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Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum.

Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

can't look at newborns

12 replies

hopedetective · 21/12/2011 08:38

We lost our baby 6 months ago a few days before her due date. I feel like I now have my life back on track apart from my knees buckling whenever I see a newborn. Anyone else had this and does it ever go away? It's almost becoming a phobia and I cannot visit friends who have young babies or even bear to see their photos on facebook. I don't need sympathy but please tell me that this will get better.

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Booboostoo · 21/12/2011 10:04

Sorry I don't have any experience of this, but didn't want to read and not reply.

I would imagine that what you are going through is perfectly normal. You have been through a very painful loss and seeing newborns brings it all back to you. Is there anyone you could talk to?

You will feel better with time, it will get better, but for now what you are feeling sounds very normal to me. Sorry I can't be of more help and hang in there, I am sure it will get easier.

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hopedetective · 21/12/2011 10:18

Thanks Booboostoo, really kind of you to reply.

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Sazzel · 21/12/2011 12:04

Hopedetective I've not experienced this either but again didn't want to read and then not reply.

I think what you've described sounds completely normal. I'm avoiding my friends with babies at the moment.

Have you had a look at the sands website? They have a helpline and it looks as though they can put you in touch with people who've been through the same thing and there are loads of people sharing their experiences.

www.uk-sands.org/Home.html

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hopedetective · 21/12/2011 13:21

Thanks Sazzel, I'm not sure that talking about it helps me. I find that I cope much better with it all if I can just put it all at the back of my mind. Most days now are fine and it all just seems like a bad dream but occassionally something happens which knocks me for six. Unfortunately I can't avoid seeing newborns, they seem to be everywhere and each time I see one, it's like a kick in the chest and I'm back where I was 6 months ago. I just want to know that this too will pass.

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Sazzel · 22/12/2011 11:34

Hi Hopedetective I'm sure it will pass, everything does in the end.
I hope you find someone on here who says yes the same thing used to happen to me and it got better.

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BartletForAmerica · 22/12/2011 12:01

This hasn't happened to me either although I've just lost a baby at 18 weeks so I can understand a bit of why you might feel like that. We've been given a lot of information about SANDS. They have a phoneline and a befriender scheme so you might be able to speak to someone who has been in the same situation who understands your feelings.

www.uk-sands.org/Support/Talk-to-someone.html

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BartletForAmerica · 22/12/2011 12:04

www.uk-sands.org/Support/Talk-to-someone.html

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DizzyCow63 · 22/12/2011 12:24

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

It's absolutely not in the same league, but when we were struggling to conceive, seeing a newborn could reduce me to tears on a good day, what you have been through is a million times worse, so totally normal and understandable, sending you very unMNetty (((((hugs))))) I used to try to avoid shopping centres etc in the day time, shop late night etc, as less chance of being bombarded with babies IYKWIM.

Be kind to yourself and I hope the next few days are as gentle to you as possible.

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Littlepumpkinpie · 22/12/2011 21:11

First of all I want to say be kind to yourself six months is such a very short time. This should of been your daughter first christmas and I do know how your feeling I have been where you are now. The pain your feeling is so very raw. Take each day at a time those raw feelings do subside but unfortunatly I cannot say when that black fog will lift for you as each one of us different even though our loss is the same. For me I remember on my Angels first birthday I smiled that I had made it through an awfull year. I still miss her 14 years later and wonder what I would be wrapping up for her this year. The saddness I feel at certain times of the year is HUGE. Those waves of grief can even now hit me like a ton of bricks and catch me unaware.
I have gone on to have two more children since my daughter was born asleep and I aready had one little girl.
Take care and it does help to talk to other Angel parents thats what I found as they really do know how your feeling.

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minceorotherwise · 22/12/2011 21:28

Six months is such a short amount of time. I'm so sorry. I was in the same position and honestly felt exactly the same. Particularly around baby girls. I have to say, it does get easier. I do still find it hard and have gone on to have a son, but I tend to blank out a bit still, around newborn girls. I think it's bound to take you back, it's natural. We all have different ways of coping and like you I did tend to put it to the back of my mind in order to get through, it's just so painful to think about in the early days. Sands is very very good, even if you just want to read and not partake. It's helpful to be in a place (albeit online) where everyone is suffering the same loss and you don't feel so unreal and apart from reality. Do try and make sure you communicate how you are feeling to those close to you though, I'm not a big one for talking about emotion and found it so so hard, but talking about my daughter surprisingly did make it much easier to come to some kind of terms with it. I remember thinking at the time, that I wanted to get to a stage where I could remember her and think about her and allow myself to feel terribly sad, but be able to do it with some measure of joy that I had her, albeit for such a terribly short amount of time.

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Countmyblessings · 23/12/2011 21:57

hope - all the very best i cant imagine how painful it is for you and as all have said its still so fresh and i totally believe as each days passes never forget but not so painful!
look forwards to the future and soon if you want looking down at your own newborn!

talk and get support from loved ones helps so much! xxx

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Moominsarescary · 28/12/2011 18:35

I lost a baby at 20 weeks in September I've found the more contact with new borns i have the easier it gets, I have been forced into situations with newborns though as ds3 is only 9 months old so I take him to baby group and baby clinic.

I can't link because I'm crap but there are support threads on the berevement topic that I have found realy supportive if you did ever want to talk or just read.

So sorry for your loss x