't bother handling anything that doesn't fit in with your perfect life". I'm not a needy friend and don't ever ask for help and the one time i do it's too much hassle for them. They are really nice people, honestly. But i am so upset about this. I always thought my friends would be there for me no matter what but when shit comes to shove it turns out that's just not true :(

Patti - what happened with your friends after your m/c if you don't mind me asking?

Of course I don't mind - I brought it up. :) TBH, the two that got dumped were ones who I'd been friends with for 20 years too. They told me that I should get over it, that I shouldn't try to get pregnant again, and that I was angry with them, not because they were being dictatorial and really unsupportive but because one of the two of them had DC and I didn't, and it was all about jealousy (not true - I have other friends with DC). They just didn't get it and didn't understand that I was angry because they were frankly not very kind to me when I really needed them.

It was pretty hard in a lot of ways but the whole experience made me realise who my friends really were. And those women, despite the fact that we had been friends for so long, weren't actually there for me when I needed them. And maybe the reason we were still friends was that we had been friends for so long rather than anything more substantial.

Sorry, that's a bit of a ramble, but I hope it helps.

Sorry to hear about your ectopic :(

I think to be fair you only had the op a couple of days ago. There's every chance your friends do intend to visit you, and have actually been a bit busy for the last couple of days (it is mid week after all).

Maybe they don't think there's any immediate urgency to visit you as you'll be recovering and you have your DP and family for support, but are planning in coming round at the weekend or some time very soon.

Oh my dear, I'm so sorry about what's happened to you. I think the first few days are the worst because your hormone levels are plummeting and you're suffering emotional shock and grief, and it all just leaves you exhausted and upset about all sorts of things. To be honest, unless they've experienced something similar, they probably won't have understood how important their visit would have been to you. Like Jen said, they probably feel a bit awkward too. And the weekend probably d

And the weekend probably doesn't seem that far away to them, because they won't appreciate how time can get a bit stretched out in the immediate aftermath.

Give your friends a chance. They may be very busy or not understand what you have gone through if they haven't been through it .

I do understand though . I had a MMC at 9 weeks and was devastated . My closest friend at that time told me that it was natural and anything natural was good . Not sure if it made sense in his head, but I couldn't bring myself to speak with him again . He also didn't follow up in asking how I was . A year on I feel sad he hasn't met my DD, and do wonder whether to text him . However , it brought me closer to a more distant friend .

Look after yourself and chat things through with those around you who are offering support . It took me along time , even after getting pregnant again to feel at peace with the lose.

Unfortunately they aren't planning on coming at the weekend either. I didn't expect them to visit immediately, i just asked for a visit in the next week or so and they've all said they have stuff on... including the weekend. I am sure they do have things on but they all have partners and families locally so not sure why they can't help out with childcare (even though i said feel free to bring their kids to mine. I have a DS so have toys etc and a garden where they can play) And as they haven't said what 'stuff' they have on i can only assume it's normal 'stuff' which TBH i would re-arrange if i had a friend asking for help. They know DH had to go back to work and my Dparents aren't close either and have to both work so they know i'll have been by myself at home.

I think where i'm netting out is that they are good people. They just don't understand. They have all conceived easily and none have lost any pregnancies (as far as I know and we do tell eachoter most things so i think i would know). At least the fact that they're just not understanding is the best I can hope for at this stage. I suppose the hormones aren't helping but i feel devastated at their reaction. These are people i thought I could count on and it turns out i can't. :( On the plus side though my DH who I always knew was amazing has just been so wonderful so thank god I have him.

I do feel really angry at them though. more angry than i thought i could feel towards 'friends'.

Patti - That is so rubbish. I can't believe your friends would do that to you. You poor thing. Still, as you say at least you found out who your real friends were.

Arctic - people do say things they think will help don't they but somehow it all comes out wrong. I was crying in bed last night and DH told me i need to "not dwell on it". He said so in a nice way and I know he's only trying to help but it's only been a few days. One of my well meaning friends also said to me "So did they just take the cells out of your tube then?", Jesus woman think how you might phrase that!

When I was in the hospital I told myself I wouldn't get on mumsnet when I got home as it would just make me obsess about "have others had babies with one tube?" but of course i came straight on and started sniffing around. It is actually really strenghtening to read of everyone's stories though. There are a lot of really brave women out there.

Sunshine , have you looked at Fertility Friends (not Fertility Friend)? They will have people in your situation . Although you may not feel ready yet to.think that far ahead .

I used it to help me understand how to conceive with my DH . He had a vasectomy reversed after 13 years , he got a severe infection from the opetation in one tube, leading to a build up of scar tissue and a blockage . Despite the odds, it did happen for us .

