MMC end to first pregnancy, at 40 :(

[CharlyK]

Went to the hospital yesterday for an early scan as I was bleeding and I knew something was wrong as my pregnancy sympoms had disappeared. They confirmed that my first pregnancy has ended with missed miscarriage - there was no heartbeat and the little one was too small, having died at 6+6. I would have been 10 weeks on Tuesday.

I've always wanted a family but had really bad luck with men until I met my DH just over 2 years ago. We married at the end of November last year, and were thrilled to bits when we conceived at the end of January. Couldn't believe it had happened so fast, felt like the luckiest woman in the world.

I am going for an ERPC on Weds, which I think will help, though I am dreading it. It feels very strange to have the pregnancy inside me, knowing it's not alive. I want to move on and TTC again.

I'm 41 in June and am terrified I won't get pregnant so easily again, or that it'll end in another MC. I know I've left it very late to start and I'm rapidly running out of time. I know my age may have contributed to the MC and I feel so bad for my husband.

Feeling very down and a little bit hopeless x

Thanks nappymaestro, I really appreciate that.

I keep telling myself that I'm a fit and healthy 40 yr old and other women my age are having babies. I'm not over the hill yet and I can't give up after the first time.

It will take a while to get over the loss, I keep thinking of the poor bean inside me and feel so sad it's life ended so soon. It's incredibly painful but will stay positive.

Cx

first of all, I'm so very sorry that this has happened to you. It can all seem so terribly overwhelming and hopeless. It sounds as though you and your dh are working together well. He probably feels as bad for you as you do for him.

I had a MMC in September 2010. My doctor, midwife and aunt (who is a maternity care nurse) all said to try again as soon as I felt ready, as straight after a MC is one of the most fertile times you'll have. As it was, we didn't want to try so soon. The 7 month old baby girl sitting on my lap had other ideas and I was pg within 6 weeks of the MMC.

It is so awfully hard when you're in the middle of it all, and it's ok to surrender to it for a bit. Don't give up- as my mother says, the promise of better days is always kept.

I'm so sorry for your miscarriage - I had a mmc with my first pregnancy and it was terribly difficult. Try to hold onto the fact that you got pregnant relatively easily so are clearly still fertile. Miscarriage is more common the older you are but often it's the getting pregnant in the first place that's the issue. Just go for it ASAP and best of luck!

I just wanted to say I am so sorry for you and your husband losing your baby. You do have to hold on to the fact it happened quickly. Doesn't change the fact that you have rough times ahead with the ERPC etc. but as soon as you feel ready I am sure it will happen again for you both.

As two little bundles said, my doctor advised me to try again as soon as I felt ready as it appeared that women were more fertile just after a miscarriage. It worked, twice. So painful, I know, but hang in there.

Thanks everyone for such kind words. I will definitely hold on to the positives - the future is not without hope :)

I'm close to 40 :-) my first two pregnancies were mmc (with two ERPCs) and while tough emotionally, as others have said, and as docs said to me at the time - do take comfort from the fact that you did get pregnant fairly easily as that is a very positive thing! Two things to keep in mind - I was told that you are more fertile for the few months after mc than you would normally so make use of that! (we did this three times (now have DD!)). I was also told that if you have been on pill or other contraceptionm it can take one or two goes at at before your body effectievly says "so that's what I am meant to be doing". Keep positive and just take each week at a time for the next few months!

So sorry for your loss, dont give up hope - I had my dd at 42; conceived naturally x

DH has reluctantly gone to work today. I thought I'd go back too, but I can't face being round lots of people talking about what they did with their kids this weekend. I just want Weds over and done with now, so we can start trying again. I don't think I've ever felt as lonely as I do right now :(

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. It happened to me twice, between DS1 and DS2 and nothing anyone says to you can make you feel any better, because you are grieving for the child that has gone, and all the hopefull and optimistic things that people say don't really acknowledge that fully. I eventually discovered I was pregnant again on the very afternoon I was going to see the gynaecologist to get advice about the situation. Don't give up hope.

I so appreciate being able to talk about it here, and to have people who understand listening.

My close family have been kind and supportive, but are keeping their distance, probably out of fear of saying the wrong thing. I messaged a close friend who knew I was pregnant yesterday and have heard nothing back. I told my team, by e-mail this morning, as they need to know why I'm not in work and I think they deserve the truth. Not one of them has replied with so much as "I'm sorry".

People really don't like to talk about baby loss do they? Far too uncomfortable. It feels like DH and me are grieving in silence, and it is incredibly isolating. I'm really grateful for all your replies.

Hi there,

You are going through a really tough time. It is very hard. I lost my baby in January. I surprised my husband on xmas day which is his actual birthday and then a week late I m/c in the showers after my dd swimming lesson! It was awful and you feel so lonely. Its ok to cry lots. As I am also 40 and bloody determined...we are at it all the time!!!! I don't think the pain ever goes away but I do wish you all the luck in the world...go for it... there are happy stories for mums older than us.. x

Hi Charly

I'm in a similar position to you, so can sympathise. I am so sorry this is happening to you (and to me). I'm 37 this year, and would have been 10 weeks today.

DH and I have a DS who is almost 2. It took us a long time to conceive, so when we decided to try for DC2 we were thrilled when it only took us a few months of trying before I became pregnant. Unfortunately, I had a miscarriage at the end of October when I was 7 weeks.

