Devastated for friends and don't know what to do

[MilkywaysAndBump]

My husband's friend lost his baby last Wednesday 4 hours after she was born.

My husband didn't tell me until yesterday as he says he knew it would upset me (we suffered 4 miscarriages before having our son last month).

I am just so completely devastated for them...they both came to see our son at the hospital last month and bought flowers and then came again to visit him at home and bought a tonne of presents. I was choosing out clothes for their daughter online last week, as I love little girl clothes and she was due on the 16th, and then a week later this happens.

I keep thinking what must they both be going through? How must she be sleeping at night without her bump and without her baby? I feel so so sad for them, I've been crying since yesterday and had some horrible nightmares.

My husband has spoken to his friend a few times, but I can't bring myself to phone up his wife. I know I will start crying, and it's not fair on her - she's the one who has suffered the loss, and me crying down the phone or face to face just seems wrong. What should I do? Would some flowers and a card seem ok to send? I'm just worried that sending flowers will coincide with valentines day...just really confused right now.

Send a card, just a card, you can send flowers/gifts later.

Write in it that you are there for her, and if she needs to ring you, then she can.

Send a card. Maybe put a note in it saying you are there if she wants to talk or anything. Acknowledge the baby use the baby's name, so many people won't. People really show there true colours when you loose a child. People crossed the street to avoid me after we lost DS2.
The other is more practical. If they live close take food. Even a bag with bread, milk etc. A couple of our friends brought food round and it was a godsend. Hugs to you and your friend.

I've PM'd you

PS Crying is fine, it shows your depth of feeling.

I went around and cried with friends, it generally means a lot that you go even if it is in floods of tears x

Take a meal round. Take their lead on whether to stay or not. Don't worry about crying.

Thank You for all the replies. Zipity - thank you so much for your message, it made alot of sense.

I've asked my husband to phone up his friend and ask if it would be okay to visit sometime soon. The more I've thought about it, it just seems wrong not to visit. I've spoken to my Dad too and he says we should both (dh and me) go around and give our support. I'm glad alot of you think crying wouldn't be wrong - I just don't want to do anything that would upset her any further.

I was thinking of leaving my baby and my dd with my SiL for an hour or so in the evening and taking some food around.

I lost my son just over three weeks ago. It's slightly different as I was 23+4 and not full term. But I would agree with the other posters that it meant a lot to me to see friends. I didn't mind them crying at all.
Also, the cards that touched me the most were the ones that mentioned my beautiful baby and his name rather than just mentioning our loss.
I'm finding things tough a few weeks on when all the flowers have gone and the cards taken down. A note or a card to let them know you're still thinking about them might be a nice gesture.
You sound like a very thoughtful friend.

Sounds like your a wonderful friend. I lost my first baby at 16 weeks and the day I cam home my best friend opened the door took one look at me and we both sobbed for days. It meant the world to me. Also the use of baby's name makes all the difference. X

Really sorry to hear about your friend, just by thinking about what to do you are being a great friend. It is very difficult for friends our first daughter died at term and I often felt very bad for friends because it's hard to know what to do or say but one thing we liked but few people did was to ask to see our photos of her. Although our daughter was dead we were still very proud of her but didn't feel I could foist photos of her on people. If that makes sense, they may not have taken pics and it might not be appropriate initially but might be something to think about. Hard times ahead but you sound like a good friend