My friend is involved in a trial of a new technique , which identifies the ovary which will release an egg . This is in the Midlands area . So there are things out there , but I'm sure it will be fine.

It must have been traumatic if they had to remove a tube too .

Hi arctic - No, I haven't seen that site despite my obsessive googling since I got out of hospital!! I will have a look.

Few texts today from my 'friends' but I can't even bring myself to reply as they're like "how are you doing today" and I can't think of anything to say to them that's nice.

If you haven't already found lots of positive stories for the future, my mum had an ectopic during her second pregnancy after me. She was carrying twins, and the one which had implanted where it was meant to survived and now has children of her own. She also had another two healthy girls. Between us we have seven children.
I know you're in a bad place right now, and some of your so-called friends have almost certainly bottled it because they don't know what to say. I'm old enough to know now that it's better to turn up, and babble something - anything - than go embarrassed and leave the bereaved person (because that's what you are) alone, but it took until after my dad died for me to realise that, well into my forties.

How have you been today, sunshine? Has your partner been at home with you?

Just leave their texts for a while, and see if you feel like replying in a day or two.

Thanks fuss - i think that's it. I don't care if they don't KNOW what to say - just a hug would be nice :(

It's nice to hear of your mum's story - and amazing that they 'saved' a twin. i never heard of that.....

Thanks for checking in northey - DH has been home today so we've been relaxing with our DS. I feel so so blessed to have them both. No tears today actually. I can tell DH doesn't want to talk about it anymore. He's very much a 'talk about it once, then it's done' type of guy so it's nice to have Mumsnet to help out!

Hi Sunshine, the twin saving thing has still only happened about three times world wide - it's just such an unusual situation. But having successful perfectly normal pregnancies after losing one tube in an ectopic is by no means rare.

My DP is like yours, we talk it through once, very honestly and it's lovely, but afterwards it's a 'job done, time to move on' with him. Not in a nasty way it's just the way he is.

There's no law that says you have to reply to texts instantly, read your friends when you're ready and reply if you want to when you feel like it.

Big unMNetty hugs xx

Just wanted to say I know how you feel. One of my closest friends has not responded at all to my last 3 attempts to contact her. Our mutual friend has spoken to her and told me she definitely knows what has happened to me. I can't understand why she is behaving like this.

Hi HeeHeeHeeBum.

As the others have said, I think only people who have been through it can understand how we feel (I mc almost 5 weeks ago and am now partly glad people don't really talk about it as I have had to put up with some pretty insensitive things by people who know and were either trying to be 'normal' (so talking about baby things!) or just plan saying things before thinking. Each time it has smarted. I think your friend must know how upset you are and maybe doesn't know what to say as fussbucket said. (Another 40 something here who lost her dad and her perception of loss and how to deal with it changed!)

hi, sorry your friends have been so rubbish. Every time friends or family came out with something less than helpful, my mantra was " they don't get it, they don't get it and that's ok". I come on MN and Miscarriage Association and Ectopic Pregnancy Trust websites to offload and don't rely on family or RL friends when they can't understand.

I had a friend not reply to my text saying I'd had a mmc, I didn't have the energy to text her again. About 3 wks later she sent a txt asking about the bump, and I replied telling her. She was mortified, she hadn't got the original text. Actually it was nice to go over it again with someone who had 'fresh ears' (if that makes sense) as people somehow expect you to be 'over it' and not expect you to be talking about it. Or don't know what to say.

heehee I can only imagine your friend doesn't know what to say. If you've tried 3 times, there's nothing more you can do . I find it really hard when people don't acknowledge what's happened. They just need to say something like "sorry you've had such a bad time". I spent the day with my sister last w/e and she didn't mention my recent ectopic AT ALL. I found that quite hard.

It is really hard, and you do expect people to be there for you, but I agree with pp that they probably either just don't understand, or they feel really awkward about it. I've told old old friends about my mc, and one (who doesn't have kids) just said 'Oh, sorry to hear that.' and then changed the subject - hasn't mentioned it since. I figure she just has no idea how to talk about it, no idea of the significance of it. My boss, who knows I had the mc last year, makes a point of drawing my attention to pg announcements and baby photos circulating on email - I don't know why she does, she is a nice and sensitive woman about other things, but again I think it just doesn't occur to her that I would find all that profoundly upsetting.

It's rubbish that you've asked them to come and they haven't. I do think that for people who get pg easily and have never lost a baby it doesn't occur to them that it can be anything but straightforward and joyous. For those who have lost babies or who TTC for a long time it becomes a different sort of thing really, a much harder thing. If you can't face contacting them again then don't - you have to look after yourself and it's not a time to be chasing after people. I hope they come and visit soon.