Sad happy news

[AnnaMariaWhiskers]

I had a mc about a month ago. I was beginning to feel a bit less sad. But I've recently found out a friend is pregnant, due 2 weeks after mine would have been. She knew about my pregnancy, then found out about hers but was unable to tell me before she heard about my m c. I guess she didn't really know what to do but has told me now before it goes public. I am so happy for her, but I don't know how I'm going to cope seeing her regularly, and thinking about how I should be like her and doing the things she's doing. It would have been amazing having our babies so close together. I am really happy for her, but she knows I'm upset and I don't want it to be awkward. I don't know what to do, and all those reminders are going to be so hard to live with. It's really knocked me back, and I'm all teary again. Has anyone else been through this situation? Any advice? x

No advice I'm afraid but just wanted to sympathise with you as going through the same at the minute. My MMC only happened last week (was 11 1/2 weeks) and haven't yet seen my friend who has just announced she is pregnant, but to be honest am dreading it. My main concern is that I don't want her to feel awkward or like she can't be happy or excited around me, although at the same time I know that in the back of my mind I will always be a bit sad seeing her bump thinking of my baby that isn't here anymore

Anna & Raf -sadness and happiness - trust me i totally understand how your feeling! your not being awful if you give her a miss at the moment your loss is still so fresh and she has to understand, in time you can talk about it but right now deal with you and your loss! trust me when you lose a baby everyone feels so awkward and dont now what to say, but i say- say nothing and just support is good! right now, shes getting loads of great support im sure so dont worry about that!
all the best for you both in the future and take care of you xxxx

RAFgirl, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can imagine how hard it will be for you to see your friend. It is an awkward situation, isn't it? I feel like I'm spoiling it for them, however much they tell me I'm not. I think I'm going to have to practice putting on a brave face too. Most of the others in our cirlce of friends know as well, so I think it might be tricky round them too for a while. I was really wondering why no one talks about mc, and thinking that it was really silly for it to be such a taboo, but maybe this is the reason why. I really hope it goes better than you expect with your friend. Sending you hugs x

Thanks Countmyblessings (what a great name). I appreciate your comments. It makes it a little better just to know I'm not the only person in the world faced with this situation x

trust me Anna i get it! - i was 1 out of 4 close friends all at different stages of pregnancy when i lost mine,it was the worse thing ever they all knew i was going for my scan so all txt that morning with the "good luck" messages! to then have to get DH to txt them later with the sad, bad news "no heartbeat"!!!
so they wouldnt call me with excitment in there voices! days after the silence was so painful but to see them all with there bumps and not knowing what to say was the worse for me, and now still not being pregnant and soon my due date feeling a deep sadness arising again, and although they are great friend they have not been through what i have so really dont get how im feeling! they all have beautiful healthy babies and would of all now been waiting for mine to arrive!!!!!! right now fast forwards to next year would be great for me!

I'm really sorry to hear your sad news.

I'm on the 'other side' of that story at the moment - I am 30wks pg and one of my SiLs who should have been having her baby just a months after mine had an early (8 wks) but quite traumatic miscarriage followed by drugs, operations etc.

It doesn't matter that it was 'early' or 'normal' or whatever. They are mourning a much-wanted child. And I am mourning my lost nephew / niece.

The fact that I am pregnant and looking forward to the birth of my own child doesn't make me any less sad about their loss. It does make it much harder to know what to do or say sometimes. I aware that SiL found it quite hard to be with pregnant women for a while and I know how brave she was for coming out to dinner with me. I certainly wouldn't have blamed her or felt put out if she hadn't felt able to do that. I know she will be a wonderful aunty to this baby just as she is to my DS and it breaks my heart to know that it will be hard for her to do so. I will understand if she doesn't want to be as involved, especially in the early days.

I have tried to keep communicating with her through all this (usually texts as I don't want her to feel on the spot) but I know that there probably have been moments I've buggered it up and done / said the wrong thing.

Miscarriage is such a taboo still and I think that sometimes I understand why people shut down / ignore the situation. I'm usually pretty good at handling stuff like this but I am struggling.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that the people who are silent are not necessarily unfeeling. They may well care deeply about what has happened but just can't work out what to do / say.

And sadness and happiness are not mutually exclusive. Life doesn't work out that way. Sometimes you can be sad and happy at exactly the same time.

I was in a similiar situation a few years ago. I had a MC then my friend told me she was pregnant a few weeks later. I was really happy for her but also really sad. I felt I couldn't keep putting on a 'brave face' so I withdrew from her. I regret it but I think I did it out of self preservation, I just could't cope. I also think my friend didn't realise how having a MC can affect someone. Showing me DVD's of her 4D scan when I visited really didn't help. We both have 2 children now and are still friends. If you have a good friend they will understand if you do withdraw for a while. Take care of yourself.

