How do I relax? (4mcs and pregnant again)

[topsmart]

Just need to vent. Feel like I can't breathe.

We've had 4 miscarriages in 3 years since having our amazing DD, and I'm currently 10+4 pregnant again. I've had a lot of bleeding this time, so been scanned 3 times - and all is well so far.
Next scan is tomorrow.
I just cannot relax. I cannot believe that it will go well this time. All I remember is the countless 'bad scan' experiences and i'm convinced this is what will happen tomorrow - that'll we'll get the 'I'm sorry to tell you...' speech AGAIN. God, I can't bear it.

So really I want to ask any of you who've been through this, how did you hold it together for the whole pregnancy?! 30 more weeks just seems like an insane amount of time!

topsmart had to reply to you as I could've written your post 3yrs ago.

I had 3 miscarraiges after a successful pregnancy and can only say I was frozen with fear throughout the subsequent pregnancy which resulted in my gorgeous much loved DS.

Scans are always going to be hard I'm afraid as your instincts are to try and protect yourself from that terrible silence then the sad eyes and I'm sorry.

I had loads of scans up till 12weeks then had one at 16wks for reassurance then a 20 week scan. I then hired a doppler from 20 to 30 weeks.

I found asking the scanner to tell me immediately if there was a heartbeat meant I only held my breath for a lesser time.

I distanced myself from the pregnancy until about 30 weeks (only really started telling everyone after the 20wk anomoly scan) and really worried it would affect my bonding following delivery but the over whelming relief and ecstacy of seeing and holding DS we never looked back.

I just took a day at a time and tried to be really kind to myself. had loads of snuggles in bed with DD and didn't feel like I needed to get out of my cocoon if that means sense

Good luck tomorrow. Sadly its outwith your control but if everything has been OK there's a high percentage of probability it'll be OK.

So sorry for your losses. Everyone copes in their own way but personally I found taking each day as it comes, making sure I'd eaten well (plenty of dairy products for the calcium, lots of fruit and veg), and thinking positive thoughts each morning I woke up still pg helped. Tbh I didn't even start to relax till about 26 weeks... When I started a mad nesting mission involving cleaning skirting boards on a Sunday morning! Think DH thought I'd gone mad...

Fwiw I found things got slightly easier after the point I'd lost at before, and at 24 weeks when babies have a chance.

Wishing you lots of luck this time around. I assume that since you've suffered more than 3 mc's that you've had a gynaecologist referral and investigations as to why? There are things that can be done eg progesterone injections, stitch in the cervix, low dose of aspirin depending on what's causing the mc's.

There's always good support on these boards and there is usually a pregnancy after mc thread running in the pregnancy topic which helped keep me together some days.

Good luck

Thank you both, I felt so much better just having written it down - but to hear your good news stories has really helped. I may even be able to sleep tonight

Yep, I've had all the tests! Nothing bloody wrong with me. Had half hoped there would be, at least there'd be a chance of a treatment.

I'll just try to think positive thoughts. I find that easier in the morning. It's the evenings I find tricky. I've had a lot of nausea and I find myself constantly analysing "am I less sick than I was yesterday/ last week?". It's all so exhausting.
And my diet is appalling, am craving carbs and stacking on the weight. Which is always even more depressing when things go wrong.

Anyway! Positive! Thanks again

Random q: Anyone ever tried acupuncture? I'm considering some serious relaxation methods!

Congratulations on your pregnancy

You sound just like the way I was when expecting my DC3. It was a terrifying pregnancy. Numerous scans, problems with the baby etc etc.

When I was expecting DC4, I made a conscious decision that whilst I couldn't control the outcome of the pregnancy, I could control how I coped with it. We hired an independent midwife to come to the house and train us in self-hypnosis techniques. I can't recommend this highly enough. She came to the house 3 times and each time went through a different "script" with us, and left a CD which I listened to every day. The CDs are very relaxing and help you bond with your baby. My DH could always tell when I had listened to it as it really calmed me down. The 2nd and 3rd CDs instruct you in relaxation techniques for using during labour, which I found very helpful.

I also saw a homeopath and got some remedies to help with anxiety.

Towards the end of the pregnancy I had reflexology treatments which were very relaxing.

I'd like to have done some yoga but wasn't able to fit it in with family commitments.

I knew that I was kidding myself to think that I could keep myself detached from my baby. Even if I lost the baby I wanted to know that I'd given it as much love as I could for as long as the pregnancy lasted, whether that was a few weeks or the full 40 weeks. If a baby is going to have a very short life that ends in a m/c, then far better that it's a joyful time than a time of panic and distress. That's a gift you can give your baby.

The medical support I'd had with DC3 wasn't really directly about keeping the baby safe, but more about helping me cope, and I ended up becoming dependant on scans and check-ups. I'd be reassured to see a heartbeat, but by the time I was in the hospital car park I'd be thinking that the baby had died in the last 3 minutes. I'd then recover for a few days and then get more terrified in the days leading up to the next scan. With DC4 I declined all but the routine scans and refused to be a "case". "Keep your soft marker bollocks to yourself this time" were the instructions I gave to my consultant!

I really really hope your scan tomorrow goes well

Rolf, that's awesome advice. Thank you so much. I'll look into all those ideas - had no idea about midwives who would do things like that!

How you were with dc3 is exactly how I am now: utterly dependent on the scans. I trust nothing else, not the morning sickness or boob ache or tiredness. Two of the miscarriages were missed miscarriages, one of which hadn't even had a baby inside the sac, and I'd had all the pregnancy symptoms anyway.

Changing my focus could really help. Thank you.

I'll keep you all posted.

Heh I could cheerfully eat 3 slices of toast for brekkie while pg! Load up on slow release carbs then try and snack on fruit through the day between meals. I put on 3.5 stone but it all came off running after DD once she started crawling...

No experience of acupuncture whilst pg, sorry.

"Topsmart" it was someone from here: www.privatebirthcentre.co.uk/what-we-offer/hypnosis.html

They no longer have a list of their midwives on the website but Jennie (the midwife who taught us) has, I think, relocated.

Thanks Rolf, they cover my area so I'll get in touch with them. Really helpful, thank you!

Just back from scan: all is well. Dated as 10+6 so we're further along than we thought.

Thanks again everyone for your advice and shared experiences!

Great news

Brilliant news

Golly, just found this thread again. Can't believe I never came back to tell you what happened ... we had our baby! Full term, overdue actually.
She's now 4.5 yrs, always been healthy, is just awesome and has completed our family. Feels like a lifetime ago that I wrote the initial comment! For anyone who is going through what I did, just try to keep going and stay strong. And thank you to everyone who helped me get through it x