second miscarriage in four months - please respond..

Original poster

LJJ · 30/01/2006 10:38

if anyone else has been in a similar situation. I had a miscarriage at 6.5 weeks in September 2005, then another last Tuesday at 5.5 weeks. I "dealt" with the first one by saying, oh well, it happens to so many people, if that's my experience of miscarriage then I'm lucky (??!! how could I??). I KNOW they were both ridiculously early, (my Mum is trying but failing to help by saying "in my day we wouldn't have even known we were pregnant at 5.5 weeks...which makes me incredibly ) but I'm a complete mess this time round. I'm SO scared that I may never have another one (we already have a daughter, who will be 2 in April) and I don't understand why this has happened to us now. I really don't want her to be an only child and the only thing I can think when I look at her is she'd make a great big sister...
Her "best friend's" mum calmly announced over sunday lunch yesterday that she's expecting her number 2 and I think my heart is going to break..
I know of no-one else in the same exact situation as me (one live birth, two miscarriages) - so if there's anyone who is, please get in touch

OP posts:

beatie · 30/01/2006 11:17

I'm sorry to hear of your losses. I experienced the same as you. One live birth and then two miscarriages 4 months apart. The first at 8 weeks and the second at 11 weeks. I acted the same way as you after the first one, as though it is just one of those things that most people go through once. I was devastated when I had the second miscarriage and at that time all my friends were getting pregnant with their second babies and dd's 2nd birthday was looming.

I did get pregnant again and I had my second daughter 2 months before dd1 turned 3. Looking back though, the time after my 2nd miscarrauge and waiting to conceive again was a horrible depressing time for me, so you have my sympathy. If you need to talk then CAT me. I'm a good listener and understand fully what you're feeling.

BTW ~ all the stats are in your favour of having another live pregnancy, so try not to get disheartened and try to believe that you will go on to have a second baby.

Original poster

LJJ · 30/01/2006 11:29

Thanks Beatie, its really good of you to have replied and just nice to know we're not alone! I know I should just think how lucky I am to have our DD already, but I can't just yet. I think I'm trying to come to terms with both miscarriages at the same time. Glad to hear you went on to conceive and have a succesful pregancy...I think it will take us a while to be ready to TTC again. Can't think about that yet. I may well CAT you soon. Thanks again

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beatie · 30/01/2006 11:40

Yes, I know what you mean. You should feel very lucky to have one child but that doesn't take away the longing for another child. Also, once you have a child, it is extremely difficult to avoid pregnant women and babies. I was tortured by the sight of pregnant women or new babies each time I took DD1 to a toddler activity. But, for her sake, I could not stop going.

I don't think that any of my friends understood what I went through. I still feel sad about it now, even though I am so blessed with a second dd.

hereshoping · 30/01/2006 12:06

This happened to me, between babies 3 and 4 - baby 4 currently 6 weeks and screaming! I turned up for 2 12 week scans 6 months apart to be told id lost them around 6 -8 weeks and then had a threatened mc with this last pg. It is awful, there is a horrible sense of time ticking away and a horrible feeling of your life being out of control - I found this especially hard as i concieved very easily the prev pgs. My dh was waful but te one thing he could do for me was to research the mediccal evidence and it is true if you keep trying the odds are very much on yuor side that youll have a successful pg. good luck and dont give up hope

Original poster

LJJ · 30/01/2006 12:07

Yes, two of my very close friends are pregnant with their first. I haven't told either of them about the second miscarriage yet. The baby would have been born about a month after one of my friend's is due (somehow that makes it easier that its her first - I think, well, she's "allowed" one....). But its so sad, she's my DD's godmother and it would have been so amazing to go through this all together and to have children so close in age. sorry, I'm waffling now. My brain is kind of mush and I feel SO tired and drained, reaction I guess.

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Original poster

LJJ · 30/01/2006 12:16

hereshoping - thanks very much for your words of support too.

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diddle · 03/02/2006 12:28

LJJ - I was in a similar situation to you, I miscarried the end of January 2005, it was horrendous, we do not have any children, and this was my first pregnancy, we were gutted, i have never felt so low in my life. We decided to try again straight away, and it worked, we got pregnant again very easily, Then the first week of April 2005 we lost our 2nd baby, we couldn't believe that it was happening again, it was easier to deal with the 2nd time in some respects, because we had been very aware that it could happen, but the first time we never though it could happen to us.
Nobody will know the right thing to say and someone will always manage to say the wrong thing and annoy you. Its not because they don't care or want to just shut you up etc, they genuinly don't know the right thing to say.
Like you my losses were very early on, but it hasn't put us off trying again, and i am now 22wks pregnant, very nervous and constantly worried that it will all go wrong.
But don't give up hope, your chance will come again, just keep relaxed and let your body rest for a while, it has been through a major trauma, as have you. give yourself time to grieve, i'm sure you feel, angry, sad, empty, and heartbroken. these feelings will pass, its all part of the grieving process, and we're here to help you throught that.

