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Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum.

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum.

Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Miscarriage last night:( how to tell dp?

16 replies

mrdarceych · 31/12/2011 12:02

im so upset, am visiting friendsand family at moment abroad, but am in constant contact with partner, he has been so excited for the baby and although it was completly unplanned, i had finally got my head around it and was so happy.

Partner and i have only been in relationship about a year, and it was not that serious, i am 10 years older than him at 41 for a start! We only see each other for a few days every couple of weeks so as you can imagine the pregnancy was a big shock!! But he has been fantastic and although at first i was unsure what to do, i have been completly sure for for the last month that it was what i wanted.
I felt very unwell all day yesterday and about 7 pm bad cramps and started bleeding, by midnight i had passed alot of blood, then i felt a horrible horrible lemon size something that i actually felt come from high up...it was the worst thing i have felt ever and was litterally sobbing, not with pain, but emptyness as i know its gone
( sorry all for tmi but i have to let it out!)
how do i tell him!! He is hundreds of miles away, it new years eve, and im here in shock today, still bleeding but not too bad, and not feeling ill, just empty...and actually not even very emotional??!! Just wierd i suppose...

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GwendolineMaryLacedwithBrandy · 31/12/2011 12:10

Really sorry to hear of your loss :(

When are you going to see him next? Do the people you are with know, do you have enough support where you are? Sorry, I'm just internally debating face to face vs as soon as possible IYSWIM.

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mrdarceych · 31/12/2011 13:09

Will see him friday, but i really feel he needs to know now as when we talk each evening he always asks how i am, and our baby, and how much things are going to change for us both ect, ect... I jst dont knw how to say it! I spoke to him last night before it happened and told him i was not feeling well, he was concerned but i really didnt make a big thing of it...now this!!

Like i said my lack of emotion today is really confusing me.... I am the sort of person who shrugs things off and gets on with things, so its not out of character for me, but i almost feel i should be sitting here crying and that i should of let him know straight away last night!

Im staying with best friend who knows everything, but noone else knows yet as i was only 9 weeks ish

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sprinkles77 · 31/12/2011 20:14

Sweetie, firstly an un-mn hug. I'm there too, losing a much wanted pregnancy. The way you feel is the way you feel. There's nothing wrong with how you feel. And there'll be nothing wrong if you feel different tomorrow, or in 5 minutes or in 10 years. I think you might suddenly find you feel different when you tell your DP. I'm like you, usually pretty matter of fact. I spent the first 5 days totally feeling OK and normal, then was absolutely floored with the most horrendous grief for a couple of days.

I think you need to tell DP sooner rather than later if you can. I know the timing is rubbish. If you can, tell him what you have posted here, the hollowness, that you weren't sure how / when to tell him. If you only see each other every few weeks, surely quite a lot of your relationship has to be conducted not face to face, so you must have got some practice. If you do chose to tell him by phone or skype or whatever, you can always express your regret (if you feel it) that you had to do it that way, but that you didn't want to keep it from him. I'm sure he would want to be going through this with you if he could. I just had a MC, I'm also not distraught (though have had some hormonal moments), but having DH supporting me was helpful. We have a no-such-thing-as-TMI relationship, and I showed him some of the clots, it made it more real for him, and he wanted to see.

BTW, you probably should get some medical attention soon. Just to check that all the pregnancy has passed. Retained bits can cause an infection. I passed some massive clots only to be told that there is much much more to come.

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RandomMess · 31/12/2011 20:22

How ever you tell him it's going to be tricky. When are you next due to speak to him?

I would consider texting him with a simple "I've found out why I wasn't feeling well, I'm miscarrying, call me when you can talk x"

Preferably not tonight but I wonder if you need to give him a chance to be upset before you talk. I don't think you can speak to him and not tell him and I assume you will be talking to him before you next see him?