We decided to try again immediately, and couldn't believe our luck when it only took 2 months. I had some a small amount of dark brown spotting, so went for a scan on the 16th. The scan showed a good fast heartbeat and no cause for the spotting, and having been told that seeing the heartbeat at that stage (8 +2) meant that my risk of MC dropped considerably, I went home and tried not to stress too much about the spotting.

I had my booking in appointment on Friday, and the midwife mentioned that the early pregnancy unit had a walk-in ultrasound unit if I was still worried. I went for a scan and found out that there was no heartbeat - it had stopped sometime between the 2 scans.

The rational part of me knows that miscarriages are common, and that early miscarriages like mine are usually due to chromosomal errors that won't be repeated, but my heart wants to scream and shout about how unfair it is. I am swinging between calm and frantic. I am trying to hang on to the rational thoughts, and to focus on the fact that I have a DH who will support me (and yes, I feel horrible about the upset he is feeling), and that there is every reason to think that we will be able to conceive again. My next pregnancy might not be the most relaxed time of my life, but I'm determined to be hopeful.

I spent the morning at the hospital today, and am waiting to hear from them about when I can go for my ERPC. I hope it isn't too long a wait.

I hope things go as well as they can for you on Wednesday. You aren't alone, and I have enough hope for both of us if you want to borrow some. x

Hi there, Charly, firstly sorry to hear of your loss but I wanted to share something that might help give you a little bit of hope at the moment. I got pregnant when I was 38 (first pregnancy) but sadly miscarried at just under 20 weeks when I was then 39. I truly thought my heart would stop beating with grief. At my 6 week review the consultant said that I needed an ERPC which was done 2 days later. My period came back around 6 weeks later and we started trying again from March 2011. I found out that I was pregnant on my 40th birthday at the end of September 2011. I'm now nearly 26 weeks. I know we still have a long way to go but I'm so grateful to have got this far. My mother also lost her first pregnancy around 41 and went on to have me when she was 43. Don't give up hope - it will happen. It may take time but it will happen. Wishing you, blueblizz and any others reading all good things to come. xx

Thanks, your words and experiences are making me feel less blue today and more hopeful. DH has just got home and we both had a cry. I am starting to feel better than I did, and not as lost.

Blueblizz and Browneyes blue I wish you all the very best and will stay hopeful for you too.

You're all very kind ladies :) xx

Hi Charly. Sorry for your loss. I'll add my bit for what it's worth. I had my first DC at 40 after about 8 months of trying. She's a very cute 13 months now. We want another but I'm 41 now and, like you, was worried that it might never be but I found out on 14 Feb that I'm pregnant again. Owing to some bleeding, I'm not convinced this one is viable but the point of the post is to say try not to worry too much about your age. You're obviously still fertile or you'd never have been on this forum. My GP laughed when I said that I was concenred about the risks because of my age; he said he sees so many women in their 40s who are pregnant that it's no longer considered unusual. Good luck.

Thanks resipsa. I really wish you all the best with your pregnancy, bleeding in itself doesn't mean it won't work out but I can really get where you're coming from on thinking the worst. In my case I knew with no doubt it had gone wrong, I just didn't feel the same.

This has been the darkest week of my entire life. I got home from hospital after having the ERPC around 7pm this evening. I woke up from the anaesthetic sobbing my heart out and in excruciating pain so they gave me a big dose of Tramadol. I've been off my face most of the evening, but am coming round now, and the pain is much better. There hasn't been huge amounts of bleeding, just like a moderately heavy period.

Emotionally, I feel rather raw and sad still, but I am much better than I have been for days. I'm ready to put this behind me now and absolutely determined to keep trying until we're a family. The good news is that family and friends have finally rallied round, and given me some much needed support. I guess some of them were just struggling to know what to say / what to do. I told a couple of friends only yesterday and today, and they've been brilliant, much better than my Mum and siblings, probably because they're not family!

Taking it moment by moment, but staying positive.

Thanks for all your support, I'll never forget the kindness people have shown.

Some think it?s holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it?s letting go - Sylvia Robinson

I was thinking about you today Charly. I'm glad that you have RL support, and that you are staying positive.

You sound stronger. I hope that continues, and I wish you all the best in the future.

Charly so sorry about the loss of your lo! I had a first mc when 38 at 7wks after an ivf and the pain was unbearable. i would read the book "taking charge of your fertility", it has some very good advice. i conceived naturally 2 months later (using good advice from the book but may have been a coincidence of course)... all the fingers and toes crossed for you.

Charly so sorry for your loss, I know how you are feeling, I felt like I had failed my little Bean. I had a MMC at the start of Jan which resulted in at ERPC, I am 42 in June and my midwife didn't bat an eyelid at us trying again.

I had an ectopic pregnancy in December 2008 after trying for nearly a year to conceive. So I was 38 1/2 with one tube, and thought "this isn't going to happen". After 8 weeks I started feeling sick an hey presto I was pregnant. DD was born 8 weeks from original due date, I was 39.

Please stay possitive, this will happen for you. I colleague of mine is the fittest healthiest person I know (32 years old) and just had a MMC, there is just no specific reason why these happen they just do unfortunately :(