bramblina · 03/02/2006 12:43

LJJ I'm so sorry. I fell pg 2 months after ttc in 2002, and mc'd at 14wks, utterly devastated. My sister had mc'd at 17 wks years before me so I was aware that it could happen but of course nothing can prepare you for it. It took us a full year to conceive again, hindered by my depression I think. Unfortunately, I mc'd again at 11 wks. Dealt with it a bit better but it really gave me too many worries to comprehend. I conceived again about 6m later, but mc'd at 6 wks, then about 4m later mc'd again but this time only at 5 wks. Each one does hurt as much but I definitely knew how to deal with each one a bit better. The very next month I completely gave up on ttc and thought we'd just try to enjoy a couple of months when I fell pregnant again, really took us by surprise, I spent the whole 40 weeks and 2 days (!) not believing it would ever happen, and gave birth to the most wonderful little bot last August. It took about 4 months for either of us to really believe we had him, and that he was here for goo.
You are lucky that you have a healthy lo but I'm sure that makes no difference to the pain. What I convinced myself was that because each of my mc's happened at different stages, I was sure they weren't related and that it was just a run of bad luck- and I'm sure this could be that case for you. "rediculously early" or not, they still hurt. But just give yourself time. You're right, when others announce they're pg you just want to scream, don't you? But I think when they don't have the heartache like some of us, they don't appreciate their children the same. (That's certainly true of 2 of my friends- they're going on holiday to Majorca this summer- and leaving their 2 kids (each) at home. I just don't understand it) and I would rather work hard to get where I am now (all the pain and heartache etc I mean) than fall pg easily and not appreciate my ds. IYSWIM.
Take care.

Whizzz · 03/02/2006 12:52

Me too (time to come clean, as I posted under an alias at the time). I have DS (5) and had 2 MCs last year - one in Feb at 5.5 weeks & other in Aug 6.5 weeks. I'm now 39 and feel the clock ticking. It's really changed my whole outlook on life (see my thread about changing careers as evidence!) and I really don't know whether we should try again. As you say - 1 MC & you tend to put it down to bad luck. The 2nd is so different. Wildly different for me as I was in hospital as it happened when I was in for a scan. Although the EPC people were lovely - the rest of the hospital staff were horrid & I was left on a ward with no support until I signed myself out. It does get easier, but definately changes your outlook.

dangirl · 03/02/2006 20:03

You are certaibly not alone!!
I too have been there.
Have DD(nearly 4). Have then had 2 mc - one last Nov and then another one in May (8 and 13 weeks) So hard, especially the 2nd one!!
Am now 18 weeks pregnant again and nervous as anything over every little twinge.

So sorry you have to go through this Wishing you a healthy baby as soon as possible

foundintranslation · 03/02/2006 20:20

I'm so sorry for your losses, LJJ. I hava had one miscarriage, around the same stage as your second one. I know the feeling of it being early but still so painful... the doctor who confirmed the mc made it clear he didn't know why I was upset, asked my age and said 'you're young, you can have another'... ffs.
Lesley Regan, in her book on mc, says that even after two mcs the odds of a successful pg next time around are very much on your side, and having had a live birth also reduces your risk, so there is hope.

Original poster

LJJ · 06/02/2006 10:20

Thanks to you all for responding and your messages. foundintranslation, I have got the Lesley Regan book out of the library and its like my little bible at the moment - very well written and if ever I get a bit panicky I dip into it.
Just had my Mum here for a week or so, I take back what I wrote in the first message, she's been utterly supportive in just letting me cry when I want to and not trying to "gee me up". Also taken DD off my hands a bit (who seems to be the best and worst thing to have around - great distraction but not good if you just want to have a weep).
Very mixed emotions on Friday - we were due our 7 week scan that day, and my friend (see post) had her 12 week scan. So relieved for her, but also so . But on the whole, things seem to be getting better inch by inch...
Thanks again to you all, its so nice to know you're not the only person this is happening to.
and big hugs to you all xx

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katedan · 16/02/2006 13:26

Sorry to gatecrash, i don't normally post on this board but noticed your message and felt I needed to join in. I have a ds who will be 3 in May and in January 06 suffered my second miscarriage ( my first M/C was Apr 05) like you the first M/C was "OK" as I knew several peole to go through one but I know of only one lady who has had two following a live birth. Apart from blood clotting tests ( which were negative) I have received no other tests or explanation and although we are TTC this month I really have no idea if we will ever have another baby. I have struggled with friends who are currently PG mainly because although evreyone knew about the first M/C no one knew about the second so they think I will be "over" it by now. I really send you the best of luck and although I have no happy ending I hope it helps you see you are not the only one.

BettySpaghetti · 16/02/2006 13:37

Sorry to hear what you've been through LJJ.

Not experienced this myself (although I had 1 m/c between my DD and DS) but a good friend of mine had 2 very early m/c close together in between her first and second child.

She never found out any reasons as to why they occured but, as I said, successfully went on to have her DS afterwards.

acg · 09/06/2007 17:26

Hello LJJ. I know it is a long time ago that you posted your original message, but I wondered whether you might provide an update. I have recently been through the same thing as you. To the extent where I wondered whether I had posted your message! I have a dd who has just turned 2. She is an absolute delight and I feel so lucky to have her. Following my recent bad luck, I call her Mummy's little miracle! I had a mc in September at 6 weeks. It felt like a lifetime until I found I was pregnant again in April, but I lost this baby in May (the day before my dd birthday) again at 6 weeks. I am so upset. People seem so insensitive...probably I am over sensitive. I saw my first lost baby's heart beating on an u/s, and two days later it was gone. It was too much to handle. I'd really like to hear how you're doing now....is there hope? Thanks xx