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mrdarceych · 31/12/2011 20:35

Sprinkles, thank you, your post has really lifted me... You are right, alot of time our relationship is on skype and has been as although we work in the same country we are are not in the same area.
I am a gloves off hands on type of person...always have been and always will(all my family are the same... Close as in we love each other and would always be there...but not kissy huggy i love you types!!)
So, i know he is with friends tonite as he has already texted to say that we will speak later online... I replied and said im sorry i have bad news, lost our baby and cant talk at mo as im too upset...and will call him later,...turned off fone. That was half hour ago... To some that might feel wrong, but i know he is with the one friend he had told about the baby, so i thought it was the right thing..so he could let it sink in and talk to them about it...shit maybe im wrong??? Who bloody knows??!!!
I know he is going to be upset, but as we are not together at the moment its difficult for him to know exactly what happened... I saw it all too, and yes, i would of shared the gore of it all with him too(!!!you lucky thing you with your dp!!!) and the fact that i am doing it alone is probably why the emotions are not forthcoming...maybe... I dont know! Watch this space!!
Again thanks for listening... And im a good listener too!! X
Off to turn fone on now and face the music!!
Happy new year to you...we both need a good one by the sounds of it!! X

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RandomMess · 31/12/2011 20:44

I think you were right to tell him, best decision in difficult circumstances, just communicate with him the best you can x

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mrdarceych · 31/12/2011 20:56

Thanks random... Gearing myself up to turning fone on nw...anther 10 mins i reckon!!( what a wimp i am really!! Everyone thinks im so bloody hard as nails but god..when the chips are down... They are rock bloody bottom and i am crap! So bloody crap!!

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Fuckedupagain · 31/12/2011 20:59

So sorry for your loss.

Be kind to yourself and each other.

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HappyHippyChick · 31/12/2011 21:05

Of course youre not crap, you're grieving, I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine how awful I would have felt if my dh hadn't been there when we miscarried. I just want to cry for you. I hope that you've spoken now (((hugs)))

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RandomMess · 31/12/2011 21:08

Aww you're human you are allowed to be upset, disappointed, grieve and everything else that goes with it

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mrdarceych · 31/12/2011 21:23

Thanks everyone...you dont know how it is until you have been through it do you!! Am snuggled on sofa and have joined the virtual party on chat...putting a brave face on it all( like bloody always!!) roll on 2012 i say cheers!( with a lucozade..but imagining its a rioja!!) x

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sprinkles77 · 31/12/2011 22:34

mrdarcey, glad I can be of help. There's a lot to be said for not putting on a brave face. Others' sympathy can be overwhelming, but a good cry is cathartic, and you will discover how many people have been through the same. I thought I needed to put on a brave face, and ended up bawling my eyes out in front of people I hardly knew on Christmas day. Have generally felt much better since then.

Hope you have caught up with DP and you are supporting each other. Feel free to PM me for all the stiff upper lip, pragmatic stuff as well as the lying on the bathroom floor covered in blood and sobbing (not least of all about the ruined bath mat) and not eating for a week stuff.

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mrdarceych · 31/12/2011 22:45

Thanks sprinkles...yes i ruined my friends bathmatlast night(and need to take shares out in "carpet vanish" for the delux CREAM carpet she has!!!) and replace 2 rolls of thirst pockets kitchen roll or whatever its bloody called here!! The one with the elephant ad...very expensive kitchen roll i hear...??!!!!

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sprinkles77 · 01/01/2012 10:46

how you doing today mrdarcey?

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mrdarceych · 02/01/2012 15:32

Hi sprinkles, was feeling completly bleugh yesterday, but back in the land of living today, thank god! Had a few twinges and still bleeding but not too bad all in all. Had the chat with dp, he was upset but is showing great concern for both my phsical and mental health and cant wait to see me friday, so im pretty releived at that! Hope you are ok too, heres to a great 2012!

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sprinkles77 · 02/01/2012 20:06

pleased to hear you are on the mend. Sounds like DP is showing appropriate levels of concern, which is not only nice in an obvious way, but bodes well for your future too. I'm also still spotting, though no twinges. Looking forward to ERPC and drawing a line under it on Thursday. Keep well.

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