This is so difficult

[NinaMu]

It is today exactly 2 weeks since I started to miscarry. I was only 6 weeks but it was long enough for this to feel like the worst thing ever. I had a week off work and went back in this week- thought I was starting to feel better, but this morning went in and just started crying for no reason and could not stop. I am a teacher and so obviously I had to go home as I cannot teach like that. Feeling embarrassed now as I was sobbing away in the staffroom infront of so many other staff. But could not control my tears at all- is this normal??

I am finding this so hard. It really is all I can think about and I am getting all those stereotypical feelings - sad/jealous/bitter when I see other pregnant people and women with babies - and guilt. So much guilt. Not that I caused the miscarriage as I followed all the rules and I know these things do just happen. But guilt because I was scared when I was pregnant. We had only been trying for 2 months so it was a bit of a surprise it happened so quickly. Don't get me wrong I was thrilled I was pregnant and want a baby so much. But I was so worried about all the stupid practical stuff- money and work mainly. And now am feeling guilty that I wasted my few weeks being pregnant worrying about finances.

It's been made a little worse as I had an ultrasound afterwards that showed a massive cyst on my right ovary and something called hydrosalpinx- which is fluid in my right fallopian tube which, so I've read, is pretty bad if you are trying to get pregnant. The hospital, instead of investigating this further, have booked me in for more tests in 5 weeks time, so I now have 5 weeks to worry about this as well as grieving.

People keep on telling me 'at least you know you can get pregnant' etc which, though I am obviously worrying about future fertility, isn't really the point. I am grieving THIS baby and I am so so sad.

Sorry for the lengthy post. Though my husband and my mum have been great, I just don't always feel they completely understand how I'm feeling. I'm not sure I understand how I'm feeling...

I'm really sorry for your loss. It is a very hard time, and tbh two weeks is not long at all. I had two weeks off after my miscarriage last summer and still spent my first and second day back sobbing and calling DH from the toilet. I only work part time so I didn't have to be there for a while after that. Can you take more time off?

I also had people tell me at least I was getting pg, and they knew women who'd miscarried only to have healthy pregnancies after that. As you say, it's not the point, it's grief for the baby you've lost that you're going through. But I think that people find it hard just to be with grief, and they want to offer something positive, especially if they haven't been through it themselves.

I also felt very guilty, and I think that's common. In my case the baby hadn't developed at all, or possibly only for a few hours or days, and I started bleeding at 12 weeks which was when I found out. I felt like a fraud for saying I was pg, and guilty that I'd not been able to 'do it properly', which is obviously silliness. You can only react to news of pg how you react, and a lot of it is practical preparation for the life change. The fact that you were thinking about how you were going to prepare for and care for the baby shows how much you already loved it and wanted it. I hope that those feelings of guilt subside. The first few weeks and even months were a time of emotional turmoil for me, and I had very strong feelings which did go away. You are also probably going through some big hormonal changes which will add to that.

I'm sorry also to hear about the fertility stuff. I hope you get some answers soon and it gets resolved. Try to look after yourself in the meantime, give yourself time, and don't judge yourself for feelings any of your feelings. I find pg women easier then before, but it was my baby's due date last week, and this week I have had to avoid them. It does get easier, but it takes time. Good luck with your follow up tests.

Thank you so much for your email philbee and for all your kind and helpful words. My boss and my GP have both suggested today that I take another week off so I think I will take them up on the offer.

I am so sorry for your loss too and I can't imagine how difficult last week was for you.

I am so sorry. I think you need more time off. I too am a teacher and in the process of having my 3rd miscarriage (booked in for ERPC on Monday). I have had this week off and am also taking next week off. It is impossible to teach when you feel like shit.

I promise you the raw pain will stop being so raw in time. You will not always feel the way you do at the moment.

The best advice I got was to be kind to myself. Give yourself time. Don't feel you should be ready by x date.

Allow yourself to grieve for the baby you have lost. Everyone panics about being pregnant - that didn't affect the pregnancy. At all.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

I'm glad your work is being supportive and you can have more time off. Last week was ok, actually. I'd been dreading it for months and hoping I'd be pg by now (am not). But DH had the day off and we had a nice early lunch with DD and then did things in the garden. It was just peaceful and it felt good to be past it. As pp said, it's still sad, but the pain is not raw any more. Be kind to yourself.