I am in a similar situation. I had my 3rd MMC at 12 weeks in June - baby actually measured 12 weeks too which was awful. My friend is due this week - I would have been due on New Years eve, so 2 weeks after her. She didn't know about my pregnancy as I had mc before we didn't tell anyone. So I regualarly get texts and fb emails about her pregnancy. I don't see her regularly and that is how I cope. I can text her and then block it from my mind straight away. Also I think I want my baby - not any baby - that tends to keep me sane - ish.

hugs to us all ! xx

Thank you all for the messages. GRUMPLA, it's good to have an opinion from 'the other side'. My pregnant friend is one of the kindest people I know, and I've found from a mutual friend today that they are keeping the pregnancy announcement 'low-key' so not to upset me. I'm grateful for that, but in a way it upsets me more to know that I'm restricting them, and I feel like I'm crushing their joy, and that they'd be much better off without me around.

DUSTIN, I know what you mean about scans. And BATTERYHEN, everytime I log into facebook there's a new scan photo on the wall from someone or another.

And Christmas cards with messages like 'we've just finished decorating the nursery ready for our new arrival' don't help. My mum just sent me a copy of her Christmas letter she sends her friends. It had a massive paragraph about my bro and SiL's lives, and a sentence just saying 'daughter and son-in-law are still living in 'same town'' about us. We had no new and exciting news. That sucks.

I was doing so well, or so I thought - really positive, got stuck back into work with new enthusiasm, was able to think about the baby with fondness rather than sadness, but this has just raked it all up again. I guess that happens from time to time.
lots of love gotta go x

Had to finish that last post in a rush as DH came home from work and I didn't want him to see it tbh. He gets worried I'm sucked into a spiral of misery! And in a way he's right. When he came through the door I just said to him, 'don't try to understand me, don't try to fix my sadness, just hug me and let me cry for a bit' - that makes me feel better already. Going to have a nice night with my feet up and a bit of pampering and hopefully some Maltesers!

I am in this situation at the moment - I feel pregnant in the summer and told my closest friend when I was 6 weeks - it was this conversation that kick started her to conceive their second (her dd is a year older thn mine). I then had a mc as 8.5 weeks - 2 weeks later she told me she was pregnant and due 1 month after I was supposed to be. I was so happy for her but sad also which made me feel so guilty. I then went on to have 2 more mcs - the last one just last weekend. (grand total of 3 mcs in 4 months!)
They are coming to us for lunch a few days after Christmas and she will be nearly months and showing - I haven;t seen her since 12 weeks and I am dreading it a bit - i know that her bump will remind me of my losses and I expect I will cry buckets when they are gone.

I know my friend is worried about me being upset and is being very supportive. I will just have to focus on the fact that one day I hopefulyl have my own bump

AnnaMaria I don't think your mutual friend should have told you about them keeping things low key, that sounds unnecessarily bitchy to me.

I kept my 'announcement' low key as well (no scans on FB this time etc) to try and keep things as painless as possible. To anyone who knows the story I think it's probably pretty obvious why - but I would be furious if someone said that to my SiL. I would think that would make things even worse than scans, smug status updates etc.

Don't feel that you are crushing their joy. As I said earlier it is possible to feel happy and sad at the same time! I am no less happy about my baby, just because I am also sad about their loss. I just choose to express that happiness slightly differently, because I don't want to cause them any more pain.

We could all so easily be in each other's shoes in situations like this, in some ways I suppose it has taught me to cherish my pregnancy (which has been a tough one) and think how lucky I am. That's not a bad thing to learn.

True friends will understand if you need to pull away for a bit and they won't blame you for making them feel 'bad'.

I hope things work out for you soon pet. Don't be afraid to tell people or talk to them about how you feel.

having experienced it from both views sometimes things are just hard!
hard to say, hard to see, hard to deal with, hard to work out, and hard to hide!
pregnancy is just such a wonderful blessing and sometimes its hard to express how your feeling to someone who has not been through it all!
But the feelings will fade as days go by, but will never go away( well i still dealing with my loss) and 4 of my friends have all had after i lost!
im holding on to the real belief that i Will soon be pregnant again and will never be the same again!
when the loss happens it blurs the innocence afterwards if you get pregnant again( so many have shared on different threads)
those that have never experienced it are blessed for it so not a thing i would want anyone to go through!
Hugs and i hope you can find away - even if you write a letter just explaining how your feeling they should really understand!
dont feel guilty - of how they choose to deal with there news!

Thank you for all your kind messages and advice. I've had a much better weekend. I'm going to see my friend later this week, because I really don't want to avoid her, and I'm beginning to feel a bit stonger. I also found out she has another friend who's also recently had an mc, so strangely I don't feel like it's all my 'fault' about throwing cold water onto their news anymore - I'm not the only one their dealing with, as it were.

I've never looked forward to a new year so much. I've lost 3 people I loved in 2011, so hoping 2012 will be a year of new life!! And I hope it will be a better year for all of you who have had sadness in 2011 x x

AMW -so glad your feeling stronger to face your friend, 2011 has been bitter sweet for me also cant wait to go into a new year with a new understanding and fresh out look on my life and what i really feel important!
all the best and i hope 2012 holds wonderful things for you(all)