Early miscarriage 9 years ago, never dealt with it

[NHAN]

I've never felt I have the right to be upset about this because I didn't know I was pregnant but now that I've got two little boys and friends keep talking about miscarriage i'm feeling the loss.
At the time I was depressed, smoked canabis and drank socially, used contraception and babies were the last thing on my mind. I experienced really bad stomach pains and was off work but my gp just said it was stress without even looking at me. I woke in the middle of the night in agony, went to the toilet and, well I don't know how to describe it but I knew it was more than just blood. I told my partner about the pain but he didn't really care, so I just went back to bed and told myself it was a heavy period.
I became quite ill and stayed off work in bed for about a week. I was very depressed and just smoked canabis for the pain and to block it all out really. I doubt i'll get any sympathy due to the canabis but I guess I just need to know whether I have the right to be sad really. I feel I can't miss something I never knew about but my body has remembered and i've always been uneasy around miscarriage. I know its my fault too but I wasn't expecting to get pregnant on the pill and certainly wasn't trying.
I have a group of friends who talk about their experiences with miscarriages but i don't feel i have the right too. I've never told anyone and tonight it has really hit me.

Hi there, sorry to hear of your loss. I too have suffered with early miscarriages and was a smoker at the time too. I've since gone on and had two DC's but the pain of the miscarriages never really goes away and comes and bites me on the bottom when I least expect it too. Now I accept that it's OK for me to feel sad. I too have blamed myself but everyone will tell people like you and I that it wasn't our fault. Mumsnet has been a fantastic support to help me grieve and accept what has happened. Take care.x

Thank you for replying and i'm sorry for your loss too. I'm feeling very low today and really wishing I hadn't acknowledged how i'm feeling about it, but I guess it is better than keep ignoring it. I just keep reliving it over and over and i've never done that before.

Hi again, I too had no one really to talk to about MC's and had I then I don't think the pain would still be so raw. I was fine at the time it was only later did the waves of grief hit me. All I tell myself is had I have known I was pregnant I wouldn't have smoked. How many people know they are pregnant from the moment they conceive? And like you say you were taking contraception. It must be very hard for this to hit you after 9yrs. Do you know why you're feeling so low today?

I'm sorry it is still raw for you too. I was expecting to be criticised for this so thank you for responding and letting me know i'm not alone in this.
I feel like i've been hit by it tbh, You're right I wouldn't have smoked either and I did everything possible to keep healthy during the pregnancies with both of my boys. It wouldn't have been the right time and I know it wasn't to be but it seems silly now to have pretended t wasn't real.
Friends are talking about miscarriages and raising money for something to do with babies born to soon. I've found myself avoiding the topic for a while now and don't want to be seen as cold and heartless but I guess I was protecting myself. I really want to be able to say, yes i've had an early miscarriage, without feeling like a fraud and as if I don't belong to that group, so to speak, because it was my own doing.
It does feel much better to have opened up a bit more.