How will I know when this is over?

[elderberryspokes]

Two days ago me and my DP discovered that our baby, who should have been 9 weeks old, had stopped developing at 6 weeks. I spent most of that day in tears but now I don't know how I feel. I seem to have a frightening ability to maintain cheerful conversations with people other than my DP and was horribly upbeat when a friend came around to congratulate us on hearing we'd conceived and had to be told the bad news. I don't know if it is a delayed reaction (I have had brown discharge for 2 weeks and knew deep down that something was wrong despite the reassurance of an earlier scan -- so I've been crying on and off since then) or if I am just in limbo because I haven't miscarried yet.

I spent yesterday thinking through my options and was considering surgery or inducement, as after 2 weeks of carrying around a dead baby I worried that I was not going to miscarry naturally.

However, in the early hours of this morning I started getting very bad cramps which kept me up all night. I asked DP not to go to work because I thought it was going to happen, but he had to go in and I didn't want to make a scene and upset him as he took it very hard and has a very stressful job, and has already moved lots of things around for emergency scans and to stay with me on the day we found out.

I've been laid in bed all morning looking out of the window, across the valley. It's a beautiful day.

About twenty minutes ago I went to the loo and a huge fleshy looking clot just fell out into the tissue. I put it in a small bowl and now I'm sat with it beside the bed, not knowing if that is my baby, or just a normal blood clot. I'm not sure how long this will take or how I will know? This is my first pregnancy.

I'm not sure what I'm asking. I just need to know if this is normal? I'm sorry if this sounds callous or disjointed - this baby was so very much wanted, and in the month that we have known we have grown so excited about the idea of being parents. When I started to have the brown discharge I even secretly felt the baby was a girl and started calling her by the name we had chosen, as I felt this was some small way I could give her some encouragement that everything was going to be alright.

Now I feel nothing. I don't know why I'm not in pieces.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I don't have any advice about what's normal I'm afraid - I'm on here looking for advice too - but I didn't want to leave you unanswered.

Are you going back to the hospital for blood tests? I think that's the way they tell if your baby plus the extra bits has come out.

I suspect you are in shock and a bit numb. Your body is protecting you right now by cutting off your feelings a bit. Be kind to yourself.

Elderberry, I am so sorry for your loss.

Is it whitey grey or red?

I found out at my 12 wk scan that the baby stopped developing at 8 weeks. Went for medical management (DO NOT DO THIS!!) It didnt work, lost loads of huge clots etc, one actually made a pop as it came out of me!! It was the most traumatic thing ever! The midwifes made me use paper commodes to check my loss. They said if its a grey'y white blob then thats it!! If its red its a clot.

Dont beat your self up about how you think you should feel about it. I cried a little on the day I found out, on the way home in the car. Then that was it. I think I was a bit numb too. I just focussed on the fact that this must be the best outcome, that this baby was possibly very poorly, and better this happen now than have a very very poorly baby or one that died later. It would have been too much to bear.

Take your loss to the hospital/midwife unit. They will check the "tissue", they'l give you some lovely commodes and a tub if its not come away or not all there. If it doesnt come away by itself. Have the surgical management.

Good luck and lots of hugs. I hope you've got a good dp and friends and family, they'l get you through it.

XX

So sorry to hear about your loss elderberryspokes, I found out last Friday that I'd had an MMC - I was 9+3, though the baby had died at 6+6 weeks.

Over the past week I've been through every emotion under the sun. I've been in floods of tears at home on my own and with DH. I've been coolly matter of fact when explaining what's happened to friends and family. I went out on Sunday afternoon with my DH, had a couple of pints down the pub and a pizza and had a good ltime, almost, managing to forget for a while what had happened. I've been feeling really angry with some people for avoiding talking about it and angry with others for wanting to talk about it. And lying on the hospital trolley yesterday waiting to be taken into theatre for my ERPC I was just sobbing and sobbing, completely distraught.

It's a rollercoaster alright, and not abnormal I'd say to swing between feelings of intense pain and total numbness.

I opted for surgery as I decided that I personally couldn't bear being in limbo, not knowing how long it would take to all be over. Whilst not a happy experience in any way, I do feel better today than I have done for many days. Still a little bit up and down, but much more on an even keel and starting to come to terms with the loss.

As lizziebennet says, be kind to yourself, it's ok to feel whatever you are feeling, and I hope the next few days whilst you decide what to do are as good as they can be under these very sad circumstances. ((hugs))

I miscarried my first pregnancy last year at about 6 weeks. From my own experience, I think you have a bit to go yet. I had crampy pains and was passing blood and clots for 24 hours on the Tuesday so thought that was it however, the cramps and blood returned on the Saturday and continued for another 24 hours. I took regular co-codamol and hugged my hot water bottle for the pain. I don't think you can tell the difference between clots and a baby at this early stage.

I was told to seek medical attention if the pain was not controlled or if I felt dizzy, fainted or was feverish but if you're at all worried you should phone NHS24.

Hopefully your husband can stay with you now over the weekend if he's not working. Don't worry about feeling numb and don't feel ashamed that you're not "in pieces." You will mourn in your own time and your own way. I went back to work on the Monday after the miscarriage and never told anyone which may seem callous but I felt better getting on with things.
Thinking about you

Thank you all for your replies, and I?m so sorry that you have had to go through the same thing.

I?m pretty sure that it is over now. Not the bleeding, but earlier tonight I passed the grey and white tissue that RIBS described. DP, who was clearly paying more attention to the ultrasound than I was, could identify the yolk sac and something that very much resembles a six week old embryo ? along with a lot of other tissue attached by a thin membrane.

It has been horrible today. I passed so much blood and clots this morning I was starting to feel dizzy, and after the numbness of my first post I had a bit of a cry in the afternoon. I?ve never felt pain like this before ? all afternoon it got worse, but after each successive cramp there was just a lot of blood, no clot. Then came the tissue I described, all of a sudden, and it?s really strange but the pain that has been constant all day went immediately and a sense of complete calm came over me because I just knew that it was over. Of course I understand that it will likely be several days, maybe even weeks, until the bleeding stops completely but I don?t feel that I?m carrying the baby any more.

Maybe someone out there can empathise with this ? I felt so much better for seeing the baby, as undeveloped as it was. It didn?t seem gruesome or morbid or upsetting. It may never have taken a breath but it is still our baby that I carried for two months, and we?ll never forget it.

There is one last thing. I?m a bit uncertain of what to do with the remains. Obviously I can?t just flush them down the loo or put them in the bin, that would be all kinds of wrong ? I wondered if it was a very strange thing to do to take them down to the cemetary early tomorrow morning. My grandad is buried there and I thought I might bury them under a nearby tree where he once cut a notch for me to climb up more easily. Either that or in the top soil of the grave itself ? I am one of the few people who visits it now. He was a wonderful man and more like a father to me and my sister ? he died when I was eight and I remember talking to my Mum afterwards and saying that he was up there, looking after all the children who had died and taking them on walks like he had done with me and my sister. I feel that he would know what I?d done and look after our baby for us.

Would that be a really weird thing to do?

Hope all you ladies are doing okay xxx