How do I deal with my totally insensitive mother?

[firefli]

I had a mc just over a week ago, confirmed last Monday. I would have been 8 weeks, but based on the fact that they couldn't see anything much at the scan, and I hadn't had severe pain / bleeding, they think they baby stopped developing at an early stage. I'm lucky enough to already have a dd, and know that 1 mc doesn't mean I'll never have another baby, but was still devestated.

My mum thinks she's being nice, but just keeps telling me not to be sad and to get over it. She just doesn't seem to get that I'm upset because I've lost my baby. Tried to explain how I feel, but have been accused of moping. Think this is incredibly unfair as, although all I want to do is crawl into bed, have already been back to work, been looking after dd and having to do the usual shopping /cleaning. Not sure if I'm more in need of advice on what to, or reassurance that I'm normal for feeling upset about my mc in the first place.

Have you tried telling her that you know she means well and you do appreciate her trying to help but you need to deal with this in your own way.

You are quite reasonable to feel whatever you want to feel, there is no right or wrong at this point.

Sorry for your loss

Thanks Tranquilidade. Did try to tell her something like that today.......which is when she accused me of moping. May have to just give up trying to get her to understand, she does tend to be a bit odd when it comes to grieving (ie sees it as totally unnecessary). Maybe I should just be glad she went to my Dad's funeral.

It sounds like she isn't going to get it, so maybe would be easier on you to work on accepting that. That doesn't mean you have to take her views on your grieving onboard though.

I recently miscarried what would have been a much longed for first child. Last night my MIL was banging on about Mother's Day. I just maintained a stony silence until she eventually shut up.

Sorry for your loss.

So sorry for your MC

I have been there too, sadly. My sister was equally as insensitive when I had one of my MCs and I decided to tell her to piss off I wasn't intending on listening to anything she had to say on the subject so she stopped being "helpful". Maybe take that approach? Has your mum ever MC? The reason I ask is because I find that those who have never MC just don't... Get it? They don't understand as they really can't 'get' how a loss of a baby at such a formative stage can be so hard, they don't 'get' it. You feel exactly however you want to and don't let anyone tell you how to grieve your loss.

Come and join us on the TTC after MC mosh pit thread in conception if you want to talk with lots of lovelies who do get it

So sorry for your loss.
You make sure you take the time you need to grieve, don't rush yourself because people think you should be over it, that's not how it works.
You are normal to feel how you do.
xx

Thanks for the support and kind words ladies. They really do make a big difference to me.

My mum has never had a miscarriage and I think you're right, she just doesn't really 'get it'. Have been trying to talk to her less (although by the 3rd time she'd called this morning I thought I better pick up ) and just avoid the subject with her.

Nomoremarbles, I've joined the getting back to normal / TTC thred - agree there are lots of people on mn at least who understand. Sorry for your loss.

Lizziebennet, sounds really hard for you. At least my MIL lives in another country, so I'll try to be thankful I don't have to listen to both of them
PS love the name!

All my relatives were insensitive after my m/c.
My mum was the worst - completely unsympathetic, belittling my grief. Just horrible. I also had infertility issues and took another 3 years to get pg after my m/c. When I had DD she even asked me if I felt "a right idiot about all the fuss I made" about my infertility and m/c.
It has permanently affected my relationship with her. I don't like her as a person. I now have 2 DD's and will never treat them like that.
So sorry for your loss.

My mum never had a m/c, got pregnant the month she started trying and had the gender she wanted 4 times. Even delivered 3 weeks early for each of them.
Empathy bypass my mother.

When I was crying 3 days later she told me I was being a complete drama queen

clementine I was told the same thing after my first MC it was pre-DD and at 14+2 and a friend with 2 DCs said "it's not that bad, at least you don't know what you are missing" I told her to f£&k off.
I have since had DD and 7 more MCs and I can honestly say that my first was the worst one. I console myself each time I MC that I do have my DD and as horrible as repeated MCs are, I know my body can do it as I managed it once... I can't imagine how horrific I would feel if I were to have 8MCs and no DCs...one pre-DD was bad enough

Sorry for your losses girls. I have recently miscarried too (4 weeks ago) and am amazed by how insensitive people are. I am wondering whether I was beforehand too and agree that until you have suffered one you do not understand how it feels (although you can guess it will be horrible).

Since I miscarried it is the people that know who have made the remarks that have upset me. I try to just let them pass but secretly simmer and feel awful for hours about it. I think people either 1) want to acknowledge your loss but come out with "it's for the best, it obviously had problems" type comments or 2) want to act as normally as possible around you (perhaps I am just 'coping' outwardly too well ...) by discussing OBEM and programmes like it!

I don't know why anyone would say 'it's for the best'. Would they say that if something happened to a child or an adult? It's so belittling of what you feel.

I don't want this to ruin my relationship with my mum, but I'm so angry with her. If I'm lucky enough to get pregnant again in the future I think she'd be the last person I'd tell.

firefli and everyone really - people do say ridiculous things, but I guess also we are all very sensitive at the moment. I know the things that are really annoying me are (a) people completely ignoring what has happened and not mentioning it or (b) people saying they are "Glad I am feeling better", when they haven't asked me how I am. I feel like they just want to think I am feeling better as it makes them more comfortable, but I guess people just don't know